Long live Rudolph the red
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pasd84
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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My job lets me take a week off as long as I live at the Sigma Chi house and totally throw down with the bros.

It's paid fraternity leave.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Frasier_n_Chill
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
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Why did Bilbo live on for so long even after Frodo took the One Ring away from him?

Because old hobbits die hard!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/amateur_raconteur
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
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To live a long and healthy life you're supposed to give up cigarettes, booze, and fried foods.

Well maybe you won't actually live longer, but it sure will feel like it.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Jan_Tik
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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Turtles live for so long because they have an excellent shellf life.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RangerZA
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
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My friend who hasn't got long left to live says she's going to change her name from Pamela to Patricia if her Valium doesn't work.

Hopefully she'll Diazepam.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TommehBoi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 13 2018
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I asked my dad how long deers live for...

"Hey dad, how long do deers live for?"

"I don't know but if I were to guess at least 10 deers"

"God damnit dad"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/OneLaneGamer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 19 2015
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How long does a cardinal live...

So sitting in the car with my dad and mom back in the day and a discussion about birds arose. It went on and arrived at the lifespan of cardinals.

My mom asks my dad, "How long does a cardinal live?"

He responds, "Probably at least 70 years"

Shocked at why he would think they lived so long, she asked, "Really? What makes you think that?"

He responds, "Well, I figure the pope is about 80 something"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pi34322
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 14 2014
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In my School days, all Summer long I would live on the Edge...

...and never worry about the Fall

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lindleyw
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 10 2014
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A reporter interviewed a 103-year old woman: โ€œAnd what is the best thing about being 103?โ€ the reporter asked.

The woman simply replied, โ€œNo peer pressure.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/decentname99
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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When my wife complained I was taking too long to paint the living room I told her she was worse than the warden in Shawshank.

She said โ€œwell just paint it, Redโ€.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/nftpc
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
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My friends Charles lived away for a long time.

So when he came back, I started calling him Harles.

Long time no C.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Mudman1969
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
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After years of trying I have decided to give up on my life long dream of becoming a world renowned spaghetti chef. Itโ€™s time to move on and stop living in ...
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/darlosworld
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
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How many ears does Spok have?

Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bowmbaclott
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/communist_scumbag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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My dad grew a herb garden and doesnโ€™t know how he lived so long without one

Guess heโ€™s making up for lost thyme

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/andronaut_
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
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What do you call a Canadian who has been living in USA for too long?

US Eh

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Nishan_572
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
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How long did the old lady say she'd been living with dementia?

She couldn't remember.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/benkrauss313
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
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For me, the urge to sing โ€œThe Lion Sleeps Tonightโ€ is always just a whim away...

a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thegreatsorcerer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
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Race horse Pat

There was a race horse named Pat, who was one of the greatest race horses to ever live. He set records that were near impossible to beat. After a long time of racing, he retired to an old stable with some old friends. They were very happy that he retired there to stay with him, and congratulated him on all of his records that he set.

Once Pat retired, he started keeping track of all the up and coming horses that were winning a lot. There was a race horse named Charlie that was doing really great and winning all his races. Pat saw this horse and watched him race. Charlie started to break all of Patโ€™s records and Pat was a little upset with this.

After a while, Charlie decided to retire after an extremely successful career in racing. By chance, Charlie decided to retire at the same stable that Pat retired in. When Charlie entered the stable, everyone went up to him to congratulate him on his records and wins. Pat went up to Charlie and said, โ€œHey Charlie congratulations on all of your wins! You broke a lot of my records and I was very impressed.โ€ Charlie responds, โ€œgo away old man, Iโ€™m better than you ever were.โ€ Pat was blown away by his response. He galloped away from Charlie with defeat.

After a while of thinking, Pat decides to challenge Charlie to a race. Charlie agreed to it and wanted to race right away. He said โ€œWe will race to the tree over there and turn around and come back and whoever gets there first will be the winner.โ€ Pat was still healthy but he needed a few weeks to get his legs back into shape for the race. Charlie gives Pat 2 weeks to get ready.

After 2 weeks pass, they are ready to race. โ€œHey Pat, before we race I want to warn you that I win my races by passing them by the end. So donโ€™t get all cocky and think you are going to win.โ€ Charlie says. Pat thanks him for the warning and they start getting set to race.

The gun sounds and they are off to race. Pat starts out in front, and nears the finish. Out of know where, Charlie zooms ahead of Pat and wins the race.

