No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
“I play a little guitar!"
A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.
"Bargain" the man says.
"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."
My buddy asked if I would go on a man-date
Of course, that's mandatory
My friend asked me if I wanted to go to a Vietnamese Soup-Making Demonstration
I've invented a new golf ball that will automatically go into the hole if it gets within 4 inches...
DO NOT carry them in your back pocket.
I asked my daughter if she wanted to go to the store with me. She said “I’m good.”
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of shit.
I feel like if my family and friends were selecting the epitaph for my tombstone they would go with "He meant well."
Especially if my last words were "Help! I fell in the wall!"
If I ever go to jail I am making sure I get the nickname ‘mitochondria’
The powerhouse of the cell
Dad: Son, did you know that if you, as an American, go into a bathroom in France you are no longer an American? Son: No, I didn’t. What would I be?
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, "NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" and I said, "That's Superman..."
"Thanks, man," he replied, "I've been practising a lot."
I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him go faster. If anything it made him more sluggish.
If i’m scared to go on a flight, i always bring a bomb.
Because what’s the chance of being 2 bombs on 1 flight?
I was thinking to myself, if I wanted to race some musical instruments, where would I go?
Then it came to me, a soundtrack of course.
A friend of mine, who is always up for pranks, asked if I wanted to go fishing with him
- I don't know, whats the catch?
I’m gonna go outside, so if anyone asks,
Do u think if a British person heard an American person go “ugh I have a bloody nose” they would think “we all have noses you know”
Credit goes to my friend who made the joke
I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine.Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though,
Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?
If a child is refusing to take their nap or go to bed... can I call the cops on them?
Technically they are resisting a rest!
I ask my friends if they wanted to go on a cruise this summer.
My son asked me if we could go search for geodes. I replied
"That would be...gneiss."
I heard the ticks are really bad this year. If you go outside, be careful...
Unless you like your Corona with Lyme.
Dad I am cold.. If you’re cold, go eat your lunch in the corner. Why?
If I ever go to Prison, I'm gonna change my name to Mitochondria
I want everyone to know I'm the powerhouse of the cell.
Speaking to a friend: "My mother once told me, 'if you want to go further on your journey, you have to take that next step, no matter how daunting'." My friend piped up, "Don't you mean farther?" To which I replied:
"No, I'm fairly certain it was my mother."
Credit to B.C. (comic strip), most likely paraphrased since I read it many a moon ago, though I'm fairly certain the punchline is very close to the original.
If I go bald, I'm going to get rabbits tattooed all over my head.
Because, from a distance, they'll look like hares.
I'm not sure if this will go orwell with you guys, but...
My dad asked if I wanted to go to North Carolina.
I took the Agnetha from ABBA our for dinner once. I bumped into her again last week and asked if she enjoyed it and would she like to go for dinner again. She said...
“There's no regret
If I had to do the same again
I would, my friend, For a Nandos.”
I asked a friend if I should go into business selling curvy tracks for people to ride their toboggans down for jollies...
He said it sounds like a luging proposition.
My wife asked if I could go one day without mentioning ninjas.
I don't know if it's just me or the new decorations, but every time I go to the bathroom...
Normally if I have a problem, I like to go and think about it on the local carousel.
It usually helps, but I feel like I’m going around in circles
Asked my Dad if I could go to a 50¢ concert
So he gave me a dollar and asked me to bring my brother
My girlfriend asked if I could go a day without making a 'stupid' pun... frayed knot.
If I don’t go to the bathroom soon I’m going to..
A yogi asked me if I was gonna go to their class.
I replied, "Namaste here."
As my son was heading out to go camping, I advised him, "If you need to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, make sure they’re the same."
"Then you’ll have a match!"
I will be flying for the first time so I looked up different airlines. Can anyone tell me if I should go with this airline?
I asked my wife if she wanted to rob an Asian restaurant or go for a stroll.
Either way, we will be taking a wok.
My wife asked me if I wanted to go to a Middle Eastern country that borders Saudi Arabia.
If you don’t come to my funeral then I won’t go to your’s
My wife and I love to go on dates, but we always do what she wants. Today she asked me, ‘If you had to pick any date, what would it be?’
My wife asked me, “Could you go to the store and buy one gallon of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.” When I came home with 6 gallons of milk, she shrieked, “Why in the world did you buy 6 gallons of milk!?”
I replied, “They had avocados.”
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practising it a lot.”
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practicing it a lot.”
If my child won't go to bed, I'll have him put in jail.
Took the shell off my racing snail to see if I could make it go faster...
Just made it a bit sluggish.
I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks...
Tell them I’m Outstanding.
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