I'm So Sick Puns

But, the gun is all the way over there.

I just don't buy it.

I look over, and he's reaching into his pocket and pulls out a little vial, and shakes it out all over me. He hands me this vial and he's made a shitty label around it, and he wrote on this fricken label, "Directions: Add in salt to injury".

He's a legend among my friends dads.

There's no need for a staff infection.

You could say I'm ready for the Super Bowel.

"Well you know you gotta have a lot of patients for that..."

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

I called some relatives and got to hear this gem of a conversation:

My stupid teenage cousin wants to go to some party and my uncle was so cringe. He said to him that everything was dangerous due to exposure and he quoted statements made popular in the news:

Steven: I want to go to Nikki's No School party.

Uncle: Are you crazy? You have to be safe. What about social distancing, Steve?

Steven: I'm not going to get sick. I'm not old.

Uncle: Yeah you can, you idiot. You're not going. Hashtag go home, I mean stay home.

I was like 🙄

I'm thinking about giving up my life and movimg to India to be a standup comedian, but I'm nervous, it would be my first Punjobi. I Khan't get very far without knowing much about Sikhing this kind of work, so if you could be my reference and Singh my praises, that would be great, I'm just sick of working in a Deli.

I was 14 or something I just got off of school so I'm sitting on the couch as per usual and my dad walks in looking stressed the fuck out. "Hey, I think I gotta go to the vet..." I start slightly panicking but I'm curious so I ask, "why?" He proceeds to give me direct eye contact, flex his muscles and say, "CAUSE THESE PUPPIES ARE SICK!!!" then walks out of the room, proud as can fucking be.

Hey guys. As I'm sure most of you know, it's currently Thanksgiving in Canada. This time of year for me has, in the past, caused a lot of issues in my life.

To give a little bit of background on me, I'm usually an extremely healthy and fit guy, as I play high-level sports and have a physically demanding job. However, for much of my life, my willpower began to crumble around this time of year.

I first started taking my diet seriously when I was about 12 years old. I had some kind of realization where like, I dunno, I started looking at how jacked these movie stars were and was all, "wow, I want to be that cool too." Judging by the bowl cut I had when I was 12, my perception of cool may have been a little skewed, but I digress.

Anyhow, it was my first Thanksgiving where everything started falling apart. One of my relative's families ended up no-showing for dinner, so we were left with a load of Thanksgiving leftovers. For the next week, every single meal or snack I had was Thanksgiving themed. Sandwich? Turkey sandwich. Breakfast? Let's dollop some cranberry sauce on that bad boy. By the next week, my BGC (blood gravy content) was probably at like 1.0%.

You'd think I'd be sick of holiday food after that. But no. I loved it.

The tradition of refrigerated Thanksgiving snacks continued throughout the rest of my teen years. Like clockwork, the numbers on the scale would significantly jump upwards in October, with Halloween candy adding an extra layer of calories on top. By the time I reached 17, my waist had begun noticeably ballooning, and I realized it was all due to Thanksgiving turkey. Sure, I had some at Christmas and sometimes at Easter, but never like that. My mother would encourage this habit, making more food each year to be stuffed into our packed refrigerator.

The movie star bod I wanted for so much at the age of 12 was slipping a way. I needed to put an end to this.

Flash forward to October 2015, age 18. I had made a vow: I never again would place such putrid poultry onto my tastebuds. And ever since that fateful week of 2014, my vow had held true.

Each Thanksgiving, I can feel that craving for chilled turkey knocking on the refrigerator door of my fragile ego. For three years, I've held strong. But when will the garrison fall? When will that soft, biting flesh of the big bird smash it's way back into my life.

But so far, I've quit cold turkey.

Babysitting my niece in this heat I wanted to be nice and go out for ice cream. So, I start off with "Hey.. I was thinking.." and before I could finish this 6-year old says "Yeah I thought I smelled something burning", without ever looking up.

The sick irony is that I read this one online and was saving it to roast her. I'm proud, but sad. Of course that doesn't mean my campaign of horrid jokes came to an end!

