We got a new dog yesterday. He was a rescue and we're so glad to make him a part of our family. 'I think the transition is going well.'
'But your mother thinks it's been ruff.'
I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.
They said it was grounds for termination.
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
Yeah yeah yeah, the circus fire was in tents but did you hear the one about the giant who got super drunk and threw up?
Really, you didn't about that? It was all over town.
Imagine being held at gunpoint by (bear with me) a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on social media.
wHo the hEll would beLieve such a thing can hapPen.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant’s head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke’s son and knocked him off the battle field.
Yeah, apparently it was the first ever serf face to heir missile.
I survived a fire, and lost everything
At least I'm smoking hot, now.
Did you hear about the guy who lit a fire in his canoe and caused it to sink?
It just goes to show, you can't have your kayak and heat it too!
I went to a restaurant, and the service was terrible. Plus they ran out of utensils.
I decided never to go back because they had zero forks to give.
For the charge of murder, the judge only gave Ray Liotta and Joe Pesci community service
because they were goodfellas
i was training in the military, and our instructor told us to fire at will.
few months later, i was court marshalled for murdering a superior by the name of "drill sergeant will"
How do you tell the difference between a chemical fire and an electrical fire?
With a fire distinguisher.
Batman gets word that somebody is in trouble and needs to be rescued quick...
Batman: Robin! Quick! Go get the Batmobile!
Robin: Sure thing, Batman!
A few minutes later...
Robin: The Batmobile won't start. In fact, it won't even turn over!
Batman: Check the battery.
Robin: What's a tery?
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
Santa and the elves are drinking around the fire and one of the elves says:
“Santa: you’ve been around since the 4th century, seen alphabets and languages rise and fall. Do you have a favorite letter?”
Claus thinks about it, scratches his thick white beard and says: “A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z”
“Well Santa, I just asked for one. What does that mean?”
“And I gave you one! My favorite letter of the alphabet is the most Christmasy one out there! No-L!”
My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.
He had no idea he had started a turf war.
"I've come here to hand over this abandoned cygnet that I rescued and raised"
Animal shelter: "Nice swan".
I work with a small town search and rescue. We recently had a guy visiting from the big city to do some kayaking on the river.
He doesn't know the area and gets himself lost. All he does know is that there are a lot of grizzly bears roaming around during the salmon spawn this time of year, so he's quite afraid to get out of his kayak.
The temperature starts to drop. He needs to stay warm, and decides to build a fire inside his little boat on the river.
He learnt a valuable lesson that night: you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two inventors died and ascended to heaven. There, they met each other and with their brilliant minds created a brand new form of fire making utensil.
It was a match made in heaven.
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
Build a man a fire and he’s warm for a day...
...set him on fire and he’s warm the rest of his life.
Did you hear that U.S. Mail is starting a freight delivery service to compete with FedEx and UPS?
My sister's family lost their only income when his husband got fired from his job making shoes, baguettes and sausages.
He was their sole bread wiener.
The head of Big Cat Rescue and the female antagonist in the hit Netflix documentary has been arrested after holding up an ice cream shop.
Police are reporting that it was Baskin-Robbins.
I let my out of town girlfriend know her vegetable service delivered a package today and I had some bad news.
She asked what had happened to it,
I told her the box had a leek in it.
Martha had always listened to her parents when they said ‘stay away from fire’, but today, her interests got the best of her and she intentionally lit herself on fire just to see what it felt like.
Martha was burning with curiosity
I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldn’t get my gun to fire.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
There's a rather unknown Greek myth that involved Zeus farting so loudly that it caused powerful lightning storms all over Greece. Panic and chaos ensued, and there was widespread looting as fires raged out on control.
Thus began the Zeus Toot Riots.
Tragic news, a cargo ship carrying shoes from overseas ran into heavy weather and sank, only one man was rescued, he was found using shoes as a makeshift flotation device.
He was the sole survivor.
I went to one of those insect restaurants, and the service was terrible
Apparently it’s because fly-tipping is not allowed!
I was cold while in my kayak so I lit a fire and it sunk
Shows you can’t have your kayak and heat it too!
I was messing around with my wife while we were camping and accidentally lit her hair on fire...
She’s not going to divorce me, but she was fuming.
I mean normally the customer service at the chip shop is fine. But when there's huge lines and only a few teens working there? Then it's...
Chalk boards are no longer being used in schools, so when the last school finally took them down to install smart boards, the teachers gathered all the writing utensils from them and had a large bon fire just outside the school. It smelled so good.
What do you call a confident and stylish, male fire ants?
Today a naked man ran into our church and disrupted the service...
He was eventually caught by the organ.
I found a box of discarded calculators and I just had to rescue them because...
The mayor of Cowville hosted a citywide celebration of their milk. At the opening ceremony the mayor stood proudly above a pool of milk to show the exceptional quality. Unfortunately as he left the stage he fell into the pool of milk. The townsmen quickly rescued him and asked if he was okay:
"Yes", he said, "I'm all-white".
People named Fred should really stop beeing selfish at their jobs. Just give fred an "I" and he might get fired...
Planning ahead
I asked my dad one time why he went to all these funerals and memorial services even for people he didn’t know. He looked at me with a very serious look on his face, and he said “if you don’t go to their memorial services then they won’t come to yours. “
A judge is hearing a case. 'The people V. United Parcel Service' and determines that the trucks area nuisance and a danger to the town. He decides to ban all their trucks from the town and calls his ruling:
'UPS Truck Shun of Justice'
Today while discussing game meats and a kangaroo stew I made a few years back, my coworker pointed out that with the Australian wild fires you won’t be able to get much kangaroo meat these days...
My reply without missing a beat — you’ll be able to buy it, you just won’t be able to buy it rare.
This morning a criminal broke into the dog rescue center and released all the dogs!
The police are still desperately looking for any leads..
I failed a health and safety course yesterday. One of the questions was ‘in the event of a fire, what steps would you take?’
‘Large ones’ was apparently the wrong answer.
So me and Eddie Vedder go camping, but he insists on building the fire
He says “My campfires are better, man.”
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on Reddit.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
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