A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender asks, "Hey, what's with the paper towel?"
The pirate says, "Argh, I've got a Bounty on me head!"
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︎ Nov 11 2020
Hey dad did you get a haircut?
No son I got them all cut!
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︎ Feb 05 2021
Hey what are your plans for Valentine's day? -Us singles be like :
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︎ Feb 11 2021
Little Johnny has diarrhoea and asks his mom, "Hey mom, do you have Viagra?" The mom goes, "What? What on Earth do you need that for?" "Well, isn't that what you give dad when his shit doesn't get hard?"
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︎ Jan 23 2021
Dude 1: βHey bro?β Dude 2: βYeah bro?β Dude 1: βCan you hand me that pamphlet?β
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︎ Sep 25 2020
βHey, how much wood have you chopped so far?β
βNot sure. Let me check the logs.β
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︎ Jan 04 2021
Hey girl!! Are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you everyday.
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︎ Dec 08 2020
"Hey Dad, Go to Sleep!"
No son, I'm resisting-a-rest.
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︎ Feb 16 2021
Hey.
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︎ Nov 28 2020
Hey MC Snow, your wifeβs package has been delivered.
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︎ Feb 16 2021
At a barbeque: Hey, who wants a burger?
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︎ Jan 12 2021
Hey Dad, you wanna come to Yoga class with me?
Dad: Namaste home instead
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︎ Dec 28 2020
hey did you hear about the new shovel?
you: no
me: what, it's groundbreaking!
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︎ Jan 22 2021
"Hey, look at that flock of cows!"
"Herd."
"What?"
"Herd of cows."
"Of course I've heard of cows, there's a flock of them right there!"
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︎ Dec 19 2020
Hey! Did you see that snail-shaped car with the letter S painted on it drive by?
Just look at that escargo.
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︎ Jan 05 2021
Hey did you ever hear about the psychic that only gives you good news?
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︎ Feb 02 2021
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
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︎ Jan 04 2021
Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping?
Don't worry, he's awake now.
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︎ Jan 21 2021
I was driving absentmindedly and my wife suddenly said, βHey, you missed a right!β
I said, βThanks babe. You Mrs. Right!β
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︎ Dec 08 2020
So proud of my 3 year old daughter... her first dad joke. βHey Dad, why did the duck cross the road?β
Because the chicken had the day off.
Neither my wife or I have any idea where she heard this. And she isnβt divulging her sources. Hilarious.
Edit: The first joke sheβs told in general. And happened to be a dad joke. :-)
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︎ Oct 01 2020
My son, apparently an 7yo dad says to me... " Hey dad, what's the alien say to the cat?"
"Take me to your litter"
He's been working on his joke game. V.proud.
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︎ Jan 02 2021
Dad, hey can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?
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︎ Oct 31 2020
Hey, did you hear about the 2 blind Cyclopos?
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︎ Jan 20 2021
Two extraordinarily large horses were sitting at the bar having a beer. Guy walks in and says to the bartender. "Hey, what's with the Clydesdales?" Bartender says,
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︎ Jan 11 2021
Me: Hey, Dad, is that a man standing next to an igloo over there?
Dad: It's just an Aleutian.
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︎ Dec 30 2020
Hey Sir, police jokes arenβt funny!
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︎ Jan 06 2021
Hey dad, can we stop at the casino at the next exit?
Dad: Sure, why?
Son: I need to go to the bathroom and the sign says they have the best craps in the state.
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︎ Dec 22 2020
Hey, deer balls just lowered in price.
Now theyβre under a buck.
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︎ Dec 11 2020
"Hey Dad, what's the capital of Australia?"
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︎ Nov 27 2020
I got dad joked by my 3 year old daughter at dinner today: "Hey do you have a bun?" I asked her.
"NO I WANT A WHOLE BUN"
She's well on her way to being the dad I never had
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︎ Nov 19 2020
Called my local restaurant for reservation. Hey are you guys open for reservations? They replied four to nine today
Looks like they are too busy today
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︎ Jan 06 2021
My 10 year old son said, βHey Dad, do you know why I want to shoot a hog?β
βSo we can have hamburgers!β
He was serious but it still cracked me up.
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︎ Jan 02 2021
Hey Reddit, Wanna hear a joke about time travel?
Never mind. Yβall didnβt like it.
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︎ Dec 03 2020
My 8-year old ran past me and I shouted to her: "Hey, you lost something!"
She stops and ask "What?"
- "Your speed!"
She glares at me and says: "Dad, you lost something!"
- "What?"
- "Your hair!"
Oof.
True story.
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︎ Sep 21 2020
My boyfriend told me as I walked in βhey donβt be alarmed but the toilet is smokingβ. Concerned, I walked into the bathroom and found this:
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︎ Sep 01 2020
Hey guess what!
Iβll be seeing yβall next year
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︎ Dec 31 2020
My neighbour asked me βHey, how much wood did you chop today?β
I said, βNot sure. Let me check the logs.β
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︎ Sep 26 2020
A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey! We don't serve your kind here!"
The mushroom replies, "Why not?! I'm a fun guy!"
He then goes on to say "The name's Gus, and all my friends call me Fun Gus"
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︎ Dec 18 2020
Hey... Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage!
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︎ Oct 08 2020
Friend - Hey man could you call for some flowers for me from online?
Me - Yeah sure bro I will cauliflowers.
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︎ Nov 18 2020
Hey Sun.
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︎ Oct 18 2020
Talking with my brother: βHey remember when we would see how far we could jump off the staircase?β
βThat just sounds like leaping off ledges with extra stepsβ
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︎ Dec 15 2020
βHey, Watson, is that mud on your shoes?β
βNo. Shit, Sherlock.β
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︎ Sep 20 2020
Hey, don't go spoil Cyberpunk 2077 please.
I haven't played 1-2076 yet.
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︎ Dec 13 2020
"Hey!! How long have you been chopping wood for?"
"Not sure, let me check my logs."
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︎ Jan 03 2021
Hey, did you get a haircut?
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︎ Oct 17 2020
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