Pat was very disappointed in his loss, but congratulated Charlie anyways. A dog comes up to them and says, โ€œWow, that was a fantastic race! Neither of you should be upset with that. You both were so great!โ€ Charlie looks to Pat and Pat looks to Charlie. They are astonished. Charlie says, โ€œSay that again! Say it again!โ€ The dog says a little confused, โ€œWell I just said that you both were so great out there.โ€ Pat says, โ€œCharlie! Itโ€™s a talking dog!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SnappyOrange69
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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Some punny jobs

WORKING ON A JOB

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned I just couldnโ€™t concentrate. . Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldnโ€™t hack it, so they gave me the axe. . After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasnโ€™t suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow. . Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. . I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldnโ€™t cut it. . I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldnโ€™t cut the mustard. . My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasnโ€™t note worthy. . I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didnโ€™t have any patience. . Next was a job in a shoe factory; but it just wasnโ€™t the right fit. . I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldnโ€™t live on my net income. . I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. . I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. . After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it. . My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TTMOfficial
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevorโ€™s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevorsโ€™s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevorโ€™s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasnโ€™t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

โ€œWellโ€ said Jeff, โ€œAs Iโ€™m sure you know the convention comes to town laterโ€.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

โ€œYes of courseโ€ replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ShredderSte
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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One day I invited a friend of mine over to my apartment.

When he arrived, he saw a lot of decorations related to frogs and asked me why.

I said: "It's because I'm trying to pull a prank on my flatmate. I'm trying to see how long it takes him to realise that our apartment is filled with frogs."

My friend said: "It's a nice prank ngl. Has he been close to finding out you live with apartment full of frog decorations?"

I said: "Not yet but I'm really starting to panic."

He asked me why and I said: "Because this type of prank is not easy. It requires a lot of Kermit-ment"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/_joshi_
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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ALWAYS read the label!

Jake returns home after a long days work, finds the cupboards bare and thinks "that's strange we went shopping this week". He goes to the garbage can to find jars of peanut butter, yogurt, pill bottles, assorted food they've just bought discarded. He asks "Honey why is all the food in the garbage?" he finds her watching TV in the living room she says "Roger is dead", stunned he runs to the backyard to find their pet seal dead. He runs inside shocked and says "wow that's terrible, but why did you throw out all the food?!" she replies "They containers all said DO NOT USE IF SEAL IS BROKEN".

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ph00p
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet?

Because he spends years at C!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/acnine
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 09 2017
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Dad : Did you hear about the kidnapping at school ?

Son : No, what happened ?

Dad : It is ok he woke up.

Edit: Thank you the upvotes guys.TIL that the only requirement for a dad joke is that it elicits not a laugh from its audience but the annoyed response:"Daaaaaaaad". Hope you enjoyed.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/deadfamousdinesh
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 14 2016
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At first, I was afraid I was petrified. Kept thinking, I could never live without that post school drop off ride. Bet then I spent so many nights thinking, how you did me wrong.

And I grew strong and I learned a schoolless day is just so long. Go on now, go, walk out the door, please go to school now. 'Cause you're not welcome anymore. Weren't you the one, who each school day said goodbye? But now I think I'll crumble? And I'll lay down and die? Oh, no, not I, I will survive Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive. I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give And I'll survive, I will survive, hey, hey.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Perrin-Golden-Eyes
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
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My son is driving my wife and I crazy.

My boy, Arthur, is slow. He is the slowest child Iโ€™ve ever met. And I donโ€™t mean mentally, he just doesnโ€™t move quickly at all no matter what the urgency.

He takes an hour to get out of bed and stand up in the morning. He takes an hour to eat. When we go anywhere we have to tell him 20 minutes in advance because he takes that long to get his shoes on. His showersโ€ฆwe had to install an industrial sized water heater and hook it up to his shower exclusively because he would drain the tank and shower in ice cold water and started getting sick from it.

The worst part is that even if you help him out he doesnโ€™t go faster. We can feed him and heโ€™ll just swallow slower. We can wash him and heโ€™ll just sit there for longer.

Iโ€™ve learned to live with it and be content because I know he wonโ€™t change. But my wife canโ€™t take it. Just the other day she told me she was going to punish him to make him go quicker:

โ€œIโ€™ve had it with him! Iโ€™m going to start giving him timeouts and taking away toys for going so slow!โ€

โ€œHoney,โ€ I said, โ€œitโ€™ll never work.โ€

โ€œWhy not?!โ€

โ€œBecause you canโ€™t rush Art.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bunselpower
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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My dad let me borrow his 2010 Saab and told me to make sure to fill it with Premium... imgur.com/IqjEFiP
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Zach_Elmore
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 22 2013
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A set of quadruplets.

