Why do so many people hook up drunk?

Beauty must really be in the eye of the beerholder

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πŸ‘€︎ u/invisible_being
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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A girl trying to hook up with a mathematician took an algebra class to impress him

It's the thot that counts

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gnar_owl
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
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A boxer was throwing nothing but right hooks at a punching bag. Trainer walks up and says "what gives?"

Boxer says "I'm exercising my rights"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeverShan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2017
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Trying to hook up on tinder, but you are 5'4?

Just act like you belong

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mcpurp
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
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I tried to hook my sister, Dorothy, up with my co-worker who’s also named Dorothy

But I couldn’t connect the Dots

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boonsnaba
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
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What comes from unprotected casual hook-ups?

Netflix & chilldren

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YVRJon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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Where do single chocolate bars go to hook-up?

Kinder.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dens382
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
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A lot of the girls i hook up with like kissing in the rain

But those are just my shower thots

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Det_Wun_Gai
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
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How does Capt. Hook wake up in the morning?

He uses an alarm croc!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoctisAlam
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2018
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A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it's really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
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Apple should make a dating/hook-up app for Muslims...

...and call it iSlam.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/necromancer9
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2013
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I tried to get my two positively-charged friends to hook up

But there was just no attraction

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ginolard
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2017
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Hey all, don't forget to hook up your Deep Fryer today.

Cause today is Fry Day.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kingdomdude
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2014
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My GF stopped me from hanging up my cardigan on a hook

GF: If you hang your cardigan like that you might put a hole in it!

ME: It actually already has a couple holes in it.

She starts frantically examining the cardigan for holes.

GF: Where?!

ME: Where my arms go through!

Nothing beats the groan of disapproval after successfully landing a dad joke.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slothboyck
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2014
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Hook me up!

Every time I walk by this "Liquor" fire department connection at Costco I have to fight the urge to make a "hook me up" joke to anyone within earshot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kicksoda
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2014
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I hooked up a spooky mind control device to a windowblind making machine

Just thinking about it makes me shutter

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkstarman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.

Now it's a rocking chair.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DestroyatronMk8
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Hooked me up for a while.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RajuNeupane
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
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Rick Harris hooked up with this girl using his brother Neil's pick-up line...

The questions is, will Neil Patrick Harris on the back?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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What did the phone say to the radio when they got hooked up?

This is AUXhilarating

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbyv69
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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Told my neighbor, jenny, she was hooking up with the wrong guy... he's a jackass...

She laughed, "hee haw!" The farmer said, "she can't understand ya... she's a donkey!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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What's it called when 2 potatoes are hooking up?

MASHING!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kolshpa
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2019
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My wife was hooking our daughter up in her car seat....

And while I was waiting, I was standing on the front lawn beside the car absent-mindedly swinging a golf club (to test my sore shoulder). Daughter starts freaking out because she thinks I'm not coming. My wife tells her not to worry, Daddy's driving. And I told her "actually, it's a wedge."

πŸ‘︎ 522
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πŸ‘€︎ u/laughing_pug
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2016
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Hooked up with a girl who worked at a Subaru dealership...

She gave me an STI.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2015
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I once caught a fish with a hundred dollar bill in its mouth.

I know this story may sound a little fishy, some of you may even consider it a whale of a tale, but if you take it in tide I’m sure you’ll sea the porpoise isn’t me just beingkoi or * squidding* around or fishing for attention; it was shrimply an act of cod that I’m hooked on sharing with others. If it reely makes anyone crabby or puts me on thin ice, just let minnow and I’ll gladly clam up. I’d hate to see this sub flounder or take a dive because of my own shellfish ambitions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MC_Minnow
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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Necrophiliacs love it when...

...they can hook up with some body.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaenHoffiCoffi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
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My son is driving my wife and I crazy.

My boy, Arthur, is slow. He is the slowest child I’ve ever met. And I don’t mean mentally, he just doesn’t move quickly at all no matter what the urgency.

He takes an hour to get out of bed and stand up in the morning. He takes an hour to eat. When we go anywhere we have to tell him 20 minutes in advance because he takes that long to get his shoes on. His showers…we had to install an industrial sized water heater and hook it up to his shower exclusively because he would drain the tank and shower in ice cold water and started getting sick from it.

The worst part is that even if you help him out he doesn’t go faster. We can feed him and he’ll just swallow slower. We can wash him and he’ll just sit there for longer.

I’ve learned to live with it and be content because I know he won’t change. But my wife can’t take it. Just the other day she told me she was going to punish him to make him go quicker:

β€œI’ve had it with him! I’m going to start giving him timeouts and taking away toys for going so slow!”

β€œHoney,” I said, β€œit’ll never work.”

β€œWhy not?!”

