Just for Tonight Puns

I meant tomorrow

a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away

We were there for about 20 minutes before my wife even potted a red.

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stumbles upon this video of an old man, playing the acoustic guitar on his front porch: a beautiful rendition of ‘’Stairway to Heaven’’. Gentle, touching, absolutely gorgeous. The bar owner can’t help but cry. He immediately knows this is the man he wants for his bar, and gets in contact with him.

The musician, over the phone, thank him over and over again for the amazing opportunity. He explains that he’s a retired judge who was pressured to go into law by his parents, over 50 years ago. In his heart, he’s always dreamed of being a musician and to perform in front of a real audience. This is the first time he’ll ever get to do it.

The bar owner is even more touched by his story, and decides to immediately sign him on for 10 night shows. The old judge is over the moon, this is everything he’s ever dreamed of! The two men leave the call, happy and content.

That night, the bar owner hypes all of the regulars, telling them about this amazing new act that they’ll get to see tomorrow. He tells them to bring some friends, bring some family, no one has ever heard music like that before. The patrons are excited and promise to bring everyone they know.

The night arrives, and the old judge gets on stage. The bar is absolutely packed, people give him a standing ovation before he’s even started. Beaming with joy and trying his best not to cry, he calms the audience down. ‘’Thank you, thank you so much, everyone. Thank you to Jim, the owner, for believing in me. I know he loved my cover of ‘Stairway to Heaven’, but tonight, I figured I’d do some original compositions. I hope you like them.’’ He sits down and starts playing.

He slams down on his guitar and lets out a piercing screech. Everyone in the room freezes

For the next half hour, without ever stopping, he plays dozens of discordant chords while yelling incoherent words like ‘’pineapple sauce!’’ and ‘’love and hate are second cousins!’’. He screams then whispers, playing notes that don’t make any sort of reasonable sense.

The audience is stunned. No one dares to say a word. The sweet old man seems so sincere in his rendition, yet it’s just… horrendous.

The owner has a million thoughts racing all at once. How could this h

OP: I’m a fan of the whole little leaf catalog! Love the deep cuts on Live in Romaine; they get right to the heart of it

Wife: Lettuce catalog? What even is this?

OP: And the emotion behind the vocals on “Lettuce Be” are just wilting

OP: Love the guitar solo on “license to Kale” goes off like a Wild Rocket

OP: And when Kravitz joined them in ‘97 for “Arugula go my way”!!! That was just spicy

Other dad: Now you’re just having too much fun

Wife: you are literally going to get hidden with one more

OP: I really am

Wife: Don’t make me leave this chat.

OP: But who would want this fun to endive?

Wife: Last warning, Seriously

(Quick, I need more! I may be sleeping on the couch tonight, but at least I’ll be able to admire our Frisée in the living room)

A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the police are out there checking on people. Tonight, I was at a friend's house for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many Jack Daniels and then went onto the Bailey's. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at my friend's house, and took the bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was on the bus, they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from...

Its Christmas eve and santa claus has forgotten to check the weather before his Christmas run . Just before leaving he asks Mrs claus "what's the weather like for tonight?" "Rain dear" she replies

Lol, on last year's Valentine's day my best friend had got mad at me for not asking my crush out.

We'd planned on going to McDonald's together because he didn't have a date either. When I arrived at McDonald's this f*cker was holding a cardboard box with a terrified look and when he saw me he immediately gave me the box and told me he'd already bought the food and that we better take the bus to my place. I just thought he probably was joking or something because the box didn't even have any kind of decoration, it even had a chips brand printed on it, but as we got to the bus and sat I felt something moving inside, I thought maybe it was a puppy or something, but why did he look scared of it?

So, we get to my house, I go to my backyard, where my then 7yo beagle was and I open the box. I could only see a black blur flying out of it and then heard my best friend scream. It was a rooster. He's terrified of birds. And weirdest of all it was a fully grown rooster but he was super tiny, like 10 inches tall tiny.

I asked him wtf was going on and he just kinda hid behind the backyard door and said "I bought it so that you could get some cock tonight". I always make puns and he hates them, I was speechless. So long story short I now own 6 chickens and 4 roosters (my mom got super mad at him for buying the rooster, but then she got super attached and bought him a chicken, when she laid eggs she let them hatch, the rooster's name is Enrique btw, my mom even made him a birthday party and all last week, lol)

The Duke of Dance: If i don't stop soon, you're really gonna have a bone to pick with me.

The Duke of Dance: I need to stop being such a numbskull.