Therapist: So why do you want to end your marriage?

Mom: I'm sick of all of the Star Wars puns.

Dad: Divorce is strong with this one.

So I'm watching TV with my daughters. A Saint Jude commercial comes on and shows a bunch of sick kids dying of cancer... both of my daughters let out a compassionate "Awe.."

Me: Hey girls, do you realize how many more kids in America were diagnosed with cancer during the time it took to watch that commercial?

Daughters: Oh my God... I don't even what to think about it! How many?

Me: Tumor.

I yelled, "No mom! I'm so sick of your gelt trips!"

I'm not usually one for bars, but since the smoking ban in Illinois, they're not so bad. I'm not much of a drinker either, but this one place in particular offers free soft drinks for designated drivers of groups of three or more. You have to get them from a location separate from the bartender. You declare yourself upon entering the place, then your hand is marked, and from that point, you're not allowed alcohol, but you get the free soft drinks.

Their specialty is their own brand of a mixed fruit drink that's really good. It's popular enough that you're usually standing behind six or seven people to wait your turn. So, Saturday night, while I'm waiting for mine, this cute blonde walks up behind me. I figured I'd try to be witty and asked her, "Can I buy you a drink?"

She scowled at me with, "Well aren't you the funny one?"

"What's with the attitude?" I asked her.

"Sorry," she said. "It's them." And she thumbed toward a table with (would you believe it?) a brunette and a redhead.

"Why?" I asked. "What'd they do?"

"I'm just getting sick of it," she said. "Every time we come here, it's always me in the punch line."

This an old one. One time I was sick when I was a kid so I went to see a doctor, who happened to be my aunt. Anyway, after I'm done I meet up with my dad in the waiting room. Me: Looks like I got a throat infection, Dad. Him (looking at prescription slip): I know, I see she's prescribed you some AUNTI-biotics

Groaned all the way to the pharmacy.

I was eating some left over casserole from earlier in the week.

>Me: "You want me to warm you up some?"

>Her: "No, I dont trust it. I'm waiting to see if you get sick before I eat it." (she got food poisoning from some bad chicken a few weeks ago)

>Me: "Fair choice, I don't work till monday so I have some time to work through it if it's bad."

>Her: "Yeah, I thought eating it might be a little hairy."

>Me: "There wasnt any hair growing yet, I checked"

>Her: "..."

"The look" she gave me was more satisfying than I expected.

We belong to a Hindu family.

Sister: Mom, I don't feel so good.

Mother: What's wrong?

Sister: I'm sick.

Father: No, you're Hindu. What is wrong with you?

Muffled laughter and audible groans were heard.

So i get downstairs around 06:45AM this morning. Dad's standing in the kitchen, fidgeting around with something. Mind you, he had been sick the past week or so. Dad: "G'morning. How are you?" Me: "Not too shabby, you?" I prepare my breakfast as he responds "Eh, I'm too smart." I wonder if I understood what he was saying correctly, so i ask him to repeat what he said, and he goes "I'm too smart." once again. I keep thinking to myself "WTF man?" He then turns around with a package of these in his hand: http://imgur.com/OMXu5r9 "I have to take retard pills." I give him the classical "really dad" look, after which he said "That was [morally] bad, don't tell anyone."

Jokes on you dad.

So I was going to go home sick and they need to talk to a parent to make sure it's ok(even though I'm 18 which is dumb.) so I get my dad on the phone and here's what happened.

Secretary: "hello this is dad?"

My dad: "Hi dad this is Joe."

Me and the secretary died laughing and I had to assure her that my dad isn't usually that dumb.

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

I'm so c sick.

My roommate was coughing and her boyfriend asked if she was sick. She said no, she was just coughy. Boyfriend said he thought she was more of a tea person.

I'm so proud because I'm usually the one with the Dad jokes around here!

I asked a co-worker how he was feeling and he said, just ducky. So I asked another one what animal she is today and she told us that she's a kitten. When the third heard that he said she must be feeling a little sick.

I replied, "don't you mean that she's 'feline a little sick?'"

I'm not allowed to talk to people now.