Because there's a new issue with you everyday.
Because you're really insecure
Because thereβs an new issue with you every single day.
Sheβs quite the catch!
Cuz ill macucumber
girl feels shirt "whats that?"
......."boyfriend material"
'Cause I'm checking you out.
... Cause you look like a 10/10 to me! πππ
"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"
The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.
"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.
Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.
A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"
The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.
Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.
He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."
She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"
He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I wanted...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty cheesy...pig-cup line."
Hey fam... My grandpa passed away yesterday and as Iβve been reflecting on old memories I vaguely remembered this old joke he used to tell me. I was hoping maybe someone in this community could help. I donβt remember much about it other than that it was about a suit that didnβt fit and the person in the joke had to keep getting it tailored. And maybe it was just the way my grandpa told the joke, but heβd always make this really theatrical voice and yell βhey! what did you do to my new suit?!β If anyone can help a grieving girl out that would be swell. :)
He asks her out, and he needs to plan, so first, he needs his tuxedo.
So he goes to the tuxedo shop, and there's a huge line of people there, so he waits for 30 minutes, then an hour, and he finally gets his tuxedo.
Then, he needs to rent a limo, to look nice and formal and everything, so he walks into the limo rental shop, and again, there's a huge line, so he waits for 30 minutes and then an hour goes by, then 2, and he finally gets his limo.
On the night of the prom, he pulls up to her house with the limo, and she gets in, and on their way to the prom building, a huge traffic jam happens! So they wait, and then 30 minutes goes by, then an hour, and they finally arrive at the building!
So they walk in, take some pictures, and dance for a bit, and after a while, the girl asks, "hey can you get us some punch?"
So the boy walks over to the punch bowl and guess what?
There's no punchline.
Hey guys so I want to ask a girl out to prom. I want to do a pun with the words using Queen of Flow something like that. Other words can be included,
-Chambeas -Chevre -Estamos Perdiendo El Tiempo
"Hey girl, you sure are angled alright. Your tan is infinitly beautiful."
So I asked her "Hey girl, Wakanda music do you like?"
Daughter's 10 birthday party. Her friends are talking about eating snails...
Me: "Hey, do you think that snails want to buy cars with a big "S" on the side?"
7 little girls: "Why would they do that?"
Me: "so when they drive past, people say 'look at at that S-car go!'"
I watched 14 eyes roll simultaneously and loved every minute of it!
I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.
Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.
So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.
C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?
Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.
C: Do it
Fuck, he's one of these guys...
Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.
At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.
C: Do I have to use my real name?
PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY
Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.
C: Oh ok.
I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.
C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?
I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.
Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter
C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.
I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.
Oh that's an easy fix
Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.
C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"
Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.
I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.
**
... keep reading on reddit β‘So I'm watching TV with my daughters. A Saint Jude commercial comes on and shows a bunch of sick kids dying of cancer... both of my daughters let out a compassionate "Awe.."
Me: Hey girls, do you realize how many more kids in America were diagnosed with cancer during the time it took to watch that commercial?
Daughters: Oh my God... I don't even what to think about it! How many?
Me: Tumor.
We were watching the movie O Brother, Where Art Thou. I asked "Hey dad, do you know what extradition is?" Dad: "Is that something we used to do?"
Everyone just stared at him with the look of disgust while he giggled like a little school girl.
So I am divorced. My kids live in a different state than me at this time. This morning I called to talk to my daughter (5) about her getting into cheerleading. About halfway through the conversation, I dropped an old gem from my Dad. It ruined the phone call.
Me : "Hey baby girl, you wanna hear a story"
Her : "What now?"
Me : (giggling inside because the tone in her voice already said " FUCK, walked right into this.")
"I was driving to work the other day and an ambulance drove past me fast and a side door opened up. A box fell out, so I stopped to get it. Guess what was in it baby girl?"
Her : "What?"
Me : "A human toe."
Her : falling for it. Dad's know this sound in the voice.
"Eeeewwww. Then what?"
Me : "I called the tow truck!" FUCKING BOOM
Her : "Ok I'm hanging up now, byeeeeeeeeeieeee."
And she really hung up. I love to think she is cursing me in her little head right now...but she'll use it later. They always do.
People say "Hey, Lee" to try to get my attention.
