Told this to my wife today

Me: What does Ronald McDonald do when he's angry?

Her: (sigh) What??

Me: He McGrrrrs

Her: (groan) please stop......

Me: Does that make you Grimace? (Chuckles)

Her: swift elbow to my ribs You tell me! * Sticks tongue out*

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cneuf802
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Amazon has come up with a new service where they deliver custom made suits to your house in 48 hours.

It’s called Tailor Swift.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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The wife's mother was taken ill...

So I swiftly rushed off to find a pen and paper to write for an ambulance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mex5150
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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What does the creator of flex tape run in?

Flex shoes; they make him go Phil Swift!

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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Pun pet names.

Pets I want to have....

An otter name Harry Otter. A snake named Severus Snake. A tortoise named Voldetort. A chicken named Kylo Hen. A dog named Barkamedes. A deer named David Hasselhoof. A turkey named Green Gobbleen. A cat named Captain Ameowrica. A stork named Tony Stork. A pig named Peter Porker. A crocodile named Croctor Strange. A duck named Ducktor Doom. A squid named Abraham Inkin. A goose named Ryan Gooseling. A heron named Charlize Heron. A goat named Selena Goatmez An alpaca named Alpacachino. A carp name Leonardo Di’Carprio. A tuna named Tuna Turner. A horse named Neighlor Swift. A toad named Demi Lavatoad. A Rhino named Ryan Rhinolds. A swan named Swan Jovi. A Falcon named Jimmy Falcon. A ferret named Ferret Faucet. A rabbit named Hoptimus Prime. A cow named Moolissa McCarthy. A crow named Seth Crowgan. A fox named Charlie Fox. A cat named Katy Purry. A wolf named Howly Berry. A hamster named Scarlet Johamster. A parrot named Squakin Phoenix. A duck named DuckleBerry Finn. A canary named Jim Canary. A swarm of bees, all named BeeyoncΓ©. A sheep named Meryl Sheep. An elk named Elkton John. A bear named Teddy Mercury. A ram named Gordon RAMsey. A shark named Fin Diesel. A jellyfish named Jelly Clarkson. An Iguana named Eddie Lizard. A hyena named Hyena Bonham Carter. A penguin named Robird Downey Jr.

a ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clixer712
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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Which celebrity makes their own clothes?

Tailor Swift

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ozantac
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What was the person who made clothes as an occupation's favorite musician?

Tailor Swift

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ResidentReward
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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I got a custom made suit the other day in less than an hour.

The man who made it was Tailor Swift

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HuckingFigh90
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
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Taylor Swift could further increase her revenue by opening an express alterations shop

and calling it Tailor Swift

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timeexterminator
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
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Did you hear the one about the cannibal mermaid?

She would behead other unsuspecting merfolk and toss their gills and necks into hot water, which she would gleefully drink. Luckily, justice was swift, and the courts quickly found her gill-tea.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doty152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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I'm going to open a clothing alteration shop that focuses on doing all jobs within an hour.

It will be called, Tailor Swift.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2016
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True story only the names have been changed to protect the sassy 3yo.

Miss3: mummy I want shake shake song (Taylor Swift - shake it off.

Mummy: and mummy wants her breakfast first miss3.

Miss3: and I want a million dollars mummy.

Cheeky little madam!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DannyGere
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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What do you call a person who makes clothings really fast?

Tailor Swift

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thanhjas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2016
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My best work so far.

At work, there was a metal catering tray filled to the brim with cold water sittin' around for no reason so I asked the receptionist/coworker, who has said repeatedly that she just can't stand me, if I should dump it. She looked at me, smiled and said "If you can." I responded "without spilling it?" In a 'of course I'm not going to spill but dont rule it out' way. She said "Yes." Silently giving me good luck. Fortunately, I done did the deed and no brand new flooring was harmed. I then proceeded to google water jokes. After that, I walked up to her desk, glanced into her soul for the slightest moment while greeting, "Hey Sarah" , then I swiftly looked downwards as she asked, "Yeah?" I THEN told her this, "I don't know about you but unlike that cold water I just dumped". I pause, regain eye contact and finished with, "boiling water will be mist."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dafuq0_0
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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What kind of dressmaker does Taylor Swift use when in a hurry?

A swift tailor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucidus_somniorum
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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why was the seamstress so good at her job?

she tailored swift.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
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What do you call instant potatoes that can sing?

Tator Swift

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaika22
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2018
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I need a pair of trousers altered in a hurry.

Does anyone know how I can get hold of Taylor Swift?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm a street performer at the Minnesota Renaissance Festival. I tell punny jokes there, thought you'd enjoy them.

The King is in love with the Spanish Armada, in fact you could say he warships it.

I got into a fight with a group of jesters, I escaped by going for the juggler.

I recently read "Gulliver's Travels" it was a Swift read.

Have you read the book about traveling through hell? It's a Dante-ing read.

Q: How many animals can you fight into the Lord High Sheriff's tights? A: Ten piggies, two calves, a rooster and an ass.

Vikings raided the royal cheese supply, they left nothing behind but de Brie.

I met a wizard, I told him he looked like a mana action.

The unskilled mason forget to put a water supply in the new castle. He did not keep well.

The angry archer was so surly he had everyone convinced he was a cross bowman.

The failed stone cutter also lost his job as a bounty hunter. He could never find his quarry.

The nun kept spilling sacramental wine on herself. She made a bad habit of it.

The pope enjoys chocolate on his boat. He like sailing indulgences.

The pope loves summer, they say he is infallible.

Two fae fell in love. They keep fauning over each other.

The knight suffered from boils, he had to get them lanced.

Why did the wood nymph use some much lotion? Because she had dryad skin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kbdekker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2016
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What's the difference between an argument with seamen and a popular female musician?

