I always bring an extra pair of underwear when I go golfing
Just incase I get a hole in one.
No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
“I play a little guitar!"
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.
"Bargain" the man says.
"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."
I said I was sad to have to go back to work on Monday after a long break. My four year old without missing a beat said...
Daddy, you're sad because it's SADurday.
I was so proud.
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
Off work today. You could say I'm... All Dressed Up and nowhere to go
When I left home to go on a business trip, my wife said "Don't forget to write"
I thought, "That's unlikely... it's a basic skill, isn't it?"
When I go camping with my wife I want it to be relaxing...
but it always ends up two in tents
Why did I have a hard time letting go of the small branch?
Because it was a little sticky.
I know why beer and frog legs go together so well!
My buddy asked if I would go on a man-date
Of course, that's mandatory
My wife looked at me beaming with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son could go so far!”
I said, “I know. This trebuchet is amazing. Go get our daughter.”
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
I asked my dog Regina why she wouldn’t go and get the ball I threw...
She said, “Quit trying to make ‘fetch’ happen.”
When I die, I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather.
Not like the people screaming in his car
I'm a teacher and every day I write a Dad Joke from this sub on the board. Today a student said this to me... I was about to go off... before I got the Dad Joke.
Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"
Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*
Me: "Well played."
My day is full of conference calls, collaborations, and 1-on-1s. I wish they would all just go away...
...but then my life would be meetingless.
From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.
Looks like we’ll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.
I don’t go to church much…
But I do drink religiously...
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
I tried to invent an indestructible piece of paper. It didn't go well...
My friend asked me if I wanted to go to a Vietnamese Soup-Making Demonstration
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
I would like to go to Holland some day
My son told me the house was cold, I told him to go stand in the corner...
'Cause the corner is 90 degrees.
2 years ago my doctor told me I’d go deaf
I haven’t heard from him since.
I decided to go on a vacation with my family. Almost all the hotel rooms were booked except one
It was our last resort...
First, I posted this on r/jokes but it didn't get much love. Then I realized I posted it on the wrong joke sub. Y'all love the punny jokes, so here you go:
Why are lamb chops a thing? Why do we have a food named after a baby animal?
Would you ever eat something called puppy steak? Or kitten burger? Or chick fillet?
oh wait.........
Credit goes to Matt from Studio C
I’m so glad 2020 is over, but I can’t believe we have to go through it again after 2021...
After all, it’s twenty twenty too
I asked "should I go to college?"
They replied "of course you should"
I said "I degree"
I've invented a new golf ball that will automatically go into the hole if it gets within 4 inches...
DO NOT carry them in your back pocket.
Everytime I go there I get upset.
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
I made some of my favourite puns into drawings to go on t shirts that I’ve put online! This one is my favourite ‘High Steaks Poker’
I entered my sons room and said, "Remember, boy, masturbating can make you go blind."
"I'm over here dad." He replied.
I asked my daughter if she wanted to go to the store with me. She said “I’m good.”
Every year around this time, my family and I go out to the woods to pick out and cut down our own menorah.
I got arrested for dumping ice under the overpass last night. I thought they would have let me go this morning.
Surely it's just water under the bridge by now?
My wife said there was a large fly buzzing around our bedroom and told me to go kill it. I rolled my eyes and said she should call 911. She asked why.
I responded: So they can send the swat team.
When I go shopping for brow pencils, I never know what I want
My 8yo daughter made me proud and came up with this: I don't get why pirates go around on boats...
They should be in the arrrrmy
I believe that Jafar will, go on.
I went to go see the liberty bell...
It wasn't all that it was cracked up to be
I had to go find my kid in a farmers field
My kid said, "Why did you come and get me?"
Me: "Its pasture bed time."
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of shit.
I told my daughter to go to bed because the cows are sleeping. She asked what’s that go to do with anything..
I said it’s because it’s pasture bedtime.
2 years ago my doctor told me I’d go deaf
I haven’t heard from him since.
When I die, I want to go out peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather...
Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car.
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