My Dad and I were arguing on the phone about how I’m not careful and need to invest in a better home security system.

He told me how there’s been an increase in crime in our neighborhood and he was going to come over and tell me how poor my security system is.

I told him, β€œall right Dad, anytime, my door’s always open.”

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2021
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I've been having the most difficult time figuring out what audio system to put in my car.

I hate making decisions based on stereotypes.

πŸ‘︎ 110
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mingonius
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
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It was very difficult to switch off my mother-in-law’s life support system.

I had to fight my wife and two doctors to do it.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2018
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My neighbor installed a security system in his porch that launches intruders into the air, and I could tell he was very happy about it.

There was a spring in his step.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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I have a system for organizing the beverages in my refrigerator.

I use the Mountain Dewey decimal system.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jikado
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2018
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"Dad, can I keep my solar system project in your room?"

"Yeah sure, I got some space"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BuckleysPants
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2016
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My friend has a problem with his tv's speaker system, and he just couldn't understand my interest in the problem.

Me: What's the problem with it?

Friend: It echoes!

Me: It echoes!

Friend: Yeah, it just doesn't stop echoing.

Me: Echoing.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2013
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I know this isn’t necessarily a dad joke.. but..

I feel like this post belonged here πŸ˜†

β€”

β€œWent and stood in line at the taco bell they built next to my job today. The second I walk in the door all the workers started yelling at me in Spanish. I thought they implemented a new greeting system like Moe's. I waited a good 3 minutes until someone finally came up to the counter and said "Sir, this is a construction zone. You need to leave."

Fucking rude. 1/10 service. Smells like saw dust, nobody in uniform and the menu isn't even on the wall.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/w0lvez__
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2022
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A short essay on the benefits of beating the shit out of each other β€” A satirical essay based on a single, overplayed pun

In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:

  1. Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.

  2. Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.

  3. Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.

Although some people might say, that beating the shit out of each other is violent, most of them have never been to a public toilet and hence are unable to realize how much more painful and violent the alternative is.

In summery, beating the shit out of people is a good, legitimate, and affordable alternative to laxatives and is a better, more progressive way, to deal with constipation.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a5paperblank
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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Dad joked(?) the old guy at work this morning

I do maintenance on overnights at a department store. We're able to get away with quite a lot of joking around thankfully so it really isn't all that bad

Anyways, it's about 6 or 6:30 in the morning. The daytime employees are just making their way in for the day. Suddenly, I'm paged over the system by the old guy I work with on maintenance

"MetalHeadCrow, where are you?"

I love working with the old guy. He's a great worker and we really get along good. So, I run to the nearest phone, pick it up, and page for the whole store to hear:

"I'm right here, where are you?"

I was happy with myself

EDIT: I'm using my iPod to post so not sure how this will look. Also added a few words

πŸ‘︎ 796
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetalHeadCrow
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2015
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Am I the asshole in this situation?

So a bit of background here, I am fully dependent on my carer. Where he goes, I go. What he eats, I have to eat too. And because of that, if he wants to eat the wrong thing, I suffer.

I have no control over what he feeds us and I can't always tolerate the foods he likes. If he eats food that is too spicy, I yell at him. Like a lot. I've even made him cry a few times. But the thing is, I can't control myself. Every time I talk, it is shit for everyone in my vicinity, especially him. That's why I need him as a carer. I really tried to not give him shit for a couple weeks by not talking at all but he thought it was so bad that I did that he took me to the doctor to force me to keep giving out instead of bottling it all up.

I don't know what to do. I'm literally the end point of his digestive system. Am I the asshole?

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
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Pun Help: need funny saying for graduation cap

I’m graduating with my Masters in MIS (Management Information Systems) and am seeking suggestions for punny graduation cap mottos or sayings that I could use related to my MIS Degree. Thanks!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/r00nic0rn
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
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A List of Puns (and other excuses for good humor)

Me: You got the goods?

Dealer: I have an alloy of iron and carbon for only $1.

Me: My, what a steel!

Guy: Hey, wanna hear my joke?

Boxer: I dunno, man. People always say I ruin their punchline.

Teacher: What are the four components of DNA?

Student: Actually, there are five: Adenine, cytosine, guanine, thymine--

Teacher: Oh? And the fifth one?

Student: I got I got I got I got...

Me (metric): Why does America use the imperial system? It's stupid.

Friend (imperial): Actually, other places use the imperial system.

Me: Which other places?

Friend: The Galactic Empire.

Guy: I hate spam.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

...

Someone: Son of a gun...

Someone Else: Now you've just pistoled me off!

Okay, I know these are not the greatest puns ever, but this is my first post in this subreddit. Anyway, now here are the explanations:

Joke 1 - An alloy of carbon and iron is popularly referred to as steel, and stainless steel costs $2.41, in which the item receives a 58.51% reduction in cost, which is a mighty bargain, also known as a steal.

Joke 2 - Boxing is a sport in which your only goal is to knock your opponent out through a series of punches. The ending or twist of a joke is commonly referred to as the punchline of said joke.

Joke 3 - Check out Kendrick Lamar's DNA song.