The Duke of Dance: help.

Sans: I gotta write these down.

The Duke of Dance: I don't have enough backbone to deal with my own shit

The Duke of Dance: but that's tibea expected.

Sans: I find this humerus.

The Duke of Dance: damn

The Duke of Dance: stole my next one.

The Duke of Dance: I'm not fibulaing you when i say, i'm running out of material. I'm really trying to think of more puns here, but i'm patellaing you, i'm out.

Sans: I don't even know this many bone names.

The Duke of Dance: My cranium is empty. i'm running bone-dry here.

The Duke of Dance: But you'r quite sternum in your wanting of these puns.

The Duke of Dance: don't worry, i'll stop temporalily. Not really tho.

The Duke of Dance: I'm taking these puns to the maxilla.

Sans: Can you make a pelvis pun?

The Duke of Dance: Not really. I can't think of any. So no hip hip hooray here.

Sans: That was alright.

The Duke of Dance: Are you having a femury time?

The Duke of Dance: I find myself sacruming to the need to make puns.

The Duke of Dance: helpican'tstop

Sans: I'm having a pun time.

The Duke of Dance: I'm gonna turbinate my puns, cuz i'm on my last leg-bones here.

The Duke of Dance: i'm getting desperate, you can tell.

The Duke of Dance: I didn't name a specific bone.

The Duke of Dance: Which is almost completely mandableitory.

The Duke of Dance: I have made more puns tonight than i have in a LONG time.

The Duke of Dance: Throw me a bone here, have i made enough skeleton puns?

Sans: There will never be enough skeleton puns. Mind makin' a list for me?

The Duke of Dance: Do

The Duke of Dance: Do you want me to write everything i just said down for you?

The Duke of Dance: I'm quivering at the thought of coming up with more skeleton puns.

Sans: I don't see any arrows.

Sans: Don't be a lazy bones, come up with more.

The Duke of Dance: I'll see you later, my vertebrah.

Sans: Have you any backbone?

The Duke of Dance: I already made that one.

The Duke of Dance: :3

Sans: SCREW IT, I'M MAKING ANOTHER

The Duke of Dance: Not so easy coming up with fresh material, is it?

The Duke of Dance: Also, "quiver" is another name for one of your joints.

The Duke of Dance: I'm just really looking at medical sites for this shit.

Sans: CURSE YOU GOOGLE.

The Duke of Dance: it's tibea expected. <Favorite skeleton pun, using it again

Tonight at dinner, she looked at our 13 year old and said "We should make buns for Thanksgiving"

He paused for just a second, then responded "So, that would be mother-son bunding time?"

She sighed.

Happened tonight at a family event.

My brother in law needed to leave early to have dinner with his folks who are notorious for always having some kind of pork for dinner. The rest of the family started joking about if it would be ribs, pork chops, pork tenderloins, etc.

After they stop guessing I make the comment,

Boy all these jokes repeating just feels like Ground Hogs day...

Wife laughed, the in laws groaned. Not sure if I made friends or not 😂

How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.

Where’s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.

An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks “may I join you?”

Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.

I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to ‘back dat ass up’.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

I changed my password to “incorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.

I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn’t have internet.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar

I don't have any children -- but I do have a great dad-joke sense of humor. This happened this weekend, and I'm quite proud just saying it on the spot:

Friend: Do you know who's opening for the concert tonight? Me: No, what time does it start? Friend: I don't know, but the doors open at 8. Me: Oh, I didn't know the doors were still touring.

followed by awkward silence, then a look of anger, and a look of defeat*

Here's a joke my dad told me. Sorry if you've heard it, but I found it hilarious, and I think you might enjoy it.

In a small town in the suburbs, there was a small family of balloons. There was a mummy balloon, a daddy balloon, and a small child balloon. Every night the boy would sleep between his parents, but his father had had enough.

"son, I know you love sleeping between us, but you're getting a bit too old for it., " the father said. "You're nearly 8, you're a big boy, and your mother and I think you should sleep in your own bed from now on. You can stay tonight but starting tomorrow we want you in your own bed. Do you understand?"

"Yeah dad, I understand..." the boy said with a maudlin tinge to his voice.

"okay son, I love you."

"love you too dad"

The next night the boy tried sleeping in his own bed, but there was a storm outside. It was a dark, ominous storm - the kind of storm that sounds like a cataclysm for the end of the world.

The boy was scared, so he went to sleep in his parents room. However when he tried to squeeze between them, he found he didn't fit. He felt defeated. He felt scared. He felt alone.

