In spite of all our disagreements on Reddit, I’m glad about one thing.
Every one reading this is on the same page.
Edit: Thanks guys. This is way too much love.
I’m both proud and ashamed of this one.
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
I always say "hi tired, I'm dad", but I got one upped tonight.
I said my goodnights but in return I got "Are you a broom?"
"I'm sorry, what?"
"You look sweepy"
Not much attention but I'm proud enough of this one I came up with that I thought you may enjoy.
Relevant image on the post in which I made the joke:
https://imgur.com/gallery/6RjUUBx
I'm sorry, but I'm extremely proud of this one, and nobody in the chat found it funny =(
I'm holding a 17th Century Party, and all the Enlightenment thinkers can swing by - except one.
A lumberjack was out cutting down trees in the forest one day. He went to swing his axe and the tree screamed "WAIT! I'M A TALKING TREE!!!!"
The lumberjack looked up at the tree and paused saying "well, you may be a talking tree, but I'll see that you die a log!"
Sorry if old, one of my favorites. I'm new. Be nice.
It is a well-known fact that William Tell and some members of his family were members of a bowling league. Unfortunately all the records from back then have disappeared so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
I’m sure everyone’s heard this one but, it’s still one of my favorites. “Daddy, I’m Thirsty.”
“Hello, Thirsty. I’m Friday, come over Saturday and we’ll have a Sundae.”
(Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun)
Been a dad 5 mo, so I’m a little new to this... Hit my wife with this one tonight at dinner.
Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad.
Wife: What are you thinking?
Me: Business casual.
I'm tired of the bye-lingual pun. Why aren't there any try-lingual ones?
I’m not wrong on this one.
I’m just gonna leave this one here
Hi, I'm Poseidon. Just had to share this. I'm so proud of my boy. He's already working on his Christmas cards for this year, and I walked by and noticed what he was writing in each one.
I'm sticking my neck out on this one
I'm so annoyed, one of my favorite socks got a hole worn through the toe.
I’m strictly a one liner comedian
I only perform on the Queen Mary.
I'm pretty proud of this one
My family always say I'm the stubborn one,
But I refuse to believe it.
My father was an electrical engineer. I'm not one, but I like to work with electronics.
I'm trying to compose my first haiku, but so far can only write one line.
I feel like I'm gonna choke a person one of these days by joking at the dinner table
And then get jailed for 12 months just for a man's laughter.
I’m taking a punt on this one
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the other ones were at least sevens or eights”.
I'm a big fan of the one night stand
Two just make my bedroom look cluttered
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she had ever slept with.
She said “Yes.... all the other guys were nines or tens”
I heard a good one today but now I'm drawing a blank...
I always hated my step-dad growing up. Now that I'm a dad myself, I can totally one-up him with DAD JOKES!
I'm a primary school teacher and one of my kids got me in the lols with this one today... what's a witch's favorite subject?
Whenever I see one of those police composite drawings I’m like woah
I was in a cab one time and got curious. I asked the cabbie if he liked his job. He said, “Oh sure. I’m out of the house, away from my nagging wife and I don’t have anyone telling me what to do.”
I told him, “Turn right at the next corner.”
I'm getting one for the house
Pardon me if I’m squeaking by with an old one.
I’m not sure, which one would be more enjoyable.
Scheduled my vasectomy today, and my wife will be recovering from our last baby. I’m sure no one will find this as funny as I did.
I'm closing one eye, down this water slide...
Winking in a water wonderland!
When I tell my friends that I wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit, they think I’m joking.
But that’s just my two scents.
I’m feeling a strong connection with this one
I'm not going to explain this one
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