Just ordered a 12” wide console table to go by our entryway door.
My daughter says it will be very soothing.
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of shit.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
People ask me why I don’t go out much anymore, but I tell them it’s because I just bought a pet cow.
I have been milking that excuse for weeks now.
My son just told me his first dad joke. He's 8, so go easy.
Son: what did the fig say to the table?
Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table?
Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.
Edit: thanks for the silver, I'll tell the boy in the morning!
Edit 2: explained to my son about the up votes and awards. When he heard that someone spent real money to congratulate him for the joke, he said he bets it was his grandparents. He's excited y'all enjoyed it.
Just kill and don’t go vegan
I just went to go visit my late grandmother buried in the cemetery, but when I went there I found her dancing!
It was quite the Plot Twist
When I go for a walk with my best friend, he can’t help but stop and pet every animal he sees. He just thinks they’re so adorable!
A family was out hunting and the mother said it was time to go. The father replied, I’ll be right there, let me just...
My son just told me he was gonna go get a shower.
I said “Son, that smells like a great idea.”
Just got back from riding some go karts with my son.
We had a wheely good time.
What do you call a reptilian detective that wears a sleeveless shirt that just can't let something go?
Just make sure to go slow
Just PowerPoint me in the direction you want to go and I will Excel at getting us there.
4 year old just told me this one: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
A friend of mine just got her wisdom teeth taken out but still wants to go to a party tonight
I don't know if it's just me or the new decorations, but every time I go to the bathroom...
Seems like reposting has become pretty popular here, so I'm just gonna go for it
My yard looks so much better now that I've finally fixed that fence
I read that Russia opposes Israel's annexation of parts of the West Bank, well Putin can just go Crimea river
Honey, our relationship can't go on if you just close yourself into a shell.
This preacher had just died and is in line to go to heaven.
He says to the guy in front of him, “Hey, what did you do in your life?”
The guy says, “I was a bus driver. I was a bad person. I wasn’t nice to people, I stole, and I always broke the law.”
The preacher says, “I was a preacher. I always went to church and gave the best and longest sermons. I always prayed and read the Bible.”
Finally, it’s the bus driver’s turn to tell God about his life. A few minutes later, he walks into heaven.
The preacher walks up to God.
God says, “What kind of things did you do in your life?”
“Well, I went to church and gave great sermons. Do I get to go to heaven?”
“I don’t know,” says God.
“What? How come that dumb bus driver got to go to heaven?”
God says, “When you gave your sermons, everyone fell asleep. But every time the bus driver was driving, there was at least one person on the bus who was praying.”
Just let it go... the money never came from you anyway
My son gets really excited when we go to the natural history museum. When he gets near the prehistoric bones, he just explodes with excitement and I can't deal with is new strength.
I'm just not qualified to handle his dino-might.
Daughter just asked, "Dad, do you know what you would be if you tried to go to the north pole right now?"
An ice pop.
The dad joke is strong with this 8 year old.
If you’re ever cold, just go stand in the corner.
It’s always 90 degrees there.
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
Every time we go past a railroad crossing, I always tell my kids, "Hey, a train just went by!" They grudgingly ask, “How do you know daddy?”
“Because its tracks are still here!”
Do you have to go to school to drive a train? or do they just TRAIN you on the job?
We were driving across state over the holidays and my 4 year old tells us she has to pee. We just happened to be almost to an exit with several gas stations to take her. I proudly proclaimed ‘Urine luck! There are plenty of places to go at this exit!’ Sadly, I only got an eye roll from my wife.
Someone just asked the bus driver "Hey do you go by the High School?"
He said "No I go by Dave"
My girlfriend just decided to go and be a vegetarian
It's like I never knew herbivore.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
Every balloon store i go to tells me that my balloons are just going to fly away and i’m sick of it!
I just want a regular balloon, no strings attached!
So I just got my wife with this one... She asked to go to Victoria's Secret to buy some new underwear... She complained that her favorite pairs had holes in them...
I said "of course they have holes in them, how else are you supposed to get your legs through?"
I could feel the eye roll from across the room
A barber just told me I should go for a business in the front, party in the back style....
.....I told him I'd mullet over....
My six-year-old daughter just delighted me with a completely original pun: What do you call it when you have to go inside at the end of the day?
Wife: Just heard the mail truck go by
Me: Did you just assume it’s gender?
I just bought an expensive car, only to find it won’t go in reverse.
There's no going back now.
11 years ago my mother decided to go back and finish school. She earned her bachelors, masters, and just got her PhD. She asked if I was proud of her
"What's with the third degree?"
Found this gem on a Polar Adventure website - Oh Just let it go!
https://preview.redd.it/lbq37y164cd11.jpg?width=760&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7cc72b4d1bdd0123eaae2b32aa2627956ebb9bcb
Told my dad I was going to go jump in the shower real quick. He just looked me in the eye and said, "No. Jumping in the shower is unsafe."
Atheles spend so much time just to get the opportunity to go to the olympics but,
They could just buy a ticket
What do you call a reptilian detective that wears sleeveless shirts and just can't let something go?
If your ever cold just go in a corner
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