My kids won't eat the tacos I made them
My wife said to just throw them out. So I did.
But I still don't know what to do with all these tacos
I know you won't believe me, but its two
My brother keeps slathering glue all over my rifle collection. He vehemently denies it, but I won't let him get away with it.
My girlfriend told me that she won't have sex with me if I keep saying Thanos quotes
So I told her "Fine. I'll do it myself."
The great thing about saying dadjokes is that I know cannibals won't eat me
After all, I'd taste funny
My dad is transitioning and says when it's done I won't be able to see him anymore
I keep having this awful dream, where I'm in front of a door with writing on it, and I push and push but it won't open.
Doctor: What does the writing say?
Patient: Pull.
I was working on a construction site and the delivery driver asked "why won't you sign for the elevators"?
I told him that I'm not allowed to accept lifts off strangers!
I received some bad news regarding my bathroom remodel -- some of the items won't fit through the door.
I'll figure out the next steps soon, but for now, I have to let that sink in.
Although my 3 year old enjoys "helping daddy" when I'm in the garage messing around with my old Chevy, I won't let him "help" when I'm working on the Corvette...
The kid just doesn't have the necessary fine motor skills...
My neighbour has stopped talking to me because I won't let him walk our dog everyday.
I think he's being petty.
I'm sorry, I won't be buying ingredients for soup anytime soon
The stock market is terrible
I won't make a COVID joke
My daughter is mad at me because I won't let her wear stockings.
I told her to sock it up.
My pet snake was sneezing, so i gave it a Claritin. Now it won't speak to me!
I shouldn't have given him an anti-hiss-tamine.
I won't use elevators. I know they work fine. I just don't trust them.
They're always up to something.
I was doing tricks on my bike when I thought of a joke, but I won't tell you it.
I found out what Meatloaf was singing about when he sung ' but, I won't do that'
I read this crazy article today and you won't believe where Putin keeps his armies!
In his sleevies.
I'll show myself out.
I don't like funerals and I won't attend any that happen before 12pm.
I'm not a mourning person.
As a fan of the Thermos brand I've been considering to get the logo for first tattoo, however as it fades I won't be able to get it touched up
Because as every dad knows you don't touch the Thermos tat
Dermatologists won't tell you this, but I will. The #1 cause of dry skin
I won't eat anything but Cheerios for breakfast.
If he won't talk I guess it's just a stairing contest
you won't believe what was my reaction when I got the electric bill
I had to punish my kid because he won't stop eating electrical cords.
I told him he's grounded until he conducts himself properly.
I know you won't believe me, but its two
Everyone says I won't be able to make a film like The Truman Show.
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
I keep asking iris why some people have dyslexia, but she won't answer.
Maybe my iPhone is just broken.
I was having an argument with my wife about who should brew the coffee each morning. She said, “YOU should do it because YOU get up first and then we won't have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
I went full sexist pig, “YOU'RE in charge of cooking around here woman and YOU should do it, because it's YOUR job and I can just wait for my coffee.”
She replied coldly, “No, YOU should do it and besides, it's in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
I guffawed, “I can’t believe that, show me!”
So she fetched the Bible and opened to the New Testament and showed me the top of several pages, that it indeed says, “HEBREWS!”
Ever since I bought that ceramic statue my kids won't go in the back yard
It's gnome man's land now.
I won't let my kids watch DynoTrux Supercharged anymore
I can't condone the use of performance enhancing bugs
My neighbor and I have come to an agreement. He won't play loud music at all hours as long as he gets to have a show of animals with amusements and entertainment every night.
I won't eat at olive garden because their slogan is "when you're here, you're family"...
That's a lie because family wouldn't charge money to eat.
I just found out that the company that makes yard sticks won't be making them any longer...
They will still be only 3 feet.
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.
I, fake a smile so he won't swim
I have lots of Kenny Rogers jokes, but in light of his recent passing, I won't tell them.
You gottta know when to hold 'em.
I probably won't see Wonder Woman 1984 when it comes out.
I still haven't seen Wonder Woman 2 through 1983.
As a dad, I won't let my kids watch any shows on t.v. with orchestra in it....
Too much sax and violins.
My wife when I won't stop making animal puns.
I won't date just any font;
I won't vaccinate my children
I will have the doctor do it.
My roommate is getting annoyed because I won't stop my flamingo impression.
So I've had to put my foot down.
I took my new cat back to the shop as it won't come in doors and just keeps running round the outside of my house.
The shop keeper refused to take it back saying that I asked for a lap cat!
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