I should have known they'd dyne and dash.
They wanted to live an adventure without equal
“Are you all Wright?!”
They are calling it “Ted Cruise”
Paddy O'Furniture!
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
Sorry, just had to heir my dirty laundry
What a re-leaf
Head lice.
But as they say, 'tis the season
So, I've taken the hint...
I got her a magazine rack!
I’m really not sure how effective they are, seems as if they are a shot in the dark.
How do you think I get my feet in them?
Only one was like "Yemen"
Yes, it sounds weird, but it’s a novelty.
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
Pun in, 10 dead.
The second cowboy is relieved to be alive, and thankful that he knew that that was no bacon tree.
It was a ham bush
debillatated
The man says "that's not a lion, that's a giraffe"
Except maybe the manure spreader
It was Aftcannonstan.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
Because the bartender keeps saying, “Can I get U anything?”
Then I saw her face, Now we're in Geneva.
...and then the coffin stopped.
Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one.
Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.
Personally I think that is just ignore ants.
A little bit of Background information: When I was a young lad, my father was a professional glass cleaner. Not just for a job, cleaning Glass was this man's passion! He always wanted me to take over for him when I grew up, but I always thought it would be a pain, it was a silly job, really. However, I knew that my father would be shattered if I didn't put an honest effort into the cleaning business. The first time I perfectly cleaned a mirror, I realized I could really see myself doing this! My father was wiping away tears of pride when I began to become as passionate as he was.
Anyways, fast forward to a couple months ago. I have taken over my father's cleaning company, and was working a job at a publishing agency. Now, due to the pandemic, this building had set up different entry points depending on the purpose of your visit, and each one was gated and stationed by an employee so you could have your temperature taken and go through a checklist to ensure you don't have any symptoms, etc.
After finishing the contract at this building, the owner was so impressed with my work that he said he would like to recommend me for a permanent job with a friend of his. At first, I was skeptical (I had taken over the family business, after all), but it was becoming difficult to find regular clients anymore, so I agreed. He gave me a single sheet from a notepad, and told me to write down something about myself that sets me apart from others in my line of work, and I should make it a very impactful statement, his friend was a very busy man and wouldn't look at more than notes like these. I wasn't sure what to write on the spot, so he told me to think about it, and return the note when I come back to leave the bill for my work.
So I came back a few days later, went through the gate to drop off my bill and my note about how I am much better than any other glass cleaner out there. Well, it turns out the friend of the publishing agency's owner was a hiring manager for a well-known computer company, and my note really caught his eye, and I was offered the job! Now I make more money every two weeks than I had with a month! At first, I though my father would be upset by me leaving the family business behind, but he told me "As long as you are happy where you are, with what you are doing, then you are succeeding in life. You are no longer a student of glass cleaning, you are my equal, and I am proud of you" I never realized how freeing it
... keep reading on reddit ➡Gluteus Maximus
But I realized it's because their work is Neva Dan
1.bI refused to believe my dad was fired as a road worker for theft
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
- Yesterday, I was fired from a keyboard factory
Apparently, I wasn't putting enough shifts.
- My friends bet me $50 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti
You should've seen the look on their face when I drove pasta.
- The price of a slice of an apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in Bahamas
These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.
- "Welcome to the Plastic Surgery Addicts group", a man said.
"Btw I have to say I'm very disappointed to see only a few new faces this week."
They were steamed!
If only they could see me now.
At first it’s boring and then it’s Riveting!
"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."
They wont see it coming
That’s just how we roll
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
What a re-leaf
She'll be happy to know I got the hint. I got her a magazine rack!
