Just ordered a 12” wide console table to go by our entryway door.

My daughter says it will be very soothing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WOTrULookingAt
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.

https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedLeader11037
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.

Turns out he was full of shit.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fightswithbears
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!

I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arctikavanian
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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People ask me why I don’t go out much anymore, but I tell them it’s because I just bought a pet cow.

I have been milking that excuse for weeks now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My son just told me his first dad joke. He's 8, so go easy.

Son: what did the fig say to the table?

Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table?

Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.

Edit: thanks for the silver, I'll tell the boy in the morning!

Edit 2: explained to my son about the up votes and awards. When he heard that someone spent real money to congratulate him for the joke, he said he bets it was his grandparents. He's excited y'all enjoyed it.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RicoCat
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Just kill and don’t go vegan
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AMswag123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I just went to go visit my late grandmother buried in the cemetery, but when I went there I found her dancing!

It was quite the Plot Twist

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nickycthatsme
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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When I go for a walk with my best friend, he can’t help but stop and pet every animal he sees. He just thinks they’re so adorable!

He has awwtism.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pippingigi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A family was out hunting and the mother said it was time to go. The father replied, I’ll be right there, let me just...

shoulder this bird, hun.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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My son just told me he was gonna go get a shower.

I said β€œSon, that smells like a great idea.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wcollins260
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Just got back from riding some go karts with my son.

We had a wheely good time.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gregory-De-mayo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a reptilian detective that wears a sleeveless shirt that just can't let something go?

An InVESTed Gator

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
He just couldn’t let go
πŸ‘︎ 142
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
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Just make sure to go slow
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lostcoastline44
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Just PowerPoint me in the direction you want to go and I will Excel at getting us there.

You have my Word

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thornkale
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Just let it go
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MelanieLN
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
🚨︎ report
4 year old just told me this one: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because he felt crummy.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine just got her wisdom teeth taken out but still wants to go to a party tonight
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πŸ‘€︎ u/j1mmyb01
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I don't know if it's just me or the new decorations, but every time I go to the bathroom...

I lose my shit.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlueBasketBall
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Seems like reposting has become pretty popular here, so I'm just gonna go for it

My yard looks so much better now that I've finally fixed that fence

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucky5150
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I read that Russia opposes Israel's annexation of parts of the West Bank, well Putin can just go Crimea river
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tacojohn48
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Honey, our relationship can't go on if you just close yourself into a shell.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hpar1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
🚨︎ report
This preacher had just died and is in line to go to heaven.

He says to the guy in front of him, β€œHey, what did you do in your life?” The guy says, β€œI was a bus driver. I was a bad person. I wasn’t nice to people, I stole, and I always broke the law.” The preacher says, β€œI was a preacher. I always went to church and gave the best and longest sermons. I always prayed and read the Bible.” Finally, it’s the bus driver’s turn to tell God about his life. A few minutes later, he walks into heaven. The preacher walks up to God. God says, β€œWhat kind of things did you do in your life?” β€œWell, I went to church and gave great sermons. Do I get to go to heaven?” β€œI don’t know,” says God. β€œWhat? How come that dumb bus driver got to go to heaven?” God says, β€œWhen you gave your sermons, everyone fell asleep. But every time the bus driver was driving, there was at least one person on the bus who was praying.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leoninator123
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Just let it go... the money never came from you anyway
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JGesick
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
🚨︎ report
My son gets really excited when we go to the natural history museum. When he gets near the prehistoric bones, he just explodes with excitement and I can't deal with is new strength.

I'm just not qualified to handle his dino-might.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/leniski1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Daughter just asked, "Dad, do you know what you would be if you tried to go to the north pole right now?"

An ice pop.

The dad joke is strong with this 8 year old.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Baikal2002
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
🚨︎ report
If you’re ever cold, just go stand in the corner.

It’s always 90 degrees there.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Malminas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.

While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Every time we go past a railroad crossing, I always tell my kids, "Hey, a train just went by!" They grudgingly ask, β€œHow do you know daddy?”

β€œBecause its tracks are still here!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Do you have to go to school to drive a train? or do they just TRAIN you on the job?
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chuckycheesefiend
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
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We were driving across state over the holidays and my 4 year old tells us she has to pee. We just happened to be almost to an exit with several gas stations to take her. I proudly proclaimed β€˜Urine luck! There are plenty of places to go at this exit!’ Sadly, I only got an eye roll from my wife.
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beergelden
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Someone just asked the bus driver "Hey do you go by the High School?"

He said "No I go by Dave"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TenFlyingBricks
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend just decided to go and be a vegetarian

It's like I never knew herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/m_aurelius
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2015
🚨︎ report
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, β€œWe can’t, we’re adders.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Every balloon store i go to tells me that my balloons are just going to fly away and i’m sick of it!

I just want a regular balloon, no strings attached!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pocoparker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
So I just got my wife with this one... She asked to go to Victoria's Secret to buy some new underwear... She complained that her favorite pairs had holes in them...

I said "of course they have holes in them, how else are you supposed to get your legs through?"

I could feel the eye roll from across the room

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
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A barber just told me I should go for a business in the front, party in the back style....

.....I told him I'd mullet over....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ultra-saurus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2017
🚨︎ report
My six-year-old daughter just delighted me with a completely original pun: What do you call it when you have to go inside at the end of the day?

Funset!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bold0perator
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2015
🚨︎ report
Wife: Just heard the mail truck go by

Me: Did you just assume it’s gender?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bismuth482
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
🚨︎ report
I just bought an expensive car, only to find it won’t go in reverse.

There's no going back now.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_snipeypants
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
🚨︎ report
11 years ago my mother decided to go back and finish school. She earned her bachelors, masters, and just got her PhD. She asked if I was proud of her

"What's with the third degree?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pzl
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2017
🚨︎ report
Found this gem on a Polar Adventure website - Oh Just let it go!

https://preview.redd.it/lbq37y164cd11.jpg?width=760&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7cc72b4d1bdd0123eaae2b32aa2627956ebb9bcb

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strange_An0maly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
🚨︎ report
Told my dad I was going to go jump in the shower real quick. He just looked me in the eye and said, "No. Jumping in the shower is unsafe."
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mayhakc
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2015
🚨︎ report
Atheles spend so much time just to get the opportunity to go to the olympics but,

They could just buy a ticket

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Denz0-m0
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a reptilian detective that wears sleeveless shirts and just can't let something go?

An InVestedGator

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report
If your ever cold just go in a corner

Because its 90Β°

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/airnomad64
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report

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