A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I apologise if this isn't allowed.

New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoThruTrucks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I overdosed on Viagra once....

Hardest day of my life.

πŸ‘︎ 178
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MBMV
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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My wife insisted on pouring flour into the melted butter.

I told her she would roux the day.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhantomBanker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
The wedding was so touching that

even the cake was in tiers.

Edit: Thank you so much guys! I never expected this to reach 10k upvotes! You guys truly made my day.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anoobypro
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the sponge wake up early?

To get the moist out of the day.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bakevaren
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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When I was a kid, my parents would always say, β€œExcuse my French” after a swear word...

I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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I used to work at a calendar factory

But they fired me for taking a couple of days off

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaden_strommer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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What did God do after creating a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth?

He called it a day.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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An interesting title

So a guy has a friend who sells bees, and so one day the man decides to buy some red from his friend. He ordered 12 bees, but when he got them he had 13 bees. So he tells his friend that he gave him an extra bee by mistake, and his friend said β€œNo, that’s a free bee”.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourHistoryBook
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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The only dad joke I know. My friend asked me to post it. :-)

I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day!

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Southernms
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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I like the way earth rotates.

It really makes my day

πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/romeo_rocks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.

That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_CockLord
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
WARNING FOR EVERYONE WHO WANTS THE KFC GAME CONSOLE

Avoid getting a console on launch day. Multiple units had to be recalled due to the circuit boards being "fried".

πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ILikeCodecaine
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

πŸ‘︎ 188
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mari_kitsuro
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Once upon a time in the jungle...

Once upon a time there were numerous tribes in a jungle. Each tribe struggled to survive, and over time and as skills evolved, tribes began to trade goods with each other. One tribe learned the skills of architecture, and traded designs for safe grass houses with neighboring tribes for other necessities, such as food. Over time, the tribe grew quite rich, and without the need for goods the chief of the tribe demanded payment in the form of a tribute, an ornate throne. Over time the number of thrones the chief owned grew more and more numerous, so he had a great multi-story grass house built to store all of his thrones. One day, the weight of the thrones became so much the house collapsed, killing the chief. The moral of the story is… wait for it…

He who lives in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pirate-Frog
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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A guy has a rough day and stops at Dick’s Place...

...he tells the owner and bartender that he’s a surgeon down at the hospital and he just wants to forget about everything for awhile.

Dick knows just the thing. He quickly whips up a thick, exotic beverage and places it in front of the worn out doctor. He takes one sip and his eyes light up. β€œWhat IS that?” β€œThat’s my signature almond daiquiri”, Dick tells him. The surgeon tells him it’s delicious, pays his bill and comes back the next day and the next day at the same time for the same thing: An almond daiquiri.

Before long, like clockwork, Dick is able to have it ready for him just before he comes in. But, one day as he is preparing the drink, he realizes that he’s run out of almonds! With no time to lose, he quickly substitutes the almonds with hickory nuts and sets the beverage on the bar.

The surgeon pops in, takes a big gulp, and immediately spits it all over the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, β€œThat’s not an almond daiquiri, Dick!” And Dick says, β€œNo, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5YearApril
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Need Hella Puns

https://preview.redd.it/wa3s3ozxftc61.png?width=4500&format=png&auto=webp&s=04f10d36e95914e4d39ec2312ce5176a062911b1

Who thinks they're punny?! πŸ˜œβ €β €I sketched this Hellraiser holding a cactus and thought it'd make a cute Valentine's Day card. I'm in the process of colouring it and I want YOU to help me caption it.β €

I've asked the question on IG (@ashrobertsondesign) but didn't get a lot of feedback so I'm reaching out here. Gimme your best prick, point, hell, etc. related puns n make it about love πŸ”₯

I'll choose a favourite from the comments and turn it into a FREE Valentine's Day card printable.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ashtrobertson
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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Why was Thomas the tank engine out of breath?

He was training all day.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whippymcdumbass
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Choose a major you love

and you'll never work a day in your life because that field probably isn't hiring

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moiKeshav
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I've started investing in stocks: beef, chicken and vegetable

One day, I hope to be a bouillonaire!

