Dark jokes my 10 year old hit me with part 2: penguins are alot like kids

Both can fly if you throw them hard enough

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamerJoe85
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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Seismologists predict a 9.2 magnitude earthquake will hit the Horn of Africa region.

It will really shake Djibouti.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Historyguy1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
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I almost Hit 2 Domestic Chickens Having Sex in the Middle of the Road Today...

It was fowl

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DraiderGaming
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2013
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Aunt and Dad hit us with the 1, 2 punch

My aunt texted my mom "did you hear about the kidnapping at school?" And my mom was talking to us wondering which school my aunt was referring to. Then my aunt responds:

"It's okay, he woke up."

Noooooo. My mom tells my dad what my aunt said and pointed at my mom's foot and then his leg and said "Corn knee."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yessadobbyisfree
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2015
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A long time bachelor met a girl in a bar with a glass eye.

As she sat down next to him her glass eye fell to the floor next to his stoll. He picked it up and handed it back to her.

They chatted all night and hit it off pretty well and eventually started dating.

One day while lying in bed, he turns to her and asks:

"Why me? Out of all the guys that were at the bar that night, why did you choose me?"

She looked at him surprised and said:

"Well, you caught my eye."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealitiesOfWar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
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I stood in the park wondering why a frisbee gets larger when it gets closer

Then it hit me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/willem640
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
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You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?

Probably not, they've never had a hit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dotFuture
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get hit by a car. I bet you didn’t see that one coming!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlickHeadSinger
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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I never understood why people say that a tennis ball hurts so bad.

Then it hit me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RioZX
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
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I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger and bigger

then it hit me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/007194
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
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Just some puns

1: I had a crazy dream last night! I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea. 2: Can February March? No, but April May. 3: I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. 4: Never trust an atom, they make up everything! 5: Β I made a pun about the wind but it blows. 6: I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off! 7: What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabee! 8: Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink! 9: I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ricardo_my_man
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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I replaced our bed with a king-sized trampoline.

When she finds out, my wife is going to hit the roof.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
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I just read an article about a German stealth division from WWII that never had a single casualty

Guess it’s true what they say, you can not hit what you can Nazi

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πŸ‘€︎ u/turkyman3
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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What do you call a tiny pie in a cockpit?

A pie-let.

My 10yo son hit me with this one this morning (because it's pi-day). I'm so proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joeythesaint
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

It didn't it got hit by a truck ..

Inspires by another terrific joke...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tandian
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
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Tiger Woods was in a car accident this morning...

I heard he hit a birdie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FroshPresident
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
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Cow jokes that are great for making your kids' eyes roll :

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef!

What do you call a cow after it gives birth? De-calf-enated!

Did you hear about that cow that jumped over a barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction.

(After they beg you to stop, hit them with: "Ok, it's time too mooooove on to some different jokes. These cow jokes are getting udderly ridiculous.")

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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I yelled β€œCOW” at a woman on a bike.

She flipped me off then hit the cow.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
A man was walking along a stream..

... when he noticed that every shoot growing put of the ground was a four leaf shamrock. There were millions of them, spread out along both banks.

Being superstitious, the man assumed the place must be somehow imbued with an extraordinary amount of luck.

He sought out the owner of the land, and promptly bought it, spending everything he had to do so.

His plan was to build a small house at the site and thereby ensure he would be surrounded by good fortune for the rest of his life.

Sadly, while lifting smooth river stones to create the foundation of his dream home, he slipped on some mud, hit his head on a stone, was knocked unconscious, tumbled into the water, and drowned.

This conclusively proved to the townsfolk, that the location was not lucky at all.

The moral of this story?

Don't judge a brook by it's clover.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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Dustin Hoffman gets chosen for a role of playing an much older Joaquin Phoenix.

In one particular scene he’s strolling down a busy street in NYC and a taxi almost hits him. He slams the hood of the taxi and yells

Hey I’m Joaquin here!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dyspaereunia
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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An American man went to Germany for a vacation.

As he arrived, he decided to go fishing, so he did. But tragedy struck and his boat hit a rock, making a hole. The man, as anyone would do, called the coast guard and yelled "IM SINKING IM SINKING!"

the German Coast Guard casually replied, "what are you sinking about?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pidgeon-eater-69
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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Remotely Yours

So we had this issue yesterday where secure shell commands were failing from our newly enabled backup system to a downstream application.

I logged in manually using the correct credentials to confirm the keys were fine, but I noticed it was the first time in known hosts, so i typed β€œyes” to put the entry in and figured that would fix it.

When the problem came back today, I was surprised at first, but then it hit me...

Same ssh -t different server...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KCandIO
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
my friend said to post this.

My brother got hit by a truck yesterday, he was sent to the hospital. He got his both arms and legs amputated. He's now my halfbrother.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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Oman! You’re about to read some terrible stuff.

β€œI live in Spain without the β€˜s’”.

This inspired me to come up with some truly terrible country-related jokes.

