This
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
A man with a sack walks into a bar. He orders his first drink. The bartender asks, “What’s in that sack?” The man replies. It’s nothing, don’t worry about it. Later in the night, the man orders another drink. The bartender asks again, “What’s in the sack?” The man again replies, “It’s nothing worth seeing, don’t worry.” Later, the man comes up for his third drink. The bartender says, “Look, if you show me whats in that sack, I’ll give you a free drink. Whatever you want.” The man thinks for a moment, and opens the sack. He pulls out a tiny man, and a tiny piano. The tiny man starts playing the tiny piano. The bartender, surprised, asks, “Wow! Where’d you get this guy?” The man pulls out a magic lamp from the sack. “This thing. It can grant any wish. But the wish won’t be 100% accurate.” The bartender asks, “Can I try it out?” The man gives the magic lamp to the bartender. “I wish I had 100 bucks.” A few seconds later, 100 ducks waddle into the bar. The bartender says, “You’re right. This thing isnt very accurate” The man says, “I know. did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”
Unless you're at a funeral
Ooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeee.
I gave it a lot of shit this morning
(Long time stalker, heres my first dad joke!)
All ultrasounds look the same.
I falafel.
What did members of the Politburo wear to keep cool in the summer?
A: Lenin suits
What did the Soviet General Secretary say when he slipped and fell on ice in front of the Kremlin?
A: That'll leave a Marx!
What did the Commissar say to the workers on the collective farm when they slacked off?
A: Stop Stalin and get to work!
What did the Chinese President say when he stubbed his toe?
A: Mao! That hurts!
An officer in the Iranian army is talking to a subordinate.
The officer says, "Private, I think it's gonna rain."
The private says, "You think so, sir? The sky is completely clear and the sun is shining."
20 minutes later it starts to rain, a total deluge ensues.
The private says, "That was an amazing prediction, sir!. It did rain!"
The officer looks at the private, pats him on the shoulder and says, "Private, Ayatollah you so."
I don't care if it's Tabby, Siamese, persian or even mixed breed. If I see a cat, I'm calling it over to me. And petting it too, if I can.
I'm sorry, that's just the way I am.
I mean that's a... crappy job.
I was talking to some friends about the snow yesterday here in the Midwest. I said "it was snowing so hard you can't see 20 feet in front of you!"
My friend Jon responded: "I don't know why you'd want to look at twenty feet, anyways."
He doesn’t even get paid, but he has to put up with all this shit.
Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it.
I said, “Sorry about the repost.”
I speak Atrocian
I call it the remorse code
But she's not suede
I told her I was sorry for such a cheesy joke.
#That’s how eye roll!
I call it:
THE A-TONE-MINT!!!!!
You boil the hell out of it.
(Apologies if this has been posted before.)
I told her I was just lashing out.
He was a hippo pot a must. This is so dumb...I apologize now to all of you ha ha ha.
Apologies if this breaks the rules however. My friends and I are making up names of star wars characters combined with celebrity names. So far we've come up with Darth spader, sith rogan, and obi wan kobe.
Any others we cant think of?
A Roamin' Numeral.
(Apologies if it's an old joke. My daughter told me this today while doing online math class. THANKS COVID!!)
Everyone stay safe and healthy!
He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum haired beauty jumps to feet, “what gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?”she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology
“You keep out of this! She yells, “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
Because it will always have a point
PS, this was inspired from a comment I saw on an instagram post, and also I apologize if this joke has already been posted as I did not take the time to check if it has been.
I told her to please leave it in the jug.
My wife eye-rolled SO hard and then apologized to the cashier :D
The cashier was laughing though, so I'll take the win.
He was running a little behind.
(I believe this to be original; but I wasn't willing to risk searching for the key terms required to determine if someone else came up with it... apologies if I'm repeating a long ago joke)
When going through some of my deceased father's things, I found a card that says "Gold Mouse Story" and "Do you have a little gold Mexican?". This is sort of a shorthand he used to jot down jokes on index cards - a short description and the punchline.
I have no idea what this might refer to so I am asking here. Does this sound familiar? I apologize in advance if it turns out to be racist!
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:
“Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”
pauses for effect
“...I guess I let it go to my head.”
Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).
Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another ‘incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,
"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.
Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year
Nurse: apologies for making you wait
Dad: no problem, I am patient
Came here before to post a time travel joke...
Edit : Apologies in advance if you're reading this as a repost from tomorrow
He later apologized for his mis-steak.
