I’m really loving the tree puns people are posting

They’re just such lightwooded jokes but I understand that it doesn’t teaks everyone’s fancy. I’m running out of tree puns so I might have to branch off to other puns or spruce up my current ones

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
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My birtch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce.

She said she’s tired of all of my tree puns.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BHarcade
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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my grandfather said this today on the dinner table and i was the only one that found it hilarious for no reason at all

G : what type of apples grow on trees ?

my dumbass : idk red and green ?

G : all of them do

wheezes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/malikbefine
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
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Where do jewellery shops get most of their repeat business from?

Trees, they get a new ring every year.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/THPSROCKS
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2021
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I was walking with my son the other day...

He picked up an acorn and asked me what it was. I told him it was a tree. He said really? I said, well in a nutshell yes.

πŸ‘︎ 859
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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What do you call an isolated tree?

A quaran-tree-ne

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πŸ‘€︎ u/STRG9
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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What did Edgar Allan Poe's friends say when he was about to crash into a tree?

Poe a tree!

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PMyourself
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
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I asked my dad to simply explain what an acorn is.

He said, "It's an oak tree, in a nutshell."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/raaalphs
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
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Once upon a time there were two little skunks.

Their names were In and Out. They lived in a hollow tree stump with their mother. Sometimes they liked to play inside, and sometimes outside.

One day, In was outside, and Out was inside. Mamma skunk asked Out to go find his brother. So Out went out, to bring In in. A short while later they both came inside. Mamma asked Out how he managed to find his brother so fast.

He smiled and said: "Instinct"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smoffatt34920
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
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What do you call a tree that sucks blood?

A country (Count-tree)

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Esmeralda_i
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
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A child and his father are walking down the street when the child asks...

"Dad, what does being drunk feels like?"

"Well son, you see those four trees over there? If you were drunk, you'd see eight trees."

"Dad, there are only two trees."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/infinit9
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
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How do you like them apples?

Mom was freaking out that we ate all the apples.

"I just bought them, yesterday!! It's not like they..."

"...grow in trees?" Dad finished.

All of us kids were cracking up and dad is now having a private talk with mom.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
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What does Stevie Wonder say to Louis Armstrong?

I heard trees are green

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marinmarge
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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I own a solar powered food maker.

It's an apple tree.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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Why did the dog bark at the tree?

Because the tree barked first

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Witchywomun
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
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A man is preparing to cut down a tree in the forest.

The tree says, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"

The man replies, "You're going to dialogue."

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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Ol’ Mr. Woodpecker

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AgedMurcury78
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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Since it’s spring time you could say.......

.........trees are releafed now

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nickatier_Carbs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
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I saw a murder outside my house today...

All the crows were just sitting in my tree...

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brady01234
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
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How do you find your dog if it's lost in the woods?

Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
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Teacher: use the word geometry in a sentence

Student: One day, an acorn fell off, landed and sprouted. It grew and grew, and one day it woke up and said β€œgee, I’m a tree!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cicero_the_roman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
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How did the arborist save a tree?

Tree-P-R

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πŸ‘€︎ u/medic_228
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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The geometry major proved to be an excellent gardener...

...due to his extensive knowledge of tree angles.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SegavsCapcom
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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What type of tree grows around dead people?

A ceme-tree

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
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A father and son were sitting in the woods.

Son: Dad, do trees poop?

Dad: Of course son, how do you think we get #2 pencils.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beek77
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
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Growing Fruit Trees

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What do you know about growing fruit trees?" he asks the bartender. "Why do you ask?" the bartender replies. "My wife just told me to grow a pear," the guy replies. "I don't know how that's going to help me kill that spider she was complaining about...."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
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Did you ever hear about the lumberjack in the magic Forrest?

A lumberjack went to a magic Forrest to cut down some trees for wood. He comes up to the first tree he sees and starts to chop it down. Suddenly the tree cries out β€œWait! Don’t cut me down! I’m a magical talking tree!” The lumberjack replies β€œYou may be a magic tree but you will dialogue!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CactusMan313
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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What time should you tend to your plants?

Tree-o'clock

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sharkey2006
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
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New joke from my 8 yr old

What sound does a tree make?

It barks

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/artrandenthi1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
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"Do you know what happens if a car hits a tree going 30mph?" my son asked.

I said, "No, I've never seen a tree moving that fast before."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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I am always careful in my backyard

Because some trees are nuts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ricerly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
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Yesterday, I saw a group of trees sign a paper

It was a peace β€œtree”ty.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/THISISWARDUDE
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
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Are pun requests allowed?

I'm trying to find a good pun for pine or pine tree that is wedding/marriage themed.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firetruckyou098
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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What's handy and grows

A palm tree

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gameboy90
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?

In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.

πŸ‘︎ 144
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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Dad: Why did the elephant climb the maple tree?

Daughter: (Studiously ignores him).

Dad: To eat some cherries.

Daughter: (Not looking up from her phone). Maple trees don't have cherries, Dad.

Dad: He brought his own.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RipKipley
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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My blonde aunt broke her leg raking leaves.

She fell out of the tree.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
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So I brought a tree home for Christmas

My son saw the huge tree and asked, "Are you going to put i up yourself?"

I replied, "No son I'm going to put it up in the living room."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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If you take a dump on a stump...

Does that make it a toilet tree?

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theoddfind
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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My 3 yr old just cracked me up with this joke as I was putting him to bed

Why did the tree moo?

Because there was a cow stuck in it!

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whomhead
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
what do you call a tree that will never give you up, never let you down, never gonna run around and desert you?

rick ash-tree

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imboredwithlyf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of tree fits in your hand?

A Palm Tree

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/red_snake0329
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Son: β€œWhat crime would I be charged with if I broke into the Capitol and planted a forest?”

Dad: β€œWell I’m no legal expert, but I suspect there’d be some trees in there.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I own a solar powered food maker...

It's a apple tree.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report

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