...they obviously have no taste.
It’s Lit.
I guess you could say it's a dying art.
They are just trying to be edgy.
My 2 year old little girl was sitting at the kitchen table eating her dinner. It was me and my wife and her, just chilling. So, she drops her napkin on the floor and I pick it up and hand it to her, to which she says thank you daddy. So, I ask her if she can say thank you in spanish.
"Thank you daddy, in spanish"
I almost choked on my meal I laughed so hard, and my wife groaned. I have never been prouder.
Back in my day we had to watch our AD in 480i
Area 15
Hum-ble Rap.
...of letters.
I don’t know why they all want to dye.
I don't know what they're teaching kids in schools these days. I asked my son what rhymed with orange, and he said nothing. Nothing? Those two words don't even sound alike!
Kids these days have a lot of slang for a killer clown movie.
Wife: The kids moved my bookmark.
Me: all these years and you haven’t learned my name is Austin.
Wife stared at me blankly for a few moments and then went on with her day. Lol
As are many people these days, I am at home with my kids all day long.
Kid: I asked you a question!
Me: I didn't hear you.
Kid: Three times, too!
Me: Six.
Dad: Hey did you hear a bout what happened in Texas the other day?
Me: No, what happened?
Dad: Well there was these kids standing on an overpass of the highway, and they were dangling a noose over the edge trying to distract drivers. After a while the noose gets lower and lower and ends up catching a guys hand hanging out of the window, and ripped it clean off.
Me: Holy Shit no way that happened?!
Dad: Yup! And guess what they charged the kid with?
Me: I have no idea.
Dad: Armed Robbery....
The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.
Puns for Kids
Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!
What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!
Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.
The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.
How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!
What musical is about a train conductor? “My Fare, Lady”.
A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What animals are on legal documents? Seals!
Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!
Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.
Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Dockyard: A physician’s garden.
What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!
The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.
“What’s purple and 5000 miles long?” “Ooh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Four bucks,” says the bartender. “Put it on my bill.”
I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!
When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is
... keep reading on reddit ➡So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to be his friend and we got very close.
His sister, Ling, was always uptight about school and she made sure to study, she got stressed about a B, etc. One day I was hanging out with Ving, and we started talking about names. He went off on this huge rant about how he hated his, and how he wanted to change it to something more Asian-American, like Lee. I told him that the Courthouse downtown had a form that you could fill to legally change it. He told me: "I always give you answers. If you could just drive me down to the courthouse this one time, I will never forget you. I just hate this god-forsaken Chinese name and I want to get rid of it forever."
He seemed pretty adamant about it, so I decided the best decision would be to take him. We walked out to my car, and right as I put the keys in the ignition Ling came running and tapped on the car door like a madman. I rolled it down and she started freaking out about how Ving's name had been passed down through generations and generations, but Ving didn't care. He just wanted to go down to the Courthouse and get it over with.
Ling figured that coming with would be the best idea, so if anything else came up that she would be needed for, she would be there for Ving. Honestly, I felt stuck in the middle of a family feud, so I just took her along. When we got to the Courthouse, Ving confidently walked up to the front desk and asked the receptionist if he could change his name. She gave him a little packet of paper and told him to sit down. Ling and I waited patiently while Ving filled out his info. I was watching him fill it out and I noticed he really did want to change his name to Lee.
Before he finished, though, he started tearing up. He told me he couldn't change his name. He asked the lady at the front that he couldn't do it, and she told him he would need twenty dollars to cancel the request. Ling was so relieved and happy that he changed his mind, she dug through her purse, found the money, and started to hand it to the receptionist.
It was at this moment that the most stereotypical Asian man burst through the doors. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a visor, American flag shorts, flip flops, everything. This
... keep reading on reddit ➡So I'm at Costco picking up the hot dog meal I had added to my order at the checkout. The girl at the food court register yells to the guy working in the back, "Hey! Can you make me a hot dog?"
I looked at her dead serious, waved my spirit fingers, and said, "POOF! YOU'RE A HOT DOG!"
.... She didn't get it. Kids these days...
Friend: Yo, JA24, I was thinking of starting a business
Me: Oh really, doing what?
Friend: Airline Pastry catering
Me: ...sounds oddly specific
Friend: Well it's just a pie in the sky at the moment!
He comes out with these all the time, he's destined to embarrass his kids with these one day :P
When I was younger my dad would always sing this jingle
"Shes got freckles on her but shes pretty." and I kind of always giggled.
fast forward like 3 more years and he sings it one day and I am blown away as I realize he was saying the entire time "Shes got freckles on her butt, shes pretty"
Also he used to close his right eye while driving and told me he closed both of them and to tell him which direction to steer. I was like 4-6 and barley knew left from right, especially under stress. I always freaked out. He had a great time with it. I can't wait to do these things to my kids.
My girlfriend NEVER drinks, but she had a little bit of a stressful day this day and was kidding. We were walking into the grocery store after work.
Her: Whew, I feel like a beer!
Me: [squint and give the slightest grin]
Her: I don't feel like A beer! I feel like HAVING A beer!
Me: Well I feel like a beer. Look at all these hops. [hop a few times with feet together like an idiot]
She enjoyed my lame joke.
After a piano recital my mom and dad start talking about me being a role model Mom: you know, all these younger kids really look up to him when he plays Dad: well of course, he is taller Mom: ... Dad: ohh how do I do it every day
I work in Marketing for an east coast MLB team. The other day, we held a "Country Western Night" and had various attractions in and around the stadium that went with the theme. One of these was a 'NASCAR simulator'- which was essentially just a racing game you'd find at any arcade. At the 8th inning, just before closing time, a man walked by with his wife, both sipping beer and watching kids play the game. We were closing after those last two kids, so I asked him if he wanted to play, or if he was just watching. He responded with, "Oh, I'm just watching", gestured with his beer and said, "I don't want to drink and drive anyway".