πŸ‘︎ 168
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Today is the best evening ever! Do you wanna know why?

Today evening at 21:21:21 oβ€˜clock is the 21 day of year 21 of the 21 century.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HESDERS1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Well.. We made another trip around the sun.

But it's the earth's rotation that really makes my day.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jagee23
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
People who celebrate Valentine’s Day are stupid

People who celebrate post Valentine’s Day are smart because you get more bang for your buck.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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It doesn't matter if youre straight, gay or bisexual

At the end of the day, its night

πŸ‘︎ 125
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Unemployed Pilot (Dad still killing it at 70)

My dad just sent me this (couldn't help but groan, even as a dad myself):

I had a fella in painting and decorating the house for the last three days, I got chatting to him and it turns out he is actually a Ryanair pilot on PUP (Pandemic Unemployment Payment - social welfare in Ireland for those affected by Covid), he is decorating now to try and pay his mortgage, sad times but in fairness he did a great job on the landingπŸ˜¬πŸ‘

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Garbarrage
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
I heard Giuliani dyed?

It leaked a few days ago.

πŸ‘︎ 383
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beard_on
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why doesn’t magneto wear purple anymore ?

Because the β€œDays of Fuchsia Passed”

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish-Emotional
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I got fired from my job as a calendar manufacturer...

All I did was take a day off...

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ikennaezeee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
The Tells bowling adventures

Everyone knows the story about William Tell shooting an apple off his son's head but not many know that the Tell family was huge into bowling, even joined a league. Sadly, the records weren't kept safe and to this very day we have no idea for whom the Tells bowled.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/baronvb1123
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Pulled off a real-life-one, i guess...

Soo.. a little background: my mother was about to visit for a walk outside the next day when this dialogue happened; also: my native language is german and i don't know if this very common in english as well, but my daughter calls my mother <stgm_at's-mother-first-name>-gramma. for the sake of this post let's assume her name is elizabeth.

so here goes...

(i enter the living room; wife & daughter sitting on the couch)

daughter: (in a moderately excited voice) hey dad, you know who's going to visit us tomorrow?

me: (acting as if i didn't know) don't know, who?

daughter: elizabeth-gramma.

me: huh, really, but do you know who is also going to visit us?

(daughter looks at me even more excited, there was defenitely a twinkle in her eye; wife looks at me sceptical)

daughter: don't know, who?

me: my mum.

(cue rolling eyes and groan from my wife and laughter from my daughter)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stgm_at
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Why can't blind people eat ocean fish?

Because it's see-food!

my 11 year old daughter ran in here while cooking greens and dropped that knowledge on us. I couldn't be more proud lol.

edit: just wanted to let those of you who have is awards that I appreciate it! I told my daughter about them and she asked if she can keep telling jokes for me to put on here lol. should get fairly interesting.

thanks all. I hope you had a great turkey gobble day

πŸ‘︎ 150
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyberrich
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
The man and the silver screw.

There once was this fella was born with a silver screw in his belly button. His parents, and later himself, searched far and wide trying to find someone that knew how this happened and how to remove it. As he grew older he cared less and less about the "how" and more about the removal. One day in his never-ending search he encountered a wizened woman who said that she knew of a place where you could go and a mysterious force would be able to remove the screw. But, before she provided the location she asked him if this was REALLY something he wanted done and if he knew all the consequences of his desire. The man hastily said that he was 10000% sure and more than well informed of the consequences. So, she gave him the location of the cave and the instructions on how to gain the help of the mysterious force. He was to go to the cave and sleep nude in the cave over night and by the morning his request would be fulfilled. He made his way to the spot with all due haste and followed the instructions to the letter. He did this and fell into a sound sleep. During the night a heavy fog rolled into the cave and a shining silver screwdriver floated into the cave with it. It floated down to the man and gently removed the screw. When the man woke up in the morning and saw the screw on the ground beside him he quickly reached down and felt his belly button. The screw was gone! He sprung up with great joy but the minute he landed after his leap of joy his butt fell off. He froze in horror and started to scream "Why did my butt fall off?" over and over.