One's a sailors' tiff, the other's a Taylor Swift.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Torley_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2018
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What do you call a cute deer?

A-doe-rable!

Alternatively: What do you call a baby Homer Simpson? A-doh-rable!

Another one: What do you call a baby door? A-door-able!

The puns work best if you use all three in swift succession :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chelseadaggered
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2016
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I want to make a procedural music generator with a custom scripting language.

Think I could tailor Swift?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KelvinShadewing
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2017
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Steak and Shrimp

Late at night is a terrible time to show succulent steak and shrimp advertisements, especially when you are on a diet. As one came on the TV, I swiftly turned it off.

β€œWhat are you doing?!” My wife asked.

β€œWe shouldn’t watch that. It’s prawn-ography.”

😏

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coastin32
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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Nurse comes in

And says "I'm going to check and see how far along you are," but was referring to my wife's contractions.

With the swiftness of a galloping cheetah, I say "can confirm she's 9 months pregnant, no need to check."

Wife: "Jesus..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hiimfatgirl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
🚨︎ report
24 Feb 2017, Revised Rules and meta-state of /r/puns

Hello ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

I've been very busy with personal stuff for the past few weeks, so I've let this subreddit drift unattended. Reading some of the reports and comments after coming back makes me realize that my absence led to some unwanted events happening!


Let's start with the fun stuff: We now have a new fancy rulebook! If you suspect a post of breaking these rules, feel free to report it in the relevant category, or use (8) other if you suspect it to slip through the cracks of one of the other rules.

Secondly, as of right now, we do not have an explicit rule forbidding inflammatory subjects like race, politics, etc, as the rest of reddit seems to be melting down, but so far we remain unscathed. I wish to let you all crack puns like adults without having to put on training wheels, but if any of the above subjects become a problem then I will swiftly revisit this. Consider this a privilege, not a right, and do try to avoid abusing it! Piggybacking off this, any post that is more 'lewd' than PG should be NSFW tagged. If it is inappropriate for an office setting, I will manually NSFW it, and repeat offenders will have consequences.

Third, you can now request puns! start a self post with [request] and put in whatever information is necessary, such as "[request] puns about clocks".


I'll keep this post stickied for about a week or so, to keep it as a nice feedback net, and we can adjust rules, add/delete/modify them as needed, to keep our subreddit of lovely puns in peak condition!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KetoSaiba
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2017
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There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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My brother told me he didn’t like puns.

He was swiftly punished.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisuglymug
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2018
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Most literal dad joke

So I'm in the car with my girlfriend and her family. (Mind you I am 17 but a dad joke king) I was still getting to know her dad and a bit scared of him still. He's a nice guy but I hadn't bonded with him much yet, so I jumped on the opportunity to make a dad joke. (I don't remember what it was exactly) And he loved it and laughed pretty hard. At this point, my girlfriend turns to me and says,"He loved that! Keep saying dad jokes!"

I looked her in the eyes for a couple seconds and she seemed confused until I slowly repeat,"Dad jokes. Dad jokes. Dad jokes." This earned me a swift punch to the shoulder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kemp2288
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2017
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Got dad joked by my SO

I was browsing this sub and my girlfriend walks in the room. She promptly asks me what I'm doing and I say reddit. She swiftly follows up with a 'then why are you reading it'. Ughhh

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeBojangle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2014
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Got my girlfriend with the same joke twice.

So last night we were at a carnival type thing and there was a food truck there called "town name Bite Me" where we ordered some pizza.

Anyway, I pretended I couldn't see the sign and asked her what it said. She just responded with "Bite me", so that is exactly what I did. I was awarded a couple of weird looks and a colossal eye roll.

Cut to this morning: I got up to find my better half talking to my mum. She was eating some leftover pizza while I walked up behind her, unnoticed. Mum asked where we got the pizza. Once again, she replied "bite me" so like a lion I went for the kill. I got dealt some swift justice for that one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alk47
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2015
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who can repair my trousers' zip quickly?

Taylor Swift

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πŸ‘€︎ u/one_moment_please
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2016
🚨︎ report
Taylor was in a new relationship pretty quick after her last one

I guess you could say that was some Swift work.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thejazz97
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2016
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I'm going to open a department store that caters to female pop singers.

It's going to be called, "Lorde and Taylor Swift". Seeking investors.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2016
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My mom and I were talking about my two friends, Taylor and Taylor...

I was talking about their wedding last August. Apparently, it was the first time my dad heard me talk about them (or at least paid attention).

Dad: If you say Taylor and Taylor real quick, does that make it... sly grin ...Taylor Swift?

Mom and I: OH MY GOD.

Dad: You called?

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShellzNCheez
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2015
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I'm going to start a store that provides rapid clothing alterations

I'll call it "Tailor Swift"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SmellsLikeASteak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad asked me about the new Taylor Swift album...

Dad: "Have you heard the new Taylor Swift album?"

Me: "1989? Yeah."

Dad: "Oh no, it was much more recent than that."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/monkeycookie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2015
🚨︎ report
My Taylor Swift dad joke

I'm a dad. I came up with this one yesterday.

"I thought Taylor Swift was a same-day hemming service"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Terpene
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2014
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Amazon has started a new service where you will get custom made shirts delivered within 48 hours.

It’s called Tailor Swift.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Amazon is starting a new service where they deliver custom made shirts to your door within 48 hours.

They are calling it Tailor Swift.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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TIL: Amazon has come out with a new service where they will deliver custom fitted shirts to your home within 48 hours.

It’s called Tailor Swift.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Amazon has come up with a new service where they will deliver custom made shirts within 48 hours of ordering.

It’s called Tailor Swift.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2018
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What do you call a fast tailor?

Tailor Swift

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wartubas
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
🚨︎ report

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