A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender asks, "Hey, what's with the paper towel?"

The pirate says, "Argh, I've got a Bounty on me head!"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cryingstlfan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey dad did you get a haircut?

No son I got them all cut!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrsBunnyPants26
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Hey what are your plans for Valentine's day? -Us singles be like :
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PrevAccountBanned
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Little Johnny has diarrhoea and asks his mom, "Hey mom, do you have Viagra?" The mom goes, "What? What on Earth do you need that for?" "Well, isn't that what you give dad when his shit doesn't get hard?"
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M_Arslan_Tahir
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Dude 1: β€œHey bro?” Dude 2: β€œYeah bro?” Dude 1: β€œCan you hand me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: β€œBrochure”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/reditrewrite
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œHey, how much wood have you chopped so far?”

β€œNot sure. Let me check the logs.”

πŸ‘︎ 116
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Hey girl!! Are you a newspaper?

Because there's a new issue with you everyday.

πŸ‘︎ 189
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
"Hey Dad, Go to Sleep!"

No son, I'm resisting-a-rest.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shercroft
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Hey.
πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aimilah
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey MC Snow, your wife’s package has been delivered.

Inform her.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
At a barbeque: Hey, who wants a burger?

Me!

Me tooo!

Meat ooo!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jollyflyingcactus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Hey Dad, you wanna come to Yoga class with me?

Dad: Namaste home instead

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jakevh28
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
hey did you hear about the new shovel?

you: no

me: what, it's groundbreaking!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wowzers_is_cool
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
"Hey, look at that flock of cows!"

"Herd."

"What?"

"Herd of cows."

"Of course I've heard of cows, there's a flock of them right there!"

πŸ‘︎ 109
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey! Did you see that snail-shaped car with the letter S painted on it drive by?

Just look at that escargo.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jollyflyingcactus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Hey did you ever hear about the psychic that only gives you good news?

It's The Happy Medium

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lizzybe
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"

"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.

"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping?

Don't worry, he's awake now.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chihiro_yoru
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
I was driving absentmindedly and my wife suddenly said, β€œHey, you missed a right!”

I said, β€œThanks babe. You Mrs. Right!”

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
So proud of my 3 year old daughter... her first dad joke. β€œHey Dad, why did the duck cross the road?”

Because the chicken had the day off.

Neither my wife or I have any idea where she heard this. And she isn’t divulging her sources. Hilarious.

Edit: The first joke she’s told in general. And happened to be a dad joke. :-)

πŸ‘︎ 687
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EagleTG
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My son, apparently an 7yo dad says to me... " Hey dad, what's the alien say to the cat?"

"Take me to your litter"

He's been working on his joke game. V.proud.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Subtotalpoet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Dad, hey can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?

No son

πŸ‘︎ 580
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey, did you hear about the 2 blind Cyclopos?

Neither have eye.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Two extraordinarily large horses were sitting at the bar having a beer. Guy walks in and says to the bartender. "Hey, what's with the Clydesdales?" Bartender says,

"They're draft horses"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Me: Hey, Dad, is that a man standing next to an igloo over there?

Dad: It's just an Aleutian.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rimfax
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey Sir, police jokes aren’t funny!

So give it arrest

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mac_OrchardYT
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Hey dad, can we stop at the casino at the next exit?

Dad: Sure, why? Son: I need to go to the bathroom and the sign says they have the best craps in the state.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dtdisfraction
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey, deer balls just lowered in price.

Now they’re under a buck.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TitanicTNT
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
"Hey Dad, what's the capital of Australia?"

"A"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yupitsnoone
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I got dad joked by my 3 year old daughter at dinner today: "Hey do you have a bun?" I asked her.

"NO I WANT A WHOLE BUN"

She's well on her way to being the dad I never had

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hicd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Called my local restaurant for reservation. Hey are you guys open for reservations? They replied four to nine today

Looks like they are too busy today

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/randombot777
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
My 10 year old son said, β€œHey Dad, do you know why I want to shoot a hog?”

β€œSo we can have hamburgers!”

He was serious but it still cracked me up.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jch308
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Hey Reddit, Wanna hear a joke about time travel?

Never mind. Y’all didn’t like it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Knowbody-_-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My 8-year old ran past me and I shouted to her: "Hey, you lost something!"

She stops and ask "What?"

- "Your speed!"

She glares at me and says: "Dad, you lost something!"

- "What?"

- "Your hair!"

Oof.

True story.

πŸ‘︎ 297
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kaploiff
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My boyfriend told me as I walked in β€œhey don’t be alarmed but the toilet is smoking”. Concerned, I walked into the bathroom and found this:
πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slebsta
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey guess what!

I’ll be seeing y’all next year

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/narvsuni
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
My neighbour asked me β€œHey, how much wood did you chop today?”

I said, β€œNot sure. Let me check the logs.”

πŸ‘︎ 194
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey! We don't serve your kind here!"

The mushroom replies, "Why not?! I'm a fun guy!" He then goes on to say "The name's Gus, and all my friends call me Fun Gus"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WolvieBS
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey... Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage!

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/balkso
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Friend - Hey man could you call for some flowers for me from online?

Me - Yeah sure bro I will cauliflowers.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pranavbrijwani
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey Sun.
πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bumblebee_Logical
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Talking with my brother: β€œHey remember when we would see how far we could jump off the staircase?”

β€œThat just sounds like leaping off ledges with extra steps”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ovrlymm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œHey, Watson, is that mud on your shoes?”

β€œNo. Shit, Sherlock.”

πŸ‘︎ 220
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey, don't go spoil Cyberpunk 2077 please.

I haven't played 1-2076 yet.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BbBTripl3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
"Hey!! How long have you been chopping wood for?"

"Not sure, let me check my logs."

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Hey, did you get a haircut?

No, I got them all cut.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Global-94
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report

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