Wife (we both live in the US): I have to make sure my work phone is on do not disturb mode before bed so I don’t get email notifications from co-workers in our office in Europe.

Me: Sure, because when they send email, they don’t care if you’re up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMetheThree
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m going to open an ice cream shop in Texas called *Remember the A La Mode*.
πŸ‘︎ 578
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πŸ‘€︎ u/derricko31
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2017
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To keep the virus away, I'm taking forever to open the door, refusing to change the temperature and only playing games in single player mode.

In other words, I'm doing everything I can to be a bad host.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karmaniak
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm trying to get broomstick to be a more popular mode of transport,

But that's just witchful thinking.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doogasa34
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I turned on Airplane mode on my phone.

I threw my phone out of the window and it didn't fly.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ziswrad
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I put my phone on airplane mode yesterday...

...it didn’t fly well with my friends :(

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blawkay
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2018
🚨︎ report
I just put my cell phone on airplane mode

Biggest disappointment of my life. It didn't fly anywhere.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bebop0420
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2016
🚨︎ report
This morning Siri said "don't call me Shirley"

I'd accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1963Jan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Me and my laptop share a similarity.

Every morning we start in an insecure mode.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madjholu
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2021
🚨︎ report
My son and I were talking at lunch today...

This happened today and my son hated it, but it got a great laugh from my wife.

We were talking at lunch today and I asked my son how he felt being taller than his dad now. He said "I don't know". Just like a teenager would.

I told him in full dad joke mode that I was afraid he would be looking down on me now. He then said if you feel that way I will get you a step ladder. I said "that would work but then I would be your step dad!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/upcarrotm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
How do dogs take pictures with their phones?

They use pawtrait mode.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wherethegoldat
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
🚨︎ report
My iphone is only responding to Shirley instead of Siri.

I forgot I left it in Airplane mode.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
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My missus asked Siri. "Surely it's not going to rain today?"

Siri said "Yes it will rain, and don't call me Shirley". I think she forgot to take her phone off Airplane mode.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
See ya sucker!!
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/popman-
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...

The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobbylake71
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
The sky looked a bit foreboding this morning, so I asked Siri "Surely it's not going to rain today?" Siri replied "It is, and don't call me Shirley."

I must have left my phone in Airplane mode.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
My teacher said my history is bad

I always use incognito mode.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cbsxact7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?

I did because I put it on sleep mode.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Three groups of people were travelling

A group of English folks, a group of French and a group of Spaniards.

They all needed to get to Germany, but couldn't agree on a mode of transport.

So the English drove, the French took the train and the Spanish flew.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GlassDeviant
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Siri kept calling me Shirley this morning. I was starting to get really pissed off, and then I realized why...

I left my phone in Airplane mode

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about this year’s Nobel prize nominees?

It included the inventor of β€œSilent Mode”.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElZoof
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What did Davy Crockett say when the waitress brought his pie?

"Remember the a la mode!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Old Statistics Teachers never die.

They just get mean. (I know ... just an average joke)

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Truculent1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Sry I dont answer my phone on 9/11 . . .

I keep it on airplane mode.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Useless-Chicken
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I just threw up my Travis Scott meal...

I think I’m in sicko mode

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sk80Boi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
So my wife...

Was trying to figure out how to use her new iPhone to shoot photos at night using night mode. She gave me the phone and said, here figure this out. I took the phone and pushed one button, and voila, night mode. She looks at me at this point and says, how did you know that would work? My reply...

I don’t know, I was just taking a shot in the dark.

Mic drop.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/velopike
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I need a pun

Idk if this fits this sub, but I'm planning a Halloween costume and just need a punny name for it.

I'm going to wear timberland boots, camo cargo pants, an olive/brown/green/earth t-shirt, aviator sunglasses, and get a beer bandolier.

