The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when I was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone.

He said, β€œFine. Suit yourself.”

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
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This guy just approached me and won’t leave me alone until I solve a trigonometry problem.

I don’t know what his angle is.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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I was shopping for a tuxedo, and I had to tell the pushy salesman to leave me alone.

He said, β€œFine. Suit yourself.”

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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My dad's response when I told him "Leave me alone, I'm on edge"

"Weird, I have 4G"

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Tys1_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2014
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This dog won't stop leaving me alone
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tristan_2032
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
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I was excavating a large hole in my backyard in order to build an underground office. My neighbor wasn't too happy with the noise and wanted to come and see what all the commotion was about.

I told him to just leave me alone. After all, I'm just mining my own business.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IAMA_SWEET
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad's been busy

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

  1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

  3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

  6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

  7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

  8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

  9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

  10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

  11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

  12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

  13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

  14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

  1. Took a bo
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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My son asked me what it was like being married...

So I asked him to leave me alone and when he did I demanded to know why he was ignoring me!

πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ“…︎ May 26 2019
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Not a dad joke, but what's up with r/PunPatrol in here?

This is a safe place for puns! Leave the dad jokes alone! Or so help me God, you will be punished.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jonners_90
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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This is a story that ends in my best joke to date.

I'm a nanny, the family I work for typically hang out for 10-30 minutes before the parents leave me and baby alone, just to chat and catch up, as well as to mitigate any potential meltdowns from a sudden leaving.

Anyway, Baby has started walking and is very keen to investigate everything. Yesterday he was headed straight to the electrical outlet. So I said to him, "oh no that's not a toy! Our fingers don't go there,"

Dad says, "baby disagrees"

"That's shocking."

Dad, "That's better than any dad joke I've come up with"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyDogsNameIsToes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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Funny quotes from Blackadder the Third

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Morning, Mr. B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market.

[Referring to a suicide pill they have both been given, after being captured by French revolutionaries]

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): I’m glad to say you won’t be needing that pill, Mr. B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words β€œI have a cunning plan” marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): They certainly are.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Well, forgive me if I don’t do a cartwheel of joy; your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): We do nothing …

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Yup, it’s another world-beater.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): No, wait. We do nothing … until our heads have actually been cut off.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): And then we … spring into action?

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): [to Baldrick] Unless I think of something, tomorrow we go to meet our Maker: in my case God, in your case God knows.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Sounds like a bag of grapefruits to me, Mr B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): The phrase, Baldrick, is β€œa case of sour grapes” – and yes it bloody well is.

Mrs. Miggins: The Scarlet Pimpernel, Mr. Blackadder! He’s so exciting, don’t you think?

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Actually, I think he’s the most over-rated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD31 Best Disciple Competition.

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/funny-quotes-from-blackadder-the-third/

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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A human is on a alien space ship alone in a cage. An alien guard sees him and puts another human in the cage along with him.

Human asks β€œwhy didnt you leave me in the cage alone?”

Alien says β€œi didnt want to alienate you”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mundo_Official
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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Donald and Melania Trump Invite Hillary and Bill Clinton to a tour of their redecorated white house.

Donald wants to show off how he changed everything since Bill was president. he shows them all the golden oval office and wants to show Hillary his new situation room and leads her out leaving Bill and Melania alone. After a few minutes Donald and Hillary return to find Bill and Melania having sex on his desk. Hillary shouts "Bill how could you!?" Bill turns and says "Let's be honest this isn't the first time that you caught me having sex in the oval office. At least this time it's with the first lady."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unthgod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
🚨︎ report
A father comes home from work to find his son playing on the computer....

Dads asks β€œwhat are you playing son?” Son seems aggravated by being interrupted and answers, β€œMinecraft. β€œ

Dad replies β€œso one could say you’re practicing for a career in the mining business.”

Kid says, β€œwhy don’t you mine your own business and leave me alone!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sand_searcher
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
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Even my Dreams are Punny

I honestly just had a dream that belongs here. At the start of the dream, I meticulously engraved the word "Over" into a knife when I started getting all these friends and old contacts telling me to leave them alone and blocking me... when I didn't say shit. I finally notice somebody is going through my contacts on all social media one at a time and just ruining friendships sending lewd photos of their junk.

I realize it's coming from my computer at home and I can't get remoted into it so I start driving home... only to get caught in a bunch of tornados. One smaller one picks me up and throws my car about 20ft knocking my wheel loose.