But then an idea struck him. He decided he'd just let a little bit of air out of his father. He tried to squeeze in again, but had no such luck. So he let a little bit of air out of his mother. He tried again. Still no luck. Finally, he decided to let some air out of himself. Success! He squeezed in tightly and drifted off to sleep.

The next morning his parents were furious. His father was feeling particularly angry, and screamed at his son.

"son, I told you not to sleep in our room. I told you to sleep in your own bed! Didn't I say that Hun?"

"yes dear," the mother said, feeling slightly deflated.

"so son, what do you have to say for yourself?" the father asked in anger.

"it was dark and stormy and..." the boy tried to spit out.

"I don't care son!" the father interrupted. "you can't keep doing this! I'm very disappointed. You've let me down, you've let me down, but worst of all..."

Because they were "cant-elope"!

Just thought of this one tonight having a late-night pregnancy craving for cantaloupe

For as long I can think of, anytime I would take my family out for supper at a restaurant, when our server would bring us the check I would in my best calm and collected demeanor advise our server "Oh table #?? said they were picking this up for us tonight", to which most servers just give a ya right smile or a simple haha nice try sir.

Well on this most recent adventure I see the check coming and get all primed and plot it all out. The server politely slides the check to me, I so graciously put my hand on it and slide it back with my recited lines delivered so perfectly "Oh yes I should have told you sooner that table 16 has offered to pick up the check tonight". Well our server burst out laughing, which to us was a surprise as its not as hilarious as she is now making it. Well when she finally stops laughing enough to talk, she so wonderfully delivers the message, "thats good to know sir - cause your sitting at table 16!"

Jokes on me! But it made for a great night of laugh at dad.

Edit - "demeanor" - where the frick was auto correct on that one. thx Enders!

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

My dad just laid this one on me. Tonight for supper we had a pasta dish with mini pepperonis, cheese, sauce, etc. in it. Normally when my mom makes this she uses regular size pepperoni. I commented how much I liked the meal and she said "I don't know, I kinda like it better with the big pepperoni" to which my dad replies with "I like it better with the little pepperoni, but then again I'm not a big pepperoni fan." A universal sigh was heard around the table.

My friend (L) and I (B) ended up in a pun war. She had to wake up super early to catch a flight, and this was at about one in the morning:

L: I should definitely set my alarm to 'cow' o.O

B: Haha, do it. Nothing like waking up to cows in the 'moo'rning.

L: Oh my gosh. Absolutely not.

B: Hey, but it would be so 'udder'ly hilarious!

L: I just got stabbed to death by a pun.

B: I'm just trying to 'milk' it for all it's worth...

L: If I did that, I'm not sure I'd wake up in a happy 'moo'od.

B: Just drink some 'calf'inated coffee, and you'll be fine.

L: I'd be laughing 'stock' of the town... Cows don't have a sense of humor.

B: Bull!

L: I'll just use my cowculator do determine how much sleep I'm actually going to get tonight...

B: You could wake up a little later, but you'd have to 'hoof' it to the airport.

L: Hope the weather is good, so my plane isn't 'ground'ed 'beef'.

B: That's stretching it... You should make more of an 'heifer't to come up with good puns.

L: I know when I'm getting creamed.

B: It's hard to 'steer' you in the right direction, because you keep changing topics.

L: That's udderly ridiculous. I'm just trying to mooove on.

B: And I just keep churning 'em out...

L: No, you're just spinning your 'veal's.

B: That's one of the best ones I've herd all night!

L: I thought I might've butchered it...

B: PETA might have a beef with you because of it, though...

L: Well done, well done...

B: I don't think they care leather or not you personally slaughtered it, too.

L: See now, I wish you'd stop 'grilling' me about the bad puns... You should 'patty' yourself on the back. I 'dairy' you to come up with more.

B: Well, you can certainly steak a claim for being able to hold your own...

L: I'm a natural 'barn' comedian. However, I really should quit 'yak'king and go to bed. :p

B: Okay, that's not cows... You lose. You 'cud' have done a lot better.

L: The grass is greener on the other side, okay? Also, cows live in barns, and yaks are related to cows.

B: It was still quite a stretch... Don't have a cow about it.

L: Ha anymoo. Goodnight! Also, don't die of mad cow disease.

I work as a server at a large chain restaurant (Applebee's), and got an old man at one of my tables tonight.

Old guy: I'll take a salad, Caesar.

Me: You can just call me Jeff

He grinned for about 10 seconds before chuckling, and I even got his wife and granddaughter laughing with it. Mission accomplished.

