“Just say no to drugs!”
Well if I’m talking to drugs, I’ve probably already said yes.
We got a new microwave at work. After heating my food for the first time in the new microwave I go to my colleagues and say to them "I just cut my fingers on the new microwave!"
They all startled "what happened?"
I reply "it's Sharp!"
They murmured something and left the room...
My dad's not allowed to speak Japanese, let alone teach the language. But there's nothing that says he can't teach Japanese cooking and geography. So far, I just learned the cooking tools and the location of the country.
This is Japan, this is ja-spatula, this is ja-whisk, this is ja-wok, this is ja-mixer, this is ja-fork, this is ja-spoon, and these are ja-chopsticks.
Barbie and Ken are continually arguing over who will empty the dishwasher. One day, Ken says "Barbie, I've unloaded the dishwasher every day this week.. can you PLEASE do it just this once?"
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
Just wanna say im a huge fan
They say the cost to build Yankee Stadium was just over $2 billion
But that's just a ballpark figure
Just happened. My kids are running around blowing a party noise marker. My wife's sister says " it sounds like an elephant in there"
I look up, straight faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.."
My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.
EDIT: I showed my wife how many ppl thought this was funny and she told me to say "please don't encourage him" .. :)
I just saw Tenet and I have to say
I’ve never wanted to watch a movie in rewind before.
What did Donald Trumps bodyguard say just before someone sneezed in his face?
Mine would just say "I'm glad you enjoyed my free Willy and we had a whale of a time, but we need to sea otter whales."
I could never accept a two-year sentence. I just don’t have that much to say.
I just printed a bunch of pamphlets on how to avoid conflicts and not say the wrong thing.
On my death bed I’l request to be moved to a tub full of pees just before I die so people can say ‘may he rest in pees’
I just wanna say Something funny
My 10 year old daughter just told me this one. "What did the green grape say to the purple grape?"
"Breathe you idiot, BREATHE!"
I've never been so proud.
I think it’s so important to keep speeches short and meaningful, I just stand up and say plethora
Ok acupuncture skeptics. You can say it’s fake. You can say it’s just a placebo. You can say it’s a scam. BUT...
You can’t say it’s pointless
Two friends are having a conversation. "My wife has just gone on vacation in the Carribbean" say's one. "Jamaica?" replies the other.
What does a cannibal say to a person he just met?
Nice to meat you
(and then he eats you, in the flesh of an eye)
Just wanted to say how much I love telling dad jokes
Unfortunately though he never laughs
have you guys ever wanted to have sex with a journalist just to say "this just in"?
I just got off the phone with a professor in China. He says it's not worth getting Covid-19
As they are expecting to release Covid-20 Pro in September.
Some say Chivalry is dead, but I think it’s just sleeping...
...On account of all the good knights.
It really annoys me when people say that age is just a number
Guy walks up to the widow at her husband's funeral and says, “May I just say one word?”
“Sure,” she replies.
“Plethora,” the guys says.
The widow says, “Thanks. That means a lot.”
At Bob's retirement party the Director stands up and says "I'd just like to say a word about Bob", clears his throat and then says, "plethora",
Bob turns to him and says, "thank you, that means a lot".
My friend walked up quietly and said, "hi Thomas." Then I heard a whiny voice say "hiii Thommasss." "Did you just make fun of yourself saying hi?" I asked my friend.
"Oh no," he replied. "That's my shoes... I'm wearing mockasins."
Just figured out what people mean when they say “I... just... can’t”
The proper ending is “finish this sentence”
If someone says they have a mean headache, isn't it just an average one?
i just learn that sorry is improper grammar and that the correct way to say it is i'm sorry
My son identifies as a crescent moon. I’m worried, but my wife says it’s just a phase.
What did the widow who just buried her fourth husband say?
Another male in the coffin.
I just checked my body mass index. It says I'm a beast
Tech reviewers are just waiting for Samsung to release a mediocre new Note device just to say "It's not noteworthy"
I’d say it’s just over a foot
Dad walks in tell me (who just started dreading having to shave) and says: I too didn't like my beard at first.
Then it grew on me. finger guns
Is it just me or did Kleenex miss a huge opportunity to say “Sneeze This Moment”?
What do you say to a British person who has just injured himself?
My financial advisor just told me, “I’m sorry to say, but all of your assets are Frozen.”
..”Why did you buy so many DVDs of the same movie?”
Since vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don’t just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why there are so many vampires from Europe...
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.
I'm tired of hearing people say that age is just a number
When it's clearly a word!
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