High Kick! Puns

We were driving to the fireworks celebration in town as Bad Company's "Feel Like Making Love" played on the radio.

> Hey, if I worked as a manager at a glove factory, I would would ask new employees if they 🎶 Feel like makin' gloves?!? 🎶

Of course I couldn't let it go, so I followed it up with:

> If I worked at an aviary that specialized in dove procreation, I would ask my co-workers each morning if they 🎶 Feel like makin' doves?!? 🎶

The wife thought it was funny.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

Greeting, I'm the MC at a small high school soccer banquet this evening and need some humor help. I play rugby and my son plays soccer so any little digs I can get about that would be helpful too. We are American and I don't know any pro soccer player so please refrain on specific players. Thanks in advance.

I was on a very nice boat party with my friend, his father and a group of their high class friends. We were in lake Pontchartrain in New Orleans, and one of the elitist sailors was trying to determine if I was seaworthy and see if I even knew where I was.

I said "Sure thing", started pointing left "over there is the port of New Orleans", now pointing to the right "and over here is the starboard of New Orleans".

My friend's dad heard the joke, and while laughing a bit he told me "One more bad joke and I'm kicking you off". To which I replied, "You're right, I should have let the opportunity sail away."

Got a little high and went golfing. Was kicked off the course for taking too long putting. They said, "too much time on the green'.

My sister is a teacher at a private high school for kids with learning and behavior difficulties. She just texted me for help with a funny slogan about spreading cheer and kicking ass.

Basically, each student "adopted" a teacher and they're going to do some sort of obstacle course. They're Santa's helpers, and have hats, shirts, and swords. She just came up with this idea at the last minute and would like help thinking of a punny tagline.

Any ideas?