My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Do you guys want to know what I put in the wooden box I made and threw in the ocean?
Never mind it’s a sea-crate....
(I made this up please don’t murder me)
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
For all you folks living with diabetes... (My daughter and I both have type 1.) Here’s the joke — What do you say when the waitress at the Mexican restaurant asks you if you want sauce with your carne asada?
I know you want to see the show
I don't want you knowing what my favourite Narnia movie is
Because it's Narnia business
After I bought my dad his retirement condo, I asked him, “What do you want to do with it?”
He said, “I just...want to live in the present.”
You know what superhero I really want to see more in movies?
So you want to know how I got out of Iraq ?
I can tell you a joke about a fish if you want
Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it, I just want you...
Just PowerPoint me in the direction you want to go and I will Excel at getting us there.
Do you want to why I get along well with short people?
It’s because they look up to me.
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman.”
He said, “Thanks dad, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
I want to share a Russian pun with you all
but if no one likes it and it gets down-voted then so-v-iet
Do you know why I want a short girlfriend?
She's low maintenance and doesn't have high standards.
"What do you want for your birthday?" I asked my son.
He said, "I want a gaming mouse, dad."
"That might be tricky," I told him.
"Why?" he asked.
I said, "Well, I'm not sure rodents like video games."
Do you want to know why I love this floor?
It's always been so supportive.
I want to create a birth control pill that you take just before sex. The pill could even be mint flavored.
I’ll call them pre dick a-mints
This morning at breakfast... Me: do you want this with honey? Son: No, I want it without honey
Speaking to a friend: "My mother once told me, 'if you want to go further on your journey, you have to take that next step, no matter how daunting'." My friend piped up, "Don't you mean farther?" To which I replied:
"No, I'm fairly certain it was my mother."
Credit to B.C. (comic strip), most likely paraphrased since I read it many a moon ago, though I'm fairly certain the punchline is very close to the original.
I want to tell you a pizza joke,
I want to tell you a joke about small intestine
If you want, I can draw you, but you’ll have to sit still.
I asked my 5 year old daughter to sit on a bench “so I could draw you.” She was not impressed with my drawing, after a nearly 5 minute wait. https://imgur.com/a/IMOR4q5
The waiter said to me, “I just want to let you know that kids eat for free.”
I exclaimed, “Good! I’ll take a water and some chicken nuggets and my daughter will have a steak and a kids Bud Light.”
Why did I want to be an editor, you ask?
Well, to cut a long story short.
I want to talk to you guys about how I would really like to identify as a type of writing font
I am a wax strip because I am clingy and would make you want to pull your hair out
Downvote if you want, I don't carrot all
My daughter didn't want to eat her dinner so I said "Ok that's fine, technically you can go the rest of your life without eating."
"You'd starve to death but that technically was the rest of your life."
Dad - Hey, do you want to come over for a movie? I have already invited 17 people.
Me- Sure, but why so many people?
Dad- The DVD says it is only for 18+ viewers.
Pun book I found by art moger ask if you want to see more puns from this
I found a bunch of old jokes I made if you want to read them.
What do you call a boat that can sell you something. A sails man.
My friend asked for something to write with, I said “pen or pencil”. He said it depens.
I went to a fan contest. The winner blew away the competition.
My friend got married to a torch. You could say she was the light of his life.
After going through these jokes I now hate myself.
Two doctors are out hiking and the first one trips and cuts his knee pretty badly on a rock. The second doctor says, "That looks pretty bad. Want me to stitch that up for you?" The first doctor says, "Nah, I got it."
The second doctor responds, "Suture self."
I'm angry and don't want to tell you what weathered frozen water is.
Ice wear, if you ask me one more time...
My wife and I love to go on dates, but we always do what she wants. Today she asked me, ‘If you had to pick any date, what would it be?’
Kid: “Can you make breakfast?” Dad: “What do you want?” Kid: “I don’t know.”
Dad: “I can make ‘I don’t know.’ I don’t know how to make it though.”
(From this morning. Kid is still scowling at me for this one.)
I walked into a bar and saw Van Gogh sitting at the end. I shouted ‘Hey Van do you want a drink?!’
He replied ‘No thanks, I’ve already got one ear’
Daisy, Rose, Violet, Lily, I want you to all go get some sleep
I want to tell you about my effort to unclog a toilet today, but I won’t bother you with that shit
I know you're tired of new year jokes but I want to tell you one
[Request] I need every skeleton/bone related pun you can think of for an upcoming D&D session...I want to really get under my players skin and give them a good ribbing!