A set of quadruplets went in to the local doctor's office for their annual check up. Once they were finished, the doctor asked to speak with them all in his private office.

As the four of them; Jeb, Richard, Lee, and the eldest John Hickleford Jr. entered the room and took seats, the doctor shook his head. "I've got bad news and I've got good news boys" he said.

Jeb, the spokesman of the group, immediately said, "Well, tell us the bad news first, and then spring the good news on us."

"Alright," continued the doctor. "The bad news is that one of you only has six months to live. The good news is that the other three of you will live long, healthy lives."

All four boys sprang from their chairs, making incoherent noises of protest. After settling them down, Jeb turned to the doctor and solemnly asked: "Hick or Lee, Dick or me, Doc?"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thisjustin2019
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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Moral of the story: living well is the best revenge

Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well on the outskirts of the town. One morning, a woman went to the well to fetch water for the day. The lady was crying and the well heard this. A voice came from the well and asked โ€œwhatโ€™s wrong?โ€

The lady stopped sobbing and asked the well, in utter disbelief, โ€œyou can talk?โ€

โ€œYesโ€ the well said, โ€œlong ago, the witch living in this town gave life to me so I could protect the towns peopleโ€

โ€œAlasโ€ the woman said, โ€œI am the daughter of that witch. She lived in peace with the town for many years, but the new mayor, who is a violent and hateful man, riled the townspeople up against her. The town burnt my mom at the stake! I am still young and do not know much magic. I tried to curse the town, but failed, and now I fear I may never avenge my mother.โ€

โ€œDo not be afraidโ€ the well said, โ€œI will take care of this.โ€

The next morning the mayor was going to the well to fetch water when he heard an odd noise. He peered over the edge to look down as far as he could when an impossibly long arm shot up at him. The arm grabbed the mayor and dragged him down into the depths of the well. There was a horrible crunching sound and the mayor was never seen again. The townsfolk apologized to the witchโ€™s daughter and everyone lived happily ever after.

See moral above for the pun...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ManGood2002
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโ€™t think theyโ€™ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโ€™t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

โ€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โ€˜The good news is..itโ€™ll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ€

Whatโ€™s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

โ€œIโ€™ll call you later!โ€- โ€œPlease donโ€™t do that. Iโ€™ve always asked you to call me Dad!โ€

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

โ€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: โ€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โ€™โ€

โ€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โ€˜No, just leave it in the carton!โ€™โ€

I got so angry the other day when I couldnโ€™t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book Iโ€™ve ever read, Iโ€™d say: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s coincidental.โ€

Iโ€™m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build itโ€™s house? Igloos it together.

โ€œMe: โ€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!โ€™ Dad: โ€˜Poof, Youโ€™re a sandwich!โ€™โ€

โ€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

โ€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโ€™re all girls, otherwise theyโ€™d be uncles.โ€

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ€“ its pasteurized before you even see it

โ€œWhatโ€™s Forrest Gumpโ€™s password? 1forrest1โ€

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โ€œDonโ€™t worry; this is a piece of cake.โ€ I said: โ€œNo, itโ€™s a math problem.โ€

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
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There's a little known country in central Europe that is ruled by a monarchy...

Not many people are aware of its existence but I assure that it is there all the same. The king of this little land faces a lot of difficulty. He wants to make his kingdom into a sovereign nation but unfortunately they do not have the infrastructure, population, or economy to do so. In fact, this small state is only known for a single export. Thanks to their proximity to some of the finest gold and other metals in the world but total lack of an ability to process those metals on a mass scale, they have been left with only one option. You know the saying; when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Make lemonade they did. This tiny territory is renowned for creating the highest quality watches in the world. No expense is spared and their elite group of craftsmen train for their entire lives from childhood to produce these terrific timepieces. Men of great wealth and taste have been known to trade entire fortunes for just a single one of these watches; that is how valuable they are.

The king knows this and he knows that only a small portion of his populace can ever hope to become one of the respected elite, let alone hold one of their masterpieces in their own hands. Being a very just and fair man, the king ordered the most senior watchmaker in the land to create something the likes of which had never been seen. A watch of such great craftsmanship so as to be above monetary value. The man labored long and hard for many nights to produce the king's watch. When he at last presented the completed work to his lord - in front of the entire nation, no less - he was met with thunderous applause and a warm embrace. He had done it! The king then made a shocking announcement.