I respond with "Hayley is a girls name, I'm Lee"
Dad: Hey, come pick me up from work?
Me: I'm busy.
Dad: With what?
Me: With a girl (I wasn't)
Dad: Ok, so you'll come in 15 minutes then?
This is an homage to my buddy Allen who is a master at puns in general and of puns of the antanaclasis variety in particular.
Allen likes to write fan fiction for Vladimir Nabokov's novel "Lolita". In Allen's version, the young girl tries to seduce an older man with hacky knock knock jokes. One example: "Hey big boy, I want to whisper something in your ear... Did you know Knock-Knock Jokes may result in swollen knuckles?"
The copyright holders have requested he take the jokes out. They said to knock off knock-off knuckle knock-knocks in Nabokov knock-offs.
Me: Hey Mom, what's for dinner?
Mom: I'm making salmon patties, if that's all right.
Dad: Mmm, salmon patties. Hey, if I was named Sam, I'd want to be married to a girl named Patty, so that people would call us Sam 'n' Patty.
Me: ...I'm writing that down and putting it on the Internet.
Mom: Please, please don't.
We divided into groups and the lab was to use the measured volume and diameter of various spheres to find our own approximation of pi. So we had to use marbles and some ball bearings. We get to our station to start measuring when a girl in my group says:
Her:"Hey, where'd the blue marble go?"
Me: "I don't know. It'll be fine though, so don't... lose your marbles"
Her:nearly slaps me
I said it a few times that class, and when some other group dropped a marble down the drain I said it loud enough to get a groan from the whole class.
So I'm at Costco picking up the hot dog meal I had added to my order at the checkout. The girl at the food court register yells to the guy working in the back, "Hey! Can you make me a hot dog?"
I looked at her dead serious, waved my spirit fingers, and said, "POOF! YOU'RE A HOT DOG!"
.... She didn't get it. Kids these days...
A boy and girl (about 14/15) were arguing about what trains they should take to get to their destination. Although friendly the argument got pretty loud and their other friend (boy, same age) says:
"Hey, no need to go off the rails....geddit?"
He looked really pleased with himself they didn't even laugh.
As I got off I looked at him, nodded and said "Nice" and he said "Thank you".
I forgot to mention that his girl friend might be pregnant.
Dropping my kid off for kindergarten today. Called him over to the fence where I was standing to say bye.
A random 4 or 5 year old girl comes running over:
Girl: Hey, you have my dad's beard!
Me (rubbing beard): huh... Maybe I should give it back.
Her sentence was very well articulated and it was obvious that she was being figurative and not literal.
The look she gave me was priceless lol.
My friend has a little girl and every year on her birthday I pretend to think shes older than she is.
me: hey isn't it your birthday today? what are you, like 8 years old now?
her: no! I'm only 5!
Every year on her birthday I joke with her like that... did the same thing to her older sister.
Then today, again on her birthday, I heard her on speaker phone with her uncle who called to wish her happy birthday, and he did the exact same joke. It made me feel old... have I been dad-joking all along?
I was walking around at work today and a girl asked me, "Hey, why are you always walking around looking like that?" I said, "If I didn't walk around looking like this no one would recognize me."
Some backstory: My mother is 100% swedish, which is awesome, but my dad can't help but make fun of her for being a swedish farm girl that grew up in Minnesota (They met in NorCal, where I was born and raised).
He ALWAYS tells this one. My mom tends to roll her eyes and punch him in the shoulder.
DAD: Hey, guess how many pallbearers there are at a Swedish funeral.
ME: sigh How many?
DAD: Two. You know why?
ME: Why?
DAD: Well, there's only two handles on a trash can.
He proceeds to chuckle for 2+ minutes.
Girl: "Hey teacher, guess what I saw on friday?"
Teacher: "Everything you looked at?"
I volunteer with Jr. High kids and Highschoolers on Wednesday nights. This week we decided to play some indoor soccer, so we took out the soccer nets that we had stored. I see them and walk over to a group of volunteer girls and ask, "Hey, do you want to see our organization's goals?" while pointing at the soccer nets. They all groaned while I walked away laughing and proud of my joke.
"Hey, how 'bout that Japanese-Jewish girl, Sosumi?"
My dad is