The new funeral home in town will not let me view my loved ones before their burial, sadly.
Unbereavable...
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.
Let that sink in.
During breakfast, my dad said, “Let me sum up 2020 in one word.”
Four.
I found some insects living in my apartment, but they offered me cash if I let them stay.
Now I have ten ants.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo
When the Mrs. could tell I was in the mood, she immediately let me know that tonight wasn’t going to happen.
She said: “Not tonight. Period.”
The S/O let me know we’d made 4 cents in our mutual account...
Won’t let me cross post but I guess you can say this dog was *made in a lab*
Dadjokes are without question the best jokes in the world and let me write why in the comment section.
Growing up I couldn’t do math unless I was sitting in someone’s lap. When I was younger it was never a problem finding someone that would let me sit on their lap, but now that I’m older...
I can’t count on anyone
I was throwing my 6yr old in the air when she said "let me down!"
So I looked her straight in the eyes and said "Santa isn't real"
Home Depot wouldn't let me buy a hammer in store.
They said they have to mallet to me.
Let me summarize 2018 in four words for you:
Two thousand and eighteen.
was sleeping at my girlfriends place last night, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep in the same bed... It made me proper angry because he’s actually really handsome. reddit.com/r/teenagers/co…
Every dad at some point. Wife: Don’t let me forget to put clothes in the dryer in an hour. Me: Don’t forget to put clothes in the dryer in an hour. Wife: Killer death stare
The doc came in and let me know he was here to deliver our baby
I told him that we would prefer if the baby kept its liver.
I wanted to shoot your mom in the face. She didn't let me.
Nine months later, you were born.
[xpost from r/funny] Let me know if this post is in the wrong place.
I have a backpack that lets me drink water while I hike. I've been debating returning it, but decided to give it another go. Yesterday I put a new straw in it, and now the straw is completely stuck and the backpack is unusable. I'm definitely returning it now.
It was the straw that broke the CamelBak.
My friend wouldn't let me put my beer in his fridge...
I told him, "It'd be a lot cooler if you did."
My wife said she got a job at the hospital, but recently she let slip she's working in labor and delivery....do you think she's cheating on me?
How should I confront her about this?
Wife (In reference to our unborn child): She's been kicking all day. She won't let me sleep!
Me: I guess you can say... she gets a kick out of it!
YEAHHHHHH!! (I didn't actually do this part, but it played in my head.)
Wife: groans go to sleep.
