I asked my Indian neighbors if he had any bread I could use.
He said “Sorry, I have naan.”
I was asked if I could name 2 structures which hold water
I miss my grandad. If he could see me now I know exactly what he'd say...
My son asked if I could help him with his math homework. He said "Do I know the square root of minus 1?"
Wife asked me if I could stop singing Wonderwall
[True story] My brother just found out his girlfriend is pregnant. I asked him if I could name the baby. If it's a girl, he should call her Denise.
If it's a boy, he should call him Danephew.
“Could you go to the store and buy one gallon of milk and if they have avocados, get 6?” When I got home, my wife asked, “Why did you buy 6 gallons of milk?”
I told my wife we could get a new pet, but only if she let me put a flannel shirt on our cat.
I always wanted a plaid-a-puss.
I had an interview to join the Navy. Interviewer asked if I could swim.
I said " Why? Don't you have any boats?"
It's my wife's birthday. This morning when she woke up, she told me that she dreamt that I got her a diamond necklace for her birthday, and asked if her dream could mean anything. I assured her that she'd find out later today.
She's gonna love the book I bought her about the meaning of dreams.
I wonder if the Drunken Samurais of old could handle their drinks well..
I hope so, for their Sake
I asked Aussie if he could name one thing he loves to do the most?
He said, I’d love to mate.
I was in the hospital and asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches.
.
She said "suture self".
When I was very young my dad took me to the bank to open a savings account. The lady behind the counter asked if she could help me.
I was too scared to say anything and looked to my dad for help.
He looked at me and said “Tell her”
I called my boss and asked if I could come in a little late.
He said “Dream on.” I think that was really nice of him.
My wife showed me a picture of some jeans she’s thinking of buying and asked me if I thought she could pull them off
Oh, i’m sure you could, I said, but I don’t think they’d look good on you.
*true story.
It would be shocking if this isn't a repost but I could not resist
Would crosspost if I could, but thought it definitely belongs here
My son asked me if I could tell him more about the progression of music before the 70's.
I told him: "I don't know much about history."
Not sure if this is allowed, but I could use help coming up with some puns!
My coworkers are doing a little trick or treat between all of us, and I want to get everyone Halloween themed rubber duckies and write puns on them, so far I’ve come up with- “you’re ducking awesome”, “you quack me up”, “waddle I do without you” aaaaand that’s about it so far, but I want atleast a few more, pls help
Someone asked me if I Could beat a game with nothing but a shovel
I told them of course I can, that’s ground breaking technology…
When I went to jail I asked the photographer if I could take my own mugshot..
I asked my friend, Nick, if he had 5 cents I could borrow.
I asked a phone store worker if I could park my car in the store
He said "Sorry, strictly Nokias in store."
I asked the Butcher's wife if I could have a couple of the nice looking Rib-Eyes on the top shelf.
She said, "I'm afraid not, the steaks are too high."
I put one too many books on my bookshelf, didn't look first to see if it could hold them and they all came crashing down.
Turns out you should check your shelf before you wreck your shelf
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
My boss asked me if I could finish restocking the herbs before I left.
I told him “no, I’m out of thyme.”
I wonder if they have a glass port hole on the Mars rover, to both see out of and so Martians could see into the rover...
Or did NASA miss this window of Opportunity?
Fishing got boring so I asked my friend if I could play some music.
My friend said OK and to play something catchy.
I asked a Scottish botanist if I could go out in the field with her.
My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it!
some guy came up to my doorstep and asked if I could make a small donation for the local swimming pool
I said “sure one sec!” And gave him a glass of water
I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthesia.
He said “Go ahead. Knock yourself out.”
I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
This is the 21st century,' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.'.
I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!
I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me how to do the splits. He said ‘how flexible are you?’
I said ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’
If I could choose to be any lettuce.
My buddy asked me to look after his chihuahua for two weeks and, not liking small dogs, I asked if I could sleep on it.
He said no since that might kill it.
Kid asked me if I could explain eclipses to him.
After dinner my husband asked if I could clear the table
I was a hurdler in high school so I managed no problem
My wife asked me if I could sing all the songs from the Shrek soundtrack. I said "No, just some."
"... BODY once told me..."
I asked someone who works at a chocolate factory if they could show me a trick
They replied, “I ain’t a magician, but I got a couple of twix up my sleeves”
I went to the local video shop and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever
They said no, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow
My partner asked me if I could stop singing Wonderwall
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
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