I need a solider/army/military + beer/alcohol/drinking pun to name the costume. Any suggestions?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lcg32195
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
It's mean to call people average

Some want to become mode or median

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clumsy-_-Phoenix
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My math teacher said that I'm a terrible student

How mean! If I had to sum it up, I would say that’s not the best mode to say that to me. Maybe they should try to factor in the student’s feelings when telling them they need to tell them they need to fix their grade. I told them to factor that in next time, but they just couldn’t see my logic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doogasa34
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
A trio of jokes I'm hitting my students with today. Yesterday I was told my jokes were "so bad that I shouldn't ever tell a joke again." =D

Q: What is the average math teacher?
A: mean

Q: What dessert do math teachers eat the most?
A: pie a la mode

Q: Where does the average cop hide when catching people for speeding?
A: The highway median

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blindsight
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2015
🚨︎ report
I checked up on my son's internet history, and there wasn't anything.

Apart from three days ago when he searched: 'How to use incognito mode'.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I dropped my phone and I was surprised that it didnt hit the floor

turns out it was in airplane mode

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GGDominated
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2018
🚨︎ report
A guy dropped his iPhone X from the 16th floor but nothing happened to it because

it was on airplane mode

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nu-way
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Whenever my Muslim friend goes to pray, I usually join him with some apple pie and ice cream.

So that both of us are in a la mode.

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2018
🚨︎ report
I dropped my phone from the top of the Eiffel Tower

It's ok, it was in airplane mode

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2018
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These puns are Capital!

So I had a productive day at work coming up with these Capital City puns a year ago today. Thought they were too good not to share!

Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?

To book a rest!

Bob Mortimer was speaking to his comedy partner's wife saying he wanted to take him on a piss up to Iceland. When asked why he said:

I want to wreck ya vic!

Why should you never let a man go swimming in Finland with weights on his ankles?

Coz He'll sinky

What do people most commonly use toilet paper for in Bandar Seri Begawan?

Their Brunei

Catwoman bet her male counterpart he couldn't pronouce the capitol of Nepal. But cat man do.

Why was the Polish man rubbing his bollocks? Coz they warsaw.

I just came up with a cracking pun for Japan. Alas, all the wife could say was "What Tokyo so long?"

The ex Mrs McCartney got naked in East Germany in the 80s. She was known for years in the area as Bare-lin

Cheap flights to Russia still available! Book now! Everything Moscow!

The people of Bahamas think learning Capitol cities is Nassau important

The people of the Netherlands had a need to build a water driven power station as well as an overabundance of pork products. So they used 'Ams to Dam a river.

A husband and wife in the Phillipines were both very, very unwell. The woman was sick, but the man iller.

What's the average Senegalian's favoured mode of transport? Da car

Have you heard about the talking cat in Somalia that only throws insults? The Moggy Diss you

They are obsessed with John Cleese in Uruguay. They love a video of Fawlty towers almost as much as they love a Montevideo

People from Vietnam Hanoi the hell outta me

Rain storms are very rare in Zambia, but in Zimbabwe they Harera

Before you do a joke about Macedonia, let me Skopje right there

I've heard Swedish Ikea workers get stuff for free, they can just take Stockholm

If you are trying to eat Halal in Pakistan, Islamabad or good choice?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spoghead
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Whenever I ask my psychic friend to predict the future, he gets really angry.

He gets into a mean medium mode.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Why don't zombies just not run fast, catch people and eat their brains immediately?

Because they are stuck on "shuffle mode".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ADD-INFP
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2017
🚨︎ report
I woke up this morning to find my smartphone flying around on the ceiling...

...I must have left it in Aeroplane Mode.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pcglightyear
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Siri just said β€œI am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.”

Turns out I’d left my phone in Airplane mode.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eternal_Punshine
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
🚨︎ report
This morning, Siri said, β€œDon’t call me Shirley.”

I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2018
🚨︎ report
My phone kept calling me Shirley this morning

I had forgotten to take it off of airplane mode.

πŸ‘︎ 211
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JDGeek
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Just asked siri "Surely, it won't rain today?"

She replied "It certainly will, and don't call me Shirley."

Forgot i was on airplane mode.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/philbertagain
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2017
🚨︎ report
Why do Texans serve pie with ice cream?

They remember the a la mode

πŸ‘︎ 168
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOtherHoboBeard
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Whenever my Muslim roommate goes for prayer, I sit down next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

So that both of us are in A la mode.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
🚨︎ report

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