β€œBecause you can’t rush Art.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bunselpower
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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The Pirate (Long)

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?" "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night." "That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night." "Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?" "Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flyingfrig
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
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Mashup pun needed

I’m headed to a Halloween mashup party this weekend and I need a costume - think β€œEggs and Hamlet” or β€œBrokeback Mountain Dew” or β€œZom-bee” - I felt like the reddit pun world might be able to hook me up - any suggestions?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rockStree
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
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Maybe the Best Dad Jokester Ever. R.I.P. John Witherspoon

On Oct. 29, 2019, the world lost a legend. Esteemed actor and comedian, John "Pops" Witherspoon, passed away at the age of 77. After making his acting debut on The Richard Pryor Show in 1977, Witherspoon starred in cultural classics like Good Times, House Party, I'm Gonna Git You Sucka, Bebe's Kids, Boomerang, Soul Plane, I Got the Hook-Up, The Wayans Bros, all three of the revered Friday movies and many more. https://4ormypeople.com/mood/2019/10/30/rip-john-pops-witherspoon

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yadadameannn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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Getting a printer

For our anniversary my wife requested a printer/scanner. After doing some research I tell her that Brother would be a good brand to get.

"The one I'm looking at is black. That's a little bit racists, right?" Her face doesn't change, an indication that the joke failed and just to move on.

So she asks me if the printer has cables.

"Nope! It works through the wifi so you won't have to worry about wires! You can even print stuff from your phone!"

"Oh. So doesn't that mean I can't hook a Brother up?"

I was so proud of her.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kupy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2016
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I went into the butchers today...

And all the meat was on hooks attached to the ceiling. I said "why's all the meat up there"

He replied "we are having a game today, if you can jump up and touch any of the meat you can have it for free. Want a try?"

I said "no, the steaks are too high"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Moist_Milky
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
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Everyone is in a relationship these days

Even derricks are hooked up

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
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My wife is currently in the hospital having contractions.

They hooked up the monitoring belt to her and I asked the nurse if the sensors could send data to my phone. She said no, but I was really hoping for push notifications.

πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brewchacki
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2016
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Fishing for puns

I was going to write a fishing pun, but couldn't find the right line... I asked a mate for help, but that turned into a debait... I tried casting my mind back to when I last heard a fishing pun, but that didn't reely work... If you're also hooked on puns and can help me out, I'd love to sea what fishing stories you can drag up!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PunnyGifts
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2016
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Fell out of bed laughing at sexytime dadjoke

Roommate (Context: we just started hooking up) comes home from work. Comes upstairs and hangs out watching movies until sexytime ensues.

After sexytime she gets up and says "S*** I'm late, I need to go" so I ask "Where are you going?" she replies "I was supposed to meet my friends an hour ago, but I got Dick-stracted."

I proceeded to fall out of the bed laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeaDHatchi
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2015
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A play on words

Play on words: Sexually frustrated sea mammals

     I'm Russ Whale. My wife Bayleen a few months ago gave birth to our first calf, Humphrey. I convinced my mother-in-law to whale watch tonight. It's been far too long. I drop off Humphrey and head home to hook up with the wife. 

I arrive and who do I sealion there? The wife. I'm undeterred. I try my patented move, the Humpback. I get a slight groan.

Bayleen: Rus, Are you poking me in the back again?

Rus: It's on porpoise. We're alone for the first time in forever.

Bayleen: I'm so tired, I haven't got any sleep with Humphrey making me into a nurse shark. Plus you smell like ambergris.

Rus: Hamburgers?

Bayleen: Yes, hamburgers. Please go take a shower or something.

Rus: Ok.

Rus takes a quick shower and returns. Bayleen is asleep again. Rus tries the humpback maneuver again. Nothing.

Rus: Sometimes... I wish I was a sperm whale.

Rus is slightly blubbering and and all you can make outs is odd noises and maybe the word 'blowhole'. Rus cries himself to sleep.

Fin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dyspaereunia
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2016
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My son had an ingrown toenail treated.

The doctor's office was associated with the local medical college, so there were a couple of med students watching the senior doctor work on my son's toe. He loaded up a syringe with anesthetic and injected in multiple places, explaining that he was doing this to achieve digital blocking (that is, numbing the entire digit, namely the toe).

After it was done they left the nurse to bandage my son up, and he said, "Dad? What did he mean by digital blocking?"

"Well, when you weren't looking he hooked your toe up to a USB port and downloaded some MP3s into it. If you hold your foot close to your ear you can hear "Laaaaa, aaaaa aa aaaaah, close to you.""

The nurse stared at me and turned to my son. "Is he always like this?"

He silently nodded, looking at the floor...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oldforger
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2015
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