I limp my car away from that tornado only to find another doing like a Mexican standoff with me on the highway. I turned to the random person in my passenger seat holding up the knife and said "Wind or Loose, it'll be Over in a Flash" and I woke up. Now I feel the need to change all my passwords...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MentalSewage
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2017
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A fruit fly lands on my iPhone...

I shoo it away and it keeps coming back.

Me: this fruit fly won't leave my phone alone. It keeps coming back.

Boyfriend: Well, it is an apple.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/galaxyMLP
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2017
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Just say meow.

How my dad used to wake us up. I can't wait to torture my kids this way.

Dad: wake up, its time for school!

Me: 5 more minutes.

Dad: oh you want a cat nap? Say 'meow'

Me: nooooo ughhh

Dad: I'm not Noah? But didn't he build an ark?

Me: dad go away!

Dad: but I already know what I weigh.

Me: dad pleaaase

Dad: police? Where?!

Me: dad leave me alone!

Dad: a loan? Okay how much do you need?

Me: dad stop!

Dad: just say meow.

Me: meow

πŸ‘︎ 109
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2014
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Was boarding an airplane from Rome to Hungary...

A lot of Hungarians and a few Romans lining up with me (alone) at the terminal. I can hear that they speak English, they're all murmuring to each other. At the last second our terminal gets changed and we have to leave the airplane we were lined up to board behind. Instead we walk down another terminal that leads to some stairs that leads onto a bus.

We all pack in, I'm positioned somewhere in the middle of the masses when I announce "This is a funny looking airplane!"

EVERYONE looks at me. Not a smile. Not a smirk. Nothing.

I crack up laughing at how funny I am.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zombait
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2015
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Raking at my place of worship gave birth to an unfunny dad joke

I was gathering the leaves from my huge pile of leaves and placing them in a garbage bag inside of a garbage can. To squeeze them down, I lifted my foot up and stomped on the leaves. One of my buddies who's like 13 says to me from the other side of the fence "All you can do is hurt leaves." I stare back at him and say "so the others know they better leave me alone."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elcielo17
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2014
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Astronomy Dad Joke

I was doing some stargazing with my telescope Saturday night, since it was a good time to view Uranus. When I was done, I carried my telescope inside and my brother says "What were you looking for?" I made a point to say it like 'Ur-uh-nus'.

Dad walks into the room as I am leaving and asks my brother what I was looking for. Inevitably, my brother replies 'Ur-ay-nus'.

Dad quips to me down the hall: "Leave your brother alone and look for your own!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kosmosouthern
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2015
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Dad has an idea for a TV show

Okay I had an idea. So it's a buddy cop show except that the cop is a bike cop and his partner is the bike and the bike is alive and mean.

So then they would do a good cop and bad cop thing and then the good cop would leave the bike alone with the suspect and then come back in and the suspect would be all beat up and saying "DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH THE BIKE AGAIN" and then the cop would be like

well I did warn you that it's a VICIOUS CYCLE

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cookiemobsta
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2014
🚨︎ report
Hit my nephew with a classic.

My mom, brother, dad and I were making the food for the dinner. When one of my nephews says "I'm hungry!" My dad and I both had a twinkle in our eyes, so I turn around, and with the most amount of sarcasm I could muster, I said: "Hi hungry, I'm jesusdo." My wife heard me in the living room, and said "oh leave the poor creature alone." My nephew said "I'm serious!" Then my dad said "but I thought that you were hungry a second ago."

Edit: added my dad's response.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jesusdo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2014
🚨︎ report
I used to find inchworms on the floor every now and then when I was a kid.

Me: "Look Dad, I found an inchworm on the floor."

Dad: "Leave him alone, he is measuring for new carpet!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/langkattle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2014
🚨︎ report
The guy at the tuxedo store keeps hovering around me, so I asked him to leave me alone.

He said, β€œFine. Suit yourself.”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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The tailor at the tuxedo store kept hovering around me, so I asked him to leave me alone.

He said, β€œFine. Suit yourself.”

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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The guy at the tuxedo store was hovering over me, so I asked him to leave me alone.

He said, β€œFine. Suit yourself.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
🚨︎ report
The shopkeeper at the tuxedo store kept hovering over me, so I told him to leave me alone.

He said, β€œFine. Suit yourself.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
🚨︎ report
The tailor at the tuxedo shop was constantly trying to measure me, so I asked him to leave me alone.

He said, β€œFine. Suit yourself.”

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
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I don't like going to Home Depot

The studfinders won't leave me alone

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/k33p
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2016
🚨︎ report

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