I said to my daughter, ”It’s time for bed, the cows are asleep in the field”. She asked ”what’s that got to do with anything’?
I said “It’s pasture bedtime”.
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
In my free time, I like to help blind people.
My time in the Boy Scouts really made me a supporter of gay marriage
It’s where I learned you can tie the knot in different ways
My sister in law told me a time traveling joke I was gonna share with ya all..
My boss asked me, "Why do you come out in rashes every time I give you your wages ?"
I said, "Because I am allergic to peanuts."
I tried to quell a disagreement between me and my girlfriend in the shopping mall. But by the time we got to the second level we were shouting at each other.
In retrospect we shouldn’t have been on that escalator.
Due to the Covid crisis, the Indian bakery in my neighborhood is going through some tough times.
They fired all Naan essential staff.
Next time this will be my order in bar for this year
My first time doing puns in real life. Ik it's horrible
So today, I had a conversation with my friend while walking home from school. At one point my lace untied and he pointed that out to me while we were walking past a 7eleven. I am horrible at making puns so forgive me. I shall call him J
J: You u should tie up your shoes
Me(pointing to the lays packet in the store): I can't be bothered tying my shoe-lays
J: You should stop spread them all around the "play-se" (place)
Me: Well maybe you should stop lay-zing around and actually study(he couldn't reply to that cuz all he does is lay-ing around aimlessly. Haha! See what I did there!)
Conversation deviates
Me: come follow me to Cheers let's look for a giftcard
J: nah
Me: get your lay-z ass over to cheers u ungrateful bitch! u make my life lays miserables
My dad made his first dad joke in a long time
For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max
During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said “well then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.”
I reply, “well what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens.
And without hesitation my dad replies, “well he can’t lay eggs”
I like to race electric cars in my free time.
One time in my anatomy class, we dissected a sheep brain and I have to admit, I felt a bit sheepish about it.
Sorry, that was just a ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-d joke.
My horoscope said my heart would be broken in 12 years time.
So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up !
I was reminded of the time’s when I was a child the other day. My dad is to stick us in tires and roll us down the hills in the back yard....
Those were the GOODYEARS.
My son had a rough time at little league practice - after striking out three times, he lost interest and wouldn’t stop smelling the dandelions in the outfield, getting one stuck in his nose.
I told my wife I was going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order. She said "Where would you find the time ?"
I said, "Easy, right next to the sage"
Yesterday I had a 10-point, an 8-point, and a 4-point buck in my yard at the same time.
When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time...
When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didn’t laugh at any of them. Nevertheless I’ve persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today she’s in labor with our fourth and I’ve finally got her laughing...
I think I’ve really improved the delivery!
I've been to visit my grandmother's grave three times this week and each time someone has mysteriously covered it in gravy granules.
My brother, the pro baseball pitcher, told me about the time he intentionally walked every player on the opposing team as a protest against unfairness in life...
That took a lot of balls.
Every time I visit my Dad in St. Louis, he walks into the room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong...
His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."
My friend used to get so nervous that he peed his pants every time he had to stand up in his third grade class.
Finally he quit his job as a teacher.
I write my name in cursive all the time -
An old woman goes to see the doctor. "I'm very gassy, but fortunately my farts are quiet and don't smell. In fact, I've farted three times since you came in, but know you haven't noticed at all."
The doc nods his head, gives her some pills and tells her to come back in a week.
A week later, the old woman comes back and is very upset. "I'm still very gassy, but now my farts are really loud and smell like a porta-potty at a chili festival!"
The doc says "Well now that we've cleared up your hearing and sense of smell, we can do something about your gas!"
The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,
I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.
Things have been a bit tense with my wife, with both of us stuck in quarantine all the time. We even had an argument about herbs the other day.
To be honest, it was about thyme.
I had a hard time figuring out how to turn on the lights in my new apartment.
My drunk friend was kicked out of Karaoke for singing “Danger Zone” 7 times in a row.
He had exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.
I went shopping in two different stores today for alcohol and, both times, was asked to remove my sunglasses.
I guess I must've looked shady.
[Based on a true story!]
Long time dad first time poster in need of some help from my fellow dad's in here. What is Snoop Dogg fishing for?
Fishizzle!
Here is what i need help with. I seen a some fishing gear with the name "fishizzle" and lighting struck! Has anyone heard this one before? Did I just make a OC dad joke? If so Is it "dad joke" worthy? I really hope so becuase I just sent this to my daughter.
Thanks in advance.
My son was making breakfast for the first time and he distraughtly asked me, "How do you stop the sausages from curling in the pan?!" I smiled and advised…
"Well son, just take away their little brooms."
I’ve started growing herbs in my garden. To help identify them i’m growing them in alphabetical order. My neighbour asked me, how you find the time. I said, easy, it’s right here next to the sage.
I’ve seen many causes come and go in my time, but I never joined any of them.
But when I saw a conga line, I said “Now that’s a movement I can get behind!”
A guy starts working at a submarine. In the first day he works as a cleaner, then helps at the kitchen. Next day he runs the ship. In the evening he’s absolutely exhausted so he asks his friend “Why I have to change my position every time?”
He replies “I know, this sub is full of reposts”
Every time I get turned on a dvd appears in my underwear
Turns out I have erectile disc function
My first time in an elevator was a very uplifting experience
The second time let me down
I rolled a joint for the first time in my life.
The doctor says it’ll be a few weeks until I can use my ankle again.
I used to own 3 ski lodges, one in the Alps, one in Aspen and one in France. When I got divorced the first 2 times, my exes each got a lodge as part of the settlement. The third marriage, I decided I needed a prenuptial agreement to cover my assets. It was all I could do!
It's my last resort!
Edit: changed "it was" to "it's"
I stood up in the middle of a meeting to fix the time on the clock. My boss told me sit down and do it later. I said...
“I guess it’s probably the wrong time.”
I started eating clocks in my free time
It is a time consuming hobby.
I was in a cab one time and got curious. I asked the cabbie if he liked his job. He said, “Oh sure. I’m out of the house, away from my nagging wife and I don’t have anyone telling me what to do.”
I told him, “Turn right at the next corner.”
The only time I got anything for Valentine's Day was in 3rd grade where my teacher gave me a Slim Jim.
I spent Valentine's Day eating my meat.
My dad passed away last year because my family didn't know blood type in time for the doctors to do a transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying "be positive" but it's hard without him.
Every time the doorbell rings, my dog runs and stands in the corner.
I just rolled a joint for the first time in my life.
The doctor says it’ll be a few weeks before I can use my ankle again.
Every time I visit my dad in St. Louis, he will walk into a room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong.
His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
