A list of puns related to "Last Chance U"
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
“Yes of course” replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit ➡Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.
So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.
He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.
As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.
She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.
This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.
When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.
This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.
The two couldn't be happier!
They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.
One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.
She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.
She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.
A shallot, if you will.
A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.
They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.
The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.
Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.
Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.
He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.
One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.
The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.
She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to
... keep reading on reddit ➡Hi! My dad had a heart attack last week, then went home, less than 12 hours later was back in with a one in a million fluke chance that he'd have complication. He's been in for a week now and was told he is nothing short of a miracle. I'm pregnant and can't really go see him often in ICU because of the very very sick people, but I wanted to do something special and thought i'd ask here. He is pretty down about the whole thing, usually pretty active guy keeping himself busy but I would love to create a little book for him to cheer him up. Nothing crazy but maybe some great jokes to keep him on the cheery side I might include a little art for him too with the joke. Thanks everyone.
A man walks into a diner and sits down. The waitress approached him and asks him what he would like. The man replies: “I want a quickie!” The waitress tells him that what he said is very rude and to be serious. The man asks for a quickie again. The waitress gets mad and walks away. 5 minutes later she comes back and says: “Sir, last chance. What do you want?” The man says “I want a quickie!” The man behind him turns around and says: “Uh, sir? Yeah, I believe it’s pronounced QUICHE.”
There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.
He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.
One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.
Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.
"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"
"Just a single banana." he said.
After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...
...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...
...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...
And for whatever reason, he got his job back!
So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!
Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."
Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....
NOTHING.
... keep reading on reddit ➡Two naturalists spent the bulk of their lives studying bears in the Soviet Union. One was from Czechoslovakia and the other from Poland. When the USSR fell in December 1991 they were both old men, but they were excited about the prospect of finally getting the chance to study grizzlies in America. That following Spring they made arrangements to travel to Yellowstone to finally see the grizzlies.
When they arrived and informed the park rangers of their plan the rangers were alarmed, telling the scientists, "You can't go now. It's mating season, and the bears are very aggressive." But the former Soviets were insistent. "Please," they said, "We must go. We've waited our whole lives. We may never get another chance." Realizing the men couldn't be dissuaded, the rangers gave them a radio with instructions to report in with their location every day. The scientists set out, and for several days they reported dutifully that all was well.
On the third day, though, they failed to report in. Anxiously, the rangers sent out a search party to the scientists' last known location.
Unfortunately, the rangers discovered a bloody mess when they found the men's camp, and the tracks of two bears, a male and a female, leading off into the woods.
The rangers followed the tracks until suddenly they came upon the female grizzly, her muzzle still crimson with blood. They shot her and conducted an autopsy on the spot, sadly finding the remains of the Polish scientist inside her stomach.
"You know what this means, don't you?" said one ranger to the other. "Yes," the other replied, "The Czech is in the male."
Two horses are talking in a field. One starts telling a story about the races at sandown, where he was coming last with no chance, when all of a sudden he got this tingling feeling up his back. Went real fast, passed the others and won the race.
Other horse says 'that's amazing' same thing happened to me, I'm trailing the field, and I got a wierd tingle up my back, burst of energy and I won the race.
In the next field a greyhound is walking past, he says to the horses 'excuse me' I couldnt help but overhear your conversation, and I have to tell you that even I, at haydock got that tingle in my back, and won the race.
The one horse turns and says to the other...
'Fucking hell, a talking dog!'
Its my last chance to have a smoking hot body, and I don't plan on missing it
Last week a wheel broke off my office chair and I kept it because I'm never one to pass on the chance for prop humor.
On Tuesday I got invited out with two of my friends to go grab a drink after work, I was told their girlfriends would be there too.
I pocketed my wheel and brought it with me to the bar, after a while when the couples started getting into their own chit chat I silently placed the wheel on the bar.
My friend asked me why there was a wheel on the bar and I told him "Oh, I'm just solidifying my spot as the fifth wheel."
I laughed and then died a little on the inside.
On mobile sorry if errors. Context: I work in a bar. We hired a new girl, she came in right before it got busy. After two hours worked working together..
Me: "Sorry I didn't get a chance to properly introduce myself. I'm Max by the way....but that's not my real last nMe"
Her:"Hi, I'm Gabbi, wait, what?"
Me:"nevermind"
We have a dog.
He does his business in a pen.
This pen needs to be cleaned out often because this dog is slightly touched in the head and has a habit of stepping in his own feces.
On the regular.
So... it's been getting dark out before I get home and I haven't had a chance to stay on top of the task.
Last night I grab a very small flashlight and go out to the pen to do a quick poop pickup.
2 minutes later I came back in the house, slammed the flashlight on the table and proclaimed to the rest of my family "I CAN'T SEE SHIT WITH THIS LIGHT"
dadjokes are all the better when you are the only one laughing.
So I work at a grocery store. Last night I was refilling the milk case and one of the cute cashiers walks up to me and she said "Hey what are you doing?" in a sly tone. Without even a chance to blink while standing there with a gallon of milk in each hand I replied "Handling a pair of large jugs" She laughed, I laughed, the older lady standing near us looked offended... good times!
Was at dinner with my SO's parents tonight when the subject of exotic animal meat for consumption came up.
SO: I was hoping I could try Zebra while I was overseas last year but never got the chance.
SO's dad: yeah, I bet Zebra is chockfull of white meat, dark meat, white meat, dark meat, white meat....
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