Joke 4 - Troops and personnel of the Galactic Empire from Star Wars are commonly referred to as the Imperials.

Joke 5 - Spam musubi, or just spam, is a type of sushi. On the internet, spam is referred to as the repetition of a specific message, especially when emailing, to annoy or advertise a product/website to someone.

Joke 6 - The phrase, "Son of a gun", is a friendlier alternative to the phrase, "Son of a bitch!" Also, when you annoy someone, that means that you pissed them off, which sounds a bit like "pistoled".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/U2BURR
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
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My dad (grandpa): I'm having the solar guy come over today, we're going to redo the whole system.

Me (dad): You're going to redo the whole solar system?

My dad: Yeah, we're gonna put in a new transformer and replace some cable and add some panels.

Me: But where are you gonna put Jupiter?

My son: Daaaaaad!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebardingreen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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Dealing with some shit

I live on a sail boat and started what I thought would be a small project. I wanted to ensure that my toilet plumbing was working correctly before having a guest over so I turned on my macerator and began pumping clear water through the system to clean the toilet and clear the system completely. For those that don’t know, a macerator is basically a garbage disposal like you would have in your kitchen sink buttttt for your poop. It cuts up your poop and toilet paper so that it can be discarded over board in smaller pieces. Of course the pump wasn’t working correctly so I detached some plumbing, looked into the macerator motor and got way more into it than I had planned for. My guest was on her way and I didn’t want to necessarily tell her what I was dealing with because I didn’t want to gross her out. When she showed up I was just putting stuff away and had finished the project. Of course she asked what I was working on, I proclaim β€œ oh I just needed to deal with some shit” and left it at that.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lzrdkng421
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
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My uncle is an OG dad, schooling us all

Blatantly stolen from my Uncles Facebook page (link in comments):

Uncle: I'm proud of myself. Instead of goofing off this summer, I chose to go back to school and better myself. I enrolled in a course and have spent the past few weeks in intense study, finally passing the final exam today with a score of 100% - a score that I'm pretty sure they don't see too often. It's not often that I toot my own horn, but this time I think I really deserve it. Thank you to everyone who helped me achieve my goal!

Friend: Congratulations! What subject?

Uncle: It was Traffic School. Speeding ticket. The system wanted me to fail.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlphaSquad1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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x-post from /r/talesfromretail. Customer was classic /r/dadjoke material.

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.

C: Do it

Fuck, he's one of these guys...

Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.

At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.

C: Do I have to use my real name?

PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY

Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.

C: Oh ok.

I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.

C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?

I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.

Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter

C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.

I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.

Oh that's an easy fix

Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.

C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"

Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.

I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.

**

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CountBlah_Blah
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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Was watching a movie on my phone

There was a dog barking in the movie, and a neighbors dog was barking at the same time. My girlfriend points this out and I turn to her with the biggest "this is my chance grin" and told her that it's just my surround hound system.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shaneLeezy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2016
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Even in Retail, Dad Jokes Will Find a Way.

A husband and wife approached my register, and there's a variety of ways a customer will tell me they are in our rewards program. "I'm in the club." "I have a rewards card." Etc. There are a couple of weird ones people say, which brings us to this exchange I witnessed:

> Me: hi there, did you find everything okay?

> Wife: Yes, thank you. points to my till I'm in your computer, there.

> Husband: How the HELL did you fit in there?

> Wife: No, I meant I'm in the system!

> Husband: GASP You didn't tell me you were arrested!!!

> Wife: I swear to God I'm gonna hurt you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NinaBisk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2017
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My Dad at the hospital.

For a little bit of background information, my dad suffers from multiple system atrophy and got a high fever, which turned out to be from a bad urinal tract infection. He has been at the hospital for almost 2 weeks now, and it is really hard on our family, but he is doing his best to get better and throws this small dad joke to lighten me and my brothers day.

A Speech Therapist comes every day to help him focus on his muscles in his face to help him swallow and speak clearer with simple gestures of noises and deep breathing. As she was done with his exercises, she said to him "Can you say goodbye, have a nice day! in a long sentence?" (As in one breath with no pauses). My dad then takes a look at me and my brother and says in his slurred voice "goodbye... have a nice day... in a long sentence".

The Speech Therapist just smiled and shook her head while we facepalmed...

Thumbs up Dad, I know you will come home soon!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Neil_to_me
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2015
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Science teacher told us in class about his four kidneys.

As we were learning about the urinary system in science, our teacher informed us that he had four kidneys as a kid. We freaked out, asking him does he still have them, and he said no. We asked him where the 2 extra kidneys where, and he just pointed towards his legs and said,"my kid knees."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cludwig15
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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GPS...

Navigation system; 'Bare left after 300 yards'

Dad; Oh my God take cover, there's a massive grizzly bear on the left!'

We were in Central London.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nott96
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2015
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I just dad joked the on-call nurse

I had to call the doctor's office about a new medication she put me on, when the nurse answers the phone

Me: Hi, my name is *** I'm calling for Dr ***. She just put me on this new medicine and I'm supposed to call in and let her know how everything is going

Nurse: ok, hun. I have to look you up in the system. What's your date of birth?