"This masterpiece belongs to my people!"

When the roaring of the crowd died down he continued.

"This watch shall be a symbol of my love for all of you. Though I rule over you with supreme authority I do not wish a single one of you to feel that you do not have a voice in the ruling of this nation. From this day on let anyone who doubts my decisions or questions my judgment wear this watch and stand as my equal to voice their concerns. Should even a single one of you think me unfair or wrong in any matter then simply come to my castle and I will present you this token of good faith."

The king made good on his word and from that day on all citizens knew they held the right to challenge their king's rulings. Over time the watch became a symbol of fairness throughout the land. Anyone who wore it

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 06 2016
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My dad's old standby

It doesn't matter whether you're African, American, or Asian

In the bathroom, European

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/manfredmustard
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 23 2014
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A friend challenged me to a pun-athon, but being an artist, he was into pictoral puns.

Some of them were pretty strange: only he could understand them and explaining the 'pun' to somebody else would take like half an hour. Anyway-

He said, "So I'll go first?"

I said sure.

I think he took "pun-a-thon" a bit too literally - he took out a marker and drew a point, and then he kept drawing this straight line (he's good at drawing straight lines) while taking how many ever steps back. I for one was concerned, because first off I didn't know how long I'd have to stick around for this, and second of all, I didn't know if I could clean the mess he'd inevitably leave behind.

He kept drawing this line! We stepped out of my living room, then my apartment which was on ground-level, and he kept drawing it. He drew his line all the way through the corridor, up until the entrance to the building, and when I kept asking him if he's done yet, he didn't say a word. I had to keep subtly reassuring security and everyone who was staring at my friend hunched over like that robot from Wall-E.

He stepped out of the building and kept on drawing his line. At this point I was trying to guess what the hell is the outcome. I kept screaming punchlines at him like "is this where you draw the line?", "are you going to punch me after this so this is a punchline?" and shit like that. There were people following us and two were taking videos and it was really fucking uncomfortable.

Right after he was outside the building and the premises, he started to draw this stunning drawing of the building right on the pavement. It was almost magical, as if he had been commissioned to make an ad for my place but for a million bucks. At this point the people who were following us didn't even get pissed off because they were so engrossed in his drawing. I was surprised the marker kept going on.

After about 20 minutes - he was a real quick draw (no pun intended) - he stood up and a crowd of two dozen clapped and cheered for him.

I told him, "Dude that looks fucking amazing, but I thought we were in a pun-a-thon. Why such a long set-up?"

He replied, "Yeah it was pretty drawn out."


(for more drawn-out jokes like this, visit r/feghoot!)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Jon-Osterman
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
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Why isn't amateurfanity a word?

There is profanity. However, pro- is short professional, and very few people actually cuss for a living (like maybe rappers, boxing/wrestling announcers and comedians). I'm sure nobody is getting paid when they stub their toe and let out a big long string of cuss words.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Spotted_Lady
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 24 2018
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A long one

So, a few weeks ago, someone posted a pretty long dad joke. Here's mine--it's what my dad would call a "Shaggy dog story".

The dolphin trainers at the zoo were very upset because the dolphins were very ill and getting worse. An animal shaman told them that he could not only cure the dolphins, but make them live forever--all he needed were some young sea gulls. The trainers immediately set off to find some young sea gulls.

While looking for the gulls, a lion at the zoo escaped. The trainers didn't care--they had to save the dolphins. They found their gulls and were making there way back to the dolphin enclosure when they came across the lion. Fortunately, it was dead asleep, having been hit with a tranquilizer dart--but it was right in the middle of the path. So, they carefully stepped across it, and were immediately arrested. The crime? Transporting young gulls across state lions for immortal porpoises.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/esoper1976
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 15 2018
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In old days it was considered very lucky to have a hen lay her eggs near the inside of the entrance of your house

As soon as a person walks in and sees this, they would know to expect good luck and fortune from the owner of the house and the whole family, but only if all of the chicks hatch and are all healthy. Every time you left a house, it was considered good luck to look at the hen, and wish it well to have all of its chicks born happy, healthy, and for the hen to live a long life. This is why they call it an egg-sit!!!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jonmeservy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
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My friend Charles lived away for a long time. So when he came back, I started calling him Harles.

Long time no C.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 31
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 10 2018
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A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Josvys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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