It’s about to Bahrain jokes without the β€œBah”.

  1. I have a double China without the β€œa”.

  2. Some people have told me that I look a lot like a German without the β€œan”.

  3. Oman, I think that one conspiracy about Israel Israel.

  4. You all probably want to hit me with Japan without the β€œJ”.

  5. You probably can’t Kuwait to stop reading these without the β€œKu”.

  6. Nowadays, car companies are focusing on making electric cars, but I Madagascar.

  7. As you’ve probably guessed, I don’t even have one Nepal without the β€œNe”.

All of these bad jokes made me Hungary so Iran to the nearest shop to get some food. Why am I always India-r need of food?

I sincerely apologise, fellow people. These jokes probably left a painful Denmark on your souls without the β€œDen”, of course.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/anipanreads
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A little story of a dadjoke that drove my wife crazy

When we were Christmas shopping for our kids, we went to target. After walking around for a while I got bored and eventually found a bouncy ball. It was a small inflatable basketball about tennis ball sized and being inflated instead of solid rubber, it made a louder noise when it hit the ground.

We were walking around and I was bouncing the ball. My wife got visibly irritated at the constant noise following her around and told me to please put it down. I bounced it again and said "I'm trying, but every time I do, it comes back up into my hand"

Que the groan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Piratey_Pirate
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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Don't trust your digestive system...

It's full of $hit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I became a father today, but no dad jokes are coming to me. I’m pretty bummed.

Luckily the neighbor hit me with a few good jokes as we got home! Cheered me right up!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Po1sonator
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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Love the new cat band Mewtallica

Especially their hit song, Enter Sandbox.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
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A gambler visited rain forests every day and ended up getting penile cancer

I guess he was hitting the wrong sloths

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hadios10
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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Why do fighter pilots hate playing golf?

They keep hitting bogeys.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WW2historynut
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
My kids were disgusted. As I choked with laughter.

Sitting down having dinner with my wife and girls (1,3,4) and my three year old says β€œDo you know what my baby does?!” And she made her doll do a backflip on the table. And almost as if instinct, I said β€œwell do you know what my baby does?! MY BABY TAKES THE MORNING TRAIN...” and I hit them with the whole of Sheena Eastons song during dinner.

It was perfect.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OldManMarc88
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
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The dictator liked the drink...

it hit despot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shouldExist
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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What do you call a boomerang that doesn't return, no matter how you throw it?

I don't know, but I'm tired of getting hit with these bananas!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jollyflyingcactus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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So proud of my 6 year old. While teaching her to hit a softball, I told her to β€œsquare up on the ball”

She replied β€œthe ball is round daddy” (with a straight face) So I tell her β€œno, what I mean is, get mad! I want you to hit the ball really hard like if you were mad at it!”

She grabs the ball, stares right at it and says β€œI’M REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, BALL!” Then throws it right back at me.

Proud dad moment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Itsjorgehernandez
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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A man was walking g down the street...

When out of nowhere, he gets hit by a car and flipped over. A woman came running over as he was lying on the sidewalk, takes off her jacket and slides it u der his head.

"Are you comfortable?" The woman asked

"Meh, I make a living." He replied.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smoffatt34920
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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Dad joked by an 81-year-old woman

I had an elderly patient today who was visibly upset, almost to the point of tears. I asked her if she was worried about having her blood drawn and she said that the blood draw didn’t bother her, but that she was upset because she had hit a cat with her car on the way to her appointment this morning. She said that she didn’t know who the cat belonged to and that she had it wrapped up in a blanket in her car. I asked her how badly the cat was hurt and she said β€œI think he’s going to be alright. I just clipped the hind end of him, but his tail is just barely hanging on. After I leave here, I’m taking him straight to Wal-Mart.”

I told her that she might be better off taking the cat to a veterinary clinic instead of Wal-Mart and she said, β€œbut it’s just his tail, and Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in North America!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doc_Hooligan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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Andy was frustrated.

His wife always complained that he wasn't good enough in bed and that she wasn't satisfied. He went to the local bar to get a drink and cool off for a bit. On reaching the bar, he ordered a beer and sat down. His friend, Mike saw him sitting alone and walked up to him. He asked Andy what happened to which Andy told him the situation. Mike said that he had a simple trick which never failed and told Andy to hit his meat on the bedpost three times before sex. Andy rushed home to perform this trick. He saw that his wife was lying on the bed with the lights off. Slowly he took off his pants and hit his meat three times on the bedpost. Dum, dum, dum. His wife immediately woke up and shouted, "Mike, is that you?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ginks_21
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Recently I've been doing some investigative journalism on hammers..

It's some real hard hitting stuff..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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At my book club, I wondered why they were throwing Stephen King novels around.

Then IT hit me!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger

Then it hit me

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jerilishous
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
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I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger

Then it hit me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EviL-FeaR
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger...

Then it hit me.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dragon_librarian4
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger

And then it hit me.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wilhelmfart
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger,

then it hit me

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report

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