So, this just happened last night. My son (11 years old, and a true lover of dad jokes) is not presently speaking to me.

After i just finished cutting an avocado in two... Me: Shall we "halve" some avocado with dinner tonight? Huh? Huh? (Dramatically pointing to the cut produce in Vanna White style.) Son: (Unimpressed). I might take a little. Me: You might? I say you "halve two!" (Again gesturing dramatically to the two halves.) Son: groan That was TERRIBLE... But you score extra points for a double pun. Me: Av-a-cad-o million more where those came from. Mic Drop

This one requires a little backstory:

There's a cardgame called WHOT! It's just uno but with different shapes. Me and my dad used to play it a lot.

Unfortunately it's led to the same terrible joke being made repeatedly over the last 10 years or so. It goes something like this:

Dad: "You'll never guess what film's on tv tonight."

Me: "What?"

Dad: "No, I don't think they made a movie out of that. It's a card game."

It's literally been going on for over a decade now and it pains me deep inside my soul every time he says it.

So, my wife and I decided to move this freestanding shelf thing to our dining area. However, we have wood floors, so pretty much anything that's put there (table, chairs) has to have these felt pads on the bottom so it doesn't scratch up the floor. Even if this won't get moved around much, if at all, I felt better about putting the pads on the bottom of this shelf as well, just in case.

My wife has been bugging me to do it for a while, but you know, laziness. Finally, earlier tonight, I cut the felt sheets to size, stuck them on the shelf, and put it where it belongs. When I was done, I called my wife over. "I'm in bed!" "It'll be quick, I promise!" groan "You don't even have to come downstairs, you can see it from the hallway outside the bedroom door!"

Finally she came out, with a "this had better be good" look on her face. I pointed to the shelf, and proudly declared that "I felt up this rack!"

Worth it.

My 87-year-old grandpa is very hard of hearing and usually takes just a little longer to process thoughts than most people. But he was on top of his game tonight at dinner.

My mom: "Alright, let's say a little grace."

The moment that my mom finished saying the word "grace," my grandpa said, "A little grace."

I guess after being a dad for over 50 years, the jokes come quicker than normal speech. Hopefully, one day I, too, will reach this mastery of the art of dadjoking.

My girlfriend and I went to dinner with my parents tonight and one of the specials was crab wontons. My girlfriend asked the server, "how much is the wonton special?" But just before the server could answer, dad chimes in:

"The wonton special? Oh that's about 2000 pounds. I don't know what the price is though." Followed by a shit eating grin.

Thanks for always being so helpful, dad.

I'm out of bed earler than usual. Wife comes in and we discuss why. She walks away to get ready for work

me "are you gonna make me breakfast?"

> Pfffft. It's leap day, not jump-to-conclusions day.

Anyone else got any once-every-four-years dad jokes? I just wanna wear em out tonight after everyone gets home.

Our newborn was crying for a while tonight and I suggested to my wife that she was having a growth spurt. My wife asked "how long is a growth spurt?" I said, "I don't know, maybe a quarter inch". She just groaned and told our kid that I'm not funny.

I work at a pub and this was after hours when we were cleaning up.

Coworker 1: "Some guy tried to headbutt me tonight because I asked him to move whilst i was mopping"

Coworker 2: "Aha, what a nutter!"

Groans were had.

Not sure if it's just a UK thing, but 'nutting' someone is slang (I think) for headbutting someone.

My mom said she was making Indian food tonight, including naan. I asked if she had all the "naan-essentials." She made an angry noise. "Sorry," I said, "was that a naan-sequitor?"

My dad happened to walk in just then. "Punish him!" my mom said to him.

"What? Why?"

"He keeps making puns!" My dad paused for a moment.

"Sounds like he's the one pun-ishing you."

We were sitting at the dinner table tonight celebrating my father-in-law's (FIL) 66th birthday. My mother-in-law (MIL) made his favorite dinner: meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and creamed corn, but since I hate creamed corn they also made peas.

It happened that everyone at the table except for my MIL took peas, and she decided to comment.

MIL: "Wow, I see just about everyone took peas and not creamed corn!"

FIL: "I took a little bit of both."

Me: "Thank you for giving peas a chance."

My wife sighed and I think it went over MIL's head, but FIL and I exchanged knowing dad glances. Today, I am a dad.

So my wife and I were making some fried chicken wings tonight. So I asked her:

Me: "Did you make these from a recipe?"

Her: "Well I didn't just WING it!"

