I bought a record at the charity shop the other day, "Sounds That Wasps Make". I took it home and it sounded nothing like Wasps.
That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.
I have noticed that my dog likes it when the collar is very tight.
Turns out he is a 50 shades of greyhound.
I feel like it’s made worse by the fact that it’s an Undertale remix
My wife bought store brand ketchup despite the fact that I like Heinz. I threw it out, so now I guess she knows....
....Heinzsight is 20/20
And just like that, 2020 won. Better start trainimg for the rematch in 12 months...it will be 2020 two.
I found out today that I like it when experienced men touch me
And then I paid the chiropractor
I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'....
But he hesitated.
I was shopping at the grocery store like it was 1999. That’s when I realized the party was over...
Oops, they were out of thyme.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
At that moment, Dr. Frankenstein knew what it felt like to be God.
A man was tired of drinking well water as he didn't like the taste. In fact, he hated it so much that he decided to destroy the well using dynamite. Unfortunately...
It didn't end well.
Robert E. Lee once said: "I like whiskey. I always did. And that is why I never drink it."
But that's just generally speaking.
Rudolph The Red and his wife are out walking one day, Rudolph says, “It looks like rain.” His wife says, “You don’t know that.” To which he replies,
“Rudolph The Red knows rain, dear.”
I became a member of a cult, it’s a group of people that like to be awkward and challenge others.
It’s called the Diffi cult.
The doctor said that it looks like my wife got hit by a truck
She has a great personality though
My fiance told me she likes my beard and that it's starting to grow on her
I told her: No, it's growing on me
Can I post here if i need help coming up with a pun? I’m a high school teacher and am implementing a “phone hotel”. I wanted to name it something clever. Like a name that sounds similar to a real hotel or even name it “Phone Hotel” with a clever slogan. Any ideas?
My bro doesn't like it when I call him that
Guess that was the wrong bronoun.
It’s said that time flies like an arrow
But fruit flies like a banana.
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.
...with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny
What's that smell? It smells like sweat and Old Spice.
But that's just my two scents.
I told my friend that it feels like I'm dating a machine these days.
He advised "lever".
With a slogan like that, it would be hard not to be.
Wife: It's amazing how those woodpeckers can just cling to the tree like that.
Me: Yeah they must be very talonted.
Daughter's video game character got turned into a vampire, she didn't like it when I said, "That sucks."
Jeez, I make a perfectly good vampire joke and that's the fangs I get.
My daughter said to me "Daddy, your hair is getting so long. Do you like it looking like that?"
I said "It's growing on me."
I want to get my buddy a good present but all I can find is a painting that has a prostitute saying, "1,2,3,4..." and I don't think he'll like it.
But it's the thot that counts.
what is six inches long with a head on it ,that women like to blow?
Money.
Now that we’ve discussed “why the chicken has crossed the road”, what does it look like?
It’s poultry in motion
Really ticked me off! Barging in like that uninvited. So gave it my best shot.
For people that don't like Minecraft, it's all about
Thinking Outside the Blocks...
I like to claim that the Greek Orthodox secretly run the world through its financial networks…For some reason people are ok with that, try putting a different religion in there and suddenly you’re a conspiracy theorist and hate criminal
Those Catholics are real sensitive sometimes
What do you call a patient that handles their physical therapy like it’s a cake walk?
A PT Cruiser
I asked my friend if he wanted to see that new Stephen King movie adaptation and it felt like a betrayal when he declined.
"It 2, Brute?" I had asked.
"Is it weird if I really like the mountains that separate Europe from Asia?"
Nope, Ural good
It seems like a missed opportunity that Bobby Flay never married a woman named Sue.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
