Girlfriend asked for help, and I did the best I can do it.
I came home to find my Amazon TV streaming device playing. My wife suggested maybe my Nintendo console did it. i said "No way...
The Wii didn't start the Fire!"
What did the Tibetan monk say when he saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine? I can’t believe it’s not Buddha
Did I ever tell y’all about the time I went to the zoo and there was only one animal… AND it was a dog?
My child was playing near the wall sockets and I was so scarred that they would electrocute themselves, that I did the only thing I could to prevent it from happening
The other day I had to fly international. The good news? It was a direct flight. The bad news? I had to sit next to a mother with a baby. I did not believe it was possible for someone to scream TWELVE HOURS STRAIGHT, non-stop.
Even the baby was impressed.
My best dad joke... I did it to my wife
I made my bowl of Yogurt, I then squeezed some honey on it in a "B".
I told my wife, from across the kitchen "there's a honeybee in my yogurt!"
She comes over, looks in the bowl, and says only "its 6 o'clock in the morning." I could hear her eyes roll.
It was great!
I'm 42 btw.
Did you know that in Japanese it is preferred to count in elevens? I mean, I don't count like that, but...
Guys - I did it. I made my wife roll her eyes…
We saw a bee today and it was too cold to fly
Did it forget it’s yellow jacket?
I did it, I finally did it. After 4 years and 92 days I went from being a father, to a dad.
This morning, my 4 year old daughter.
Daughter: I'm hungry
Me: nerves building, smile widening
Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.
She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.
Thank you all for listening.
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
Needed a wee at the pool today, so I just did it in the deep end.
Life guard noticed and blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in.
My daughter just got me good… I said, “Did you know you can always see your own nose and your brain just ignores it?”
She said “yeah because it NOSE it’s there”
I was driving my truck down an empty back road when I hit a pig. There was no damage to the truck, so I rolled it into the ditch and drove off, confident that nobody had seen it. The next day, cops show up at my door. Shocked, I asked “how did you find out?”
Warning: if you drop your Teddy Ruxpin toy like I just did, it will malfunction and keep saying the same few phrases over and over.
I did it to save my bacon.
I ran out of gas suddenly a bee flew in my car and asked are you out of gas, yes I replied the Bee said I'll be back.. moments later a sworm of bees flew in my gas tank and flew off the bee said try it now it started I asked what did yall use the bee replied
They told me not to drill into the wood yet, but I forgot and did it anyways.
Someone cut down all the trees in my yard and I can’t figure out who did it.
I noticed you have a new hand. Where did you get it?
I dated a communist once. I had no idea. She seemed sweet. But it did NOT end well
Honestly I should have noticed all the red flags
I finally did it!
TMI, but my wife and I were having fun adult times. Afterwards she said "that was fucking intense"
I agreed, then after a pause asked her "you know what else is fucking intense? Sex while camping!"
She was thoroughly displeased, but I was elated.
Anyhow, just wanted to share. Haha.
I did it! I told a dad joke that my wife AND preteen daughter laughed at!
Daughter: the dog has a piece of confetti stuck to his butt.
Me: that's because he's a party pooper!
Edit: I can't believe somebody gave me gold for this.
Edit 2: Seriously guys. Quit giving me gold. The joke really wasn't that good.
Edit 3: yes, I have a bunch of kids named Edit.
I said to my sister "did you know there's a computer currently calculating all the digits of pi?" she asked "when did it start?"
I told her "at 3"
This was an actual conversation me and my sister had lol
What did the staircase say when I was climbing it?
Nothing.. it just staired.
I did it, my first real dad joke..
today while carrying our child(10m) in a bodycarrier at a Viking fair, a shop owner asked if I was using one of thoes new 3d printed shirts, and right there I knew it was my time to shine
I said." while yes, it takes about 9 months to print."
the look on his face was priceless, took a few revolutions but then he just look a bit defeated..
GF's look was a mix of headshaking and laughter...
For Easter, rhe neighborhood kids thought an egg fight would be fun. I suggested otherwise, but they did anyway and enjoyed it.
Now I have egg on my face.
Did you see how pissed the pork butt got when I put it in the smoker?
It was definitely traegered!
I did it! So proud of my dad joke moment….
In our family group chat, my SIL informed us all that my brother tore a tendon while helping his son do a backflip on the trampoline.
My response-
“[Brother], you’re flipping amazing. I’m sure you’ll bounce back. Good job tendon to [son].”
Is it wrong to feel this good about a dad joke?
It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my universal remote control did not, in fact, control the universe.
Did you know after a male bee has the sexy times it will die? I suppose its life can be summed up in three words.....
The Argyle Sweater for 8/2/21. Did I enjoy it? Neigh, I loved it.
I found a lamp that said that if I rubbed it, a genie would come out and grant me three wishes, but when I did it nothing happened
I must have rubbed him the wrong way
I did it
TV is paused because we’re talking about the movie my and the wife just watched. It’s 11:47PM
Me: yes, you should go see it. But if you don’t unpause what we’re watching now, we’ll be watching it until next year
Although It took me nearly 5 years of hard work and dedication to train for the Guinness world record for the most watches eaten by a man in an hour. I finally did it!
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
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