Me: April 7th

Nurse: What year?

Me: every year...

Nurse sigh ... what year were you born, sir?

Me: chuckle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Groovy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2015
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I'm at Midas right now getting my Jeep checked to pass smog

I text my step dad that the Jeep is currently in the air right now (they suspend it on a track so they can check the exhaust system) His response "Don't let it float away!"

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2015
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Dadjoked my son at the planet exhibit of the National Air and Space Museum.

12 year old son: "Did you know Venus is the hottest planet in the solar system?"

Me: "Did you know Venus is the only planet whose name rhymes with 'penis'?"

The best part was my wife and kids trying to stifle their embarrassed laughter around the museum visitors. :)

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goconrad
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2016
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I couldn't even continue my conversation after this...

Today, I'm sitting in the kitchen with my dad and I am telling him about this conversation I had with a coworker about different computer operating systems the day before.

Me: "I was telling him that Windows has its own merits and the dude says that he doesn't trust Windows at..."

Dad: "Why doesn't he trust windows, you can see right though them?"

Me: "........."

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NarrWallace
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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Dad makes Dad joke while mom is in hospital.

My mom was admitted to the hospital today for bilateral pneumonia. Thankfully they said just for a night so they could get some IV antibiotics in her system. Dad texted me a picture of her lunch (she has PKU so no protein allowed) http://i.imgur.com/xzcTSkT.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hjonsey
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2016
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Got my workmates a while ago. Still chuckle about it to myself occasionally

I work for an organisation which has a very institutionalised system whereby the newest hires are the shit kickers and the people who have been there longest have it easiest. I knew it when I signed up and now I've done my time and moved up the totem pole a bit. I was lucky enough to be one of 10 people hired at the same time in this hiring period and so the shit was spread out a bit.

We have a small fleet of cars that need to be washed every Sunday. This is the newest hire's responsibility. About 2-3 months into the job I was washing the cars with a few of my other new colleagues. Our supervisor pokes his head out of the building and barks at us "Make sure you do a good job; don't forget to do the wheels!"

"Don't worry boss," I replied, "I'll do a wheelie good job!"

Have you ever heard a chorus of groans? I have.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_saladfingers_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2016
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Fridge Problems

Recently, my mother started smelling a coolant leak from our refridgerator. She called the repair man and he started work. Several hours later, he had his diagnosis, and it wasn't good. The whole machine was going to need to be replaced. Just as he was finishing up, my dad walked in. My dad asked the repair man what the damages were, and he explained that the coolant intake had sprung a leak. The whole unit was sealed, and air was now getting in and contaminating the entire system. The repair costs of the fridge would be about the same as getting a new one. My dad just sighed and looked at his hands.

Dad: "It sucks." He looked at the repair man with a goofy grin on his face. The repair man thought for a moment before answering.

Repair man: "Yeah... it does suck." Then both men cracked up laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bluefoot_Fox
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2014
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My boss got me with a geographer jokes today

I work as a Geographic Info Systems Analyst and majored in Geography. My boss asks me to make a map for him that'll show some railroad data, etc. After he explained the project he says "hey guys thanks a lot. You guy are special.....no wait, you're spatial!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tamumike3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2015
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The lever bee.

This was always one of my dad's favorites to tell us.

A long time ago, there was a beehive in the middle of a forest. Every day, as worker bees do, they would go out into their fields, gather pollen from the flowers, and bring it back to make honey.

The bees had a problem, though, because every so often an intruder would come around, such as a bear who wanted the honey, or kids who thought it'd be fun to throw rocks at the hive. Finally, the bees got tired of it.

Being the intelligent bees that they are, they built an alarm system for the hive. They built it such that one bee pulls a lever, which triggers the alarm that the bees will hear from the fields, and then the bees can come back to protect their home.

There was one bee who was exclusively assigned that job, and he was aptly named the "Lever Bee." His job was to watch for potential adversaries, and pull the lever to raise the alarm.

Now clearly, the safety of the hive depends on this one Lever Bee. So it stands to reason that he has to be constantly ready and on the alert so that he can do his job.

And that, friends, is why people say, "I'm as ready as a Lever Bee."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kentron
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2013
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Friend's dad pulls one at dinner

So it was MT friend's birthday, to celebrate she invited us all over to her house for some dinner.

They've got a pretty big house, and a sweet sound system set up with speakers in each room, so you could play music and everyone in the house will hear it.

So we're all talking and joking around over dinner, my friend hooked up her iPod to the sound system and Ed Sheeran is playing in the background

At this point, her dad comes over to chat

Dad: "So, how do you guys like my house music?"

Friend: "That's not house music dad..."

Dad: "Yeah it is! This is my house, and there's music playing in it, so it's house music!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frosty015
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2014
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The School Bell

Yesterday, the bell system was broken at school.

So my English teacher says, β€œHey! Looks like they get the No-bell prize!”

There was silence in the classroom. The only noise to be heard was one boy in the back throwing his book to the ground.

(Stolen from Tumblr)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/misingnoglic
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2013
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