The moral of the story is "Don't mess with things you don't understand or you will lose your butt."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jj8o8
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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A pirate dad joke

A pirate and a sailor were exchanging stories. The sailor pointed to the pirate’s peg leg, asking β€œHow’d you get that?”

β€œAye, I wrestled a shark and lost me leg.”

The sailor pointed to the pirate’s hook and asked β€œHow’d you get that?”

β€œAye, I fought Red Beard’s crew and lost me hand.”

The sailor then pointed to the pirate’s eyepatch, again asking β€œHow’d you get that?”

β€œAye, a bird flew by and shat in me eye.”

The sailor responded with β€œThat’s not as impressive as the first two”.

β€œAye, it was me first day with me hook.”

πŸ‘︎ 161
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DelaneyElias
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What is a caterpillar's worst enemy?

A dogerpillar.

This was a joke from my first book of jokes I received on my 8th birthday. I felt it was appropriate on my cake day.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobertJSh
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A jewish pastor becomes a missionary...

...and ends up on the Island of Trid. The people there are starving and explain to the pastor that it’s because whenever they try to harvest the fruit at the top of the mountain, the nasty giant comes out of his cave and boots them all back down the hill. This infuriates the pastor who then declares that tomorrow he will join them on their next attempt. The next day they all march up the mountain together, and sure enough, out comes the giant who proceeds to kick all of the locals back down the hill leaving only the new guy to gather fruit at his leisure. Finally, he stops and asks the giant, β€œWell, aren’t you going to knock me off the mountain?”. Shaking his head, the giant says, β€œSilly rabbi, kicks are for Trids”.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5YearApril
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
A simple question from my 6 year old son.

A meteorite is a small meteor, right?

Full credit to my son, he will truly make a great dad some day.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/melanthius
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Finland is offering foreign tech workers the chance to relocate to the Nordic country for 90 days to see if they want to make the move permanent.

If they don't, after the 90 days they will finnish being Finnish

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/akodo1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
There was this guy pulling the curtains at the theatre...

He did a good job. Everyone there liked him, but his pay was just too small. One day though, he befriended some guys at the theater and slowling started stealing money from the theater winnings. He quickly made a fortune and quit his job after to live a happy, but ill-gotten life. You could say he just pulled some strings.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/voicpecablu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I stole my girlfriend’s wheelchair, guess who came crawling back.

I hope the people who saw this have a wonderful day!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/N0Tharrold
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
It's my 1-year Reddit anniversary

Getting karma should be easy as cake

Edit: It’s a giant cake day celebration! Happy cake day everyone!!

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Volumed_Coyote_60
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Settle a pun debate

I asked two friends for the best pun Bond would utter if he'd just shoved a bad guy into a huge industrial deep-fat fryer. Their responses were:

Friend #1: "Play with fryer, get burnt.
(Isn't there an old saying of don't play with fire unless you want to get burnt?)"

Friend #2: "Why is my instinct to say cool off there?
Let's assume it's christmas. 'Thats a real Crisped Kringle' is what I'd say
Or do I know the guy's dad? Let's say I do. 'Youre a chip of the old block'"

I know, I need new friends. Do me a favour redditors and please tell me whose pun is least awful? And if you have any better ones, I'm all ears! (Mine was "Thank God it's fry day", I'm sure you can all do better).

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/creaky_thumbs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the sponge wake up early?

To get the moist out of the day.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bakevaren
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I bought some new shoes from my drug dealer today...

I have no idea what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Space_Eaglez
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I love the way the earth rotates.

It really makes my day!

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeSp00kMan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.

That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_CockLord
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Dad: I just put a puzzle together

Dad: I just put a puzzle together. It only took one day. Box says 2 to 4 years

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moiKeshav
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
My first cake day!

I am so excited it’s my first cake day! I know the day is almost over butter late then never!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordBottom69
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report

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