Someone asked me to name 2 structures that hold water.

I was like, well damn.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Papiys
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2021
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Me to my teen age daughter in the grocery store while I hold a melon.

β€œYou cantaloupe! Your too young”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FroshPresident
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
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A guy walks into his doctors office saying, β€œHelp me, doctor, I’m shrinking.” β€œHold on,” says the doctor,

β€œBe a little patient.”

πŸ‘︎ 735
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
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My 6yo holds a slice of red pepper up to my face and breaks it towards me. Me: β€œUgh, what did you do that for. You got me all wet.”

β€œThat was pepper spray.”

Got me!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gorescittmore
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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A guy told me he’d give me $5 if I could tell him two things that hold water. I though for a minute then said....

Well dam.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotJustAmy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
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My friend asked me if I could name two different structures that hold water.

I said, "Well, dam..."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
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I'm not able to hold 5 gallons of gasoline in me...

...but Jerry can.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThyNameIsP
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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someone told me to hold my horses, and I got upset.

Then I realized they just want me to be stable.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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I hired a firm to create an advertising campaign for me. Their idea was to use workbench clamps to hold the ads up for viewing.

I think that's just bad ad vise.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
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Women really know how to hold grudges over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.

All I got was 6 years for armed robbery

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.

I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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When ever someone asks me to hold the door for them.

I keep it closed like my life depended on it.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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Yesterday a Clown hold the door for me.

It was a nice jester!

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2016
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Some people ask me why I never hold a grudge.

I’ve always hated those people.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2018
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When people hold the door open for me

I think it's adoorable.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheWhaleMan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2013
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Hold on let me get my glasses imgur.com/9g7XFki
πŸ‘︎ 122
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iampikachu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2013
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Hold me tight
πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikiekwoods
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2013
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Like a demonic possession, this joke took a hold of me this morning and would not let go. I'm sorry.

The CIA had changed its recruiting practices, what with all the recent leaks and other problems. So Mr. Johnson was more than a little surprised to see a pine tree, which was dressed in a rather nice suit, waiting outside his office when he arrived at 9 am. He asked his secretary, "Gladys, who is this?"

"Mr. Johnson, this is Mr. Cone, our newest hire. He wanted to talk with you about the Honduras assignment."

Mr. Johnson spoke to Mr. Cone in his office. His new pine tree colleague was very knowledgeable and well-spoken, but there was something about him that threw Mr. Johnson off. He tried to dismiss his concerns as imaginary, but it gnawed at him all through the morning. He barely touched his lunch, as some of the things Mr. Cone had said were still swirling around and around in his mind. He was sure something was wrong, so he went in to see the head of their office branch, Mr. Smith.

"Johnson! Come right in, come right in," said Mr. Smith, puffing on a cigar. Mr. Johnson poured himself a tumbler of whiskey and sipped at it nervously.

"You're being rather quiet today, Johnson. Tell me, what's troubling you?"

"It's just this new guy, Mr. Cone," Mr. Johnson said carefully, staring at the bottom of his whiskey glass. "Are we sure we know him as well as we think we do?"

Mr. Smith took only a small puff from his cigar before letting his hand rest back on his desk. "Now really, Johnson," he sighed, "you're a good agent. Your caution has served you well in the past, but paranoia doesn't look so good on you. Mr. Cone has the most impressive resumΓ© I've seen come across my desk in the last fifteen years. I've personally had him vetted by the best men in the business. He's going to be an asset to this office."

That was the response Mr. Johnson had been afraid of getting, but he continued to press his cause. "I understand that, sir. It's just that I'm getting the strangest feeling from this Cone fellow. Don't you think he's a little too perfect? A little too well-qualified?"

Mr. Smith stopped smoking his cigar altogether. A distant look came into his eyes as he mulled over the possibilities. "You don't suppose--"

"Yes," said Mr. Johnson, "I think he's a plant."

Note: I'm a mom, not a dad, but I'm pretty sure I only thought of this because my father-in-law tortures me with these kinds of stories almost constantly.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Larny-Arny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2014
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Hold on, let me say one thing

one thing

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MisterKeto
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2015
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Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water.

I was like.. well, damn!

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/treylanford
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2021
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Someone asked me to name 2 structures that hold water.

I was like well damn.

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Branith
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water

I was like well damn.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scaulbylausis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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Someone asked me to name 2 structures that hold water.

I was like well damm

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stalingrad420
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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Someone asked me to name 2 structures that hold water.

I was like well damn.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scottspears89
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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Women really know how to hold a grudge over the simpelest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue

It's been a week and she's still not talking to me

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Obsidi3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
🚨︎ report

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