Me: "Haaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! I see what you did there."

Her: "What?" she thinks for a bit and then just gives me a stare.

Later on in the conversation we're discussing how it's been a long day and wings sound good.

Me: "Wings and Alcohol sound like a great combo for today."

Her: "Well it is FRIday."

Me: "Heyoooooo!!!! Nice one."

Her: she just glares at me

....

I secretly think she's an awesome dad. Either that or my puns are infiltrating every corner of her mind.

A bit of context: my sister just got home tonight from visiting family for new year. One of my cousins that she was visiting is pregnant, and she's been seeing the father for about a year but because they live a 6hour drive away, we've dont really know much about him.

My dad is pretty close with my cousins, so he was asking my sister about the guy and his family.

Dad: So, does he have any brothers or sisters?

My sister: Yeah, he's got a brother.

Dad: Oh, what's his name?

My sister: Mark, I think

Dad: That's a weird name, MarkIthink...

I was talking to my parents tonight while they were getting ready to go out. I asked them what they were up to and where were they going, to which the mother replies, "ah we're just going to the pub for one!". To which my dad butts in and remarks, "We're having two. Fucked if I'm sharing my pint".

...a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

Dad: You going out tonight?

Son: Yeah, just about to change really quick and head out.

Dad:. Hold on, I got something for you!

Son: ...ok...?

Dad: I got some camouflage and blaze orange for you to wear while you're out?

Son: ....?!

Dad: It's for dear hunting!

I was testing my daughter over dinner tonight..

What is an Adjective? I asked.

Daughter: it describes something.

What is a noun?

Daughter: A person, place, or thing.

What is a pronoun?

Daughter:.... I don't remember...

Me: "It's a person, place, or thing that does that for a living."

My wife actually laughed out loud at this one! first time she's ever laughed at a dad joke! Once I explained it my daughter just groaned in agony. I'm so proud... of myself!

I'm not even five minutes through the door...

Housemate: "What you thinking for dinner tonight?" Me: "I feel like pizza." Housemate: "That's funny, you don't look like pizza."

I feel he's training just in case he finds somebody stupid enough to let him father a child.

Was at CostCo (big box store) with the wife.

Wife: "Since there's only two of us tonight, I thought I'd by a rack of lamb for dinner. That way we can each have half of a rack."

Me (with no hesitation): "Just like ISIS."

Wife: :|

Me: :D

As I was about to leave for work:

Girlfriend: I may get off a little earlier tonight.

Me: Well doesn't that depend on when you get off work?

Girlfriend: You're so lame.

Me: patting my leg I walk just fine.

With a wink and a smirk, I walked out the door.

So I just got a huge eyeroll for this one. Making use of leftover snacks from new year's eve we decided on nachos for dinner tonight. I used so much cheese that I walked over to her as I put them in the oven and said "I hope you like your nachos like you like your boyfriends," then looked her dead in the eye when she turned to me and said "extra cheesy."

I went on vacation in highschool with one of my good friends and his Dad and another friend, who is basically the coolest fucking guy you'll ever meet (We call him Cool Daddy Mike). Its not so much a dad joke, more just a fucked up joke my friend's Dad told me, but on our way down to Florida from Ohio, we stopped halfway there to stay in a hotel and finish the drive the next day. Since it was just 4 of us for 1 night we only got one room with 2 king sized beds. When we got to the room his dad looked at me and said "If you woke up one morning with a condom hanging out of your ass, would you tell anyone?" I of course said no I would not. He then said "Well alright looks like we are sharing a bed tonight" and points two finger guns at me. It may seem fucked up but if you knew his dad like we all did, you would have died laughing with us. (Just to clarify I did not get sexually assaulted in my sleep by my friend's dad)

While out at our anniversary dinner tonight, my wife and I were trying a Halibut plate that had a lot of things neither of us had ever tried before, a lot of which looked rather strange. Just as we were getting ready to start eating she says, "I'm just gonna do it for the halibut."

It's not a joke, and for now I'm calling it the "dad switcharoo." My dad would do this all the time. Here's my example:

My younger son does this funny thing with his eyes. I made him do it tonight at the dinner table real quick. Then my older son (WHO EATS NOTHING) said, "Dad I can do the eye trick that $youngerson does." Then I says to him I says, "You need to do the eating trick that $youngerson is doing."

Is there a better name for this? My dad would do things like:

Me (trying to stall before bed): "I'm just reading this real quick."
Dad: "Well read yourself into bed real quick, we have to wake up early tomorrow."

and so forth.