Hello! I thought that maybe some of you lovely punny people might want to support my enamel pin kickstarter as they feature these pun-tastic grumpy woodland animals 😄 I’ll put the link in the comments
I was in a shop talking to an assistant. I said, "I want some stuff for my kitchen, you know..."
"Kitchenware?" she asked.
I said, "In my house, of course."
Zachary: Dad, what do you want for breakfast? Dad: Zack, I think you know. Zachary: Eggs?
Son: Dad i really want to get into Harvard, any tips you could give me?
Dad: have you tried the gate?
Since it’s December 23rd I want to wish you all merry Christmas Adam!
The bartender said " you have an empty glass, do you want another one?" Why would i want two empty glasses
To the kids while I'm in the kitchen: "Hey, do you want to see something cool?!"
Them: Yes!
Look, it's the fridge!
Whole family: groan
...My work here is done.
I want you to keep this safe.
What is it?
I just told you. It’s a safe.
I want tibia your Valentine because you are so acute! (thanks Museum of Science Boston!)
Son, I know you really want to leave your job and becoming an entrepreneur...
"I want a tattoo going down my spine, but I'll let you do anything you want," my son told the tattoo man. The tattoo man agreed to it and ended up tattooing an enormous gun my son's his spine.
Well, I guess that backfired.
I really want to tell you this joke about peanut butter...
...but I'm afraid you might spread it.
Didn't want to tell my friends who I'm hanging out with tonight, I guess you could say I'm keeping things......
You want to know how I know that Ken never hits Barbie?
When I die I want the theme to my funeral to be Hawaiian, if you're not dressed up as a Hawaiian you're not welcome.
Just want you to know... I can see that you've been under a lot of pressure for a while now. But you are a rock, and I don't take you for granite.
I've been making pun stickers: Oh You Want A Pizza Me!?
Do you want to know what I think of mute people?
Apparently, if your girlfriend or wife ever says: "If anything ever happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."
....."Anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.
So my friend and I visit a vegetable shop. The clerk says "You want to buy anything?"
I said "Lettuce see the selection, please"
Husband: tonight I want to be generous. Ask me whatever you want in bed...
Wife: ok, please don’t snore
Wife: When I die, I want you to cremate me and put me in an urn and carry me around wherever you go...
Me: I ain't taking your ash anywhere!
I want you all to meet my dog, Puter.
I built a cupboard, but I don't want to show you...
..because I'm too shelf-conscious.
I called my wife on the way to work, I said when I get home, I want you to do something freaky to me. You know what she said?
How does Fire work? I asked my dad. He said: why do you want to know? He asked. I said:
I just want you guys to know....
My friend and I are planning on starting a seafood shop on the beach called "Standoffish Stand of Fish". We will be the rudest, most clever staff of any restaurant, ever.
You want to see how fast I can destroy something?
I can give you a quick demo.
If you ever want to open your own business, I recommend selling stoves...
You'll immediately offer a range of hot products.
Need some help, I want to give my geography teacher a leaving present and she's always loved puns. Can you guys come up with any geography themed puns? There are no good ones elsewhere..
Preferably something physical related, not so much to do with place names or anything like that, but if they're funny enough and not to niche I don't see why not! Thanks I really appreciate it! ^you ^guys ^are ^the ^best
I want to tell you all what's so great about the sun
But I can't put my finger on it.
I want to be frank with you guys
But I'd have to change my name first
[Meta] I made a film about dad-jokes if you want to check it out.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQosRqmOJiY
"I'm gonna run to the store, you want anything?" -Me
Dad: Y'know, it'd be quicker if you drove, hur hur!
Or sometimes, Dad: I was gonna ask for ice cream, but if you're not driving, it'll be melted before you get back, hur hur!
Sadly, I've now started saying the first one. <crying>
Me: Every time I drive by cows I always honk to see if they will turn and look. Dad: You want to know why they don't respond? Me: why? Dad: Because their horns don't work.
I want to tell you all about a girl that only ate plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
I want to tell you all about this girl who only eats plants...
You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman!”
He replied, “Thanks dad! I’ve been practicing a lot!"
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
I said to my son, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
He said, "Sure dad!"
I shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
He said, “That’s Superman!”
I said, “Thanks son, I’ve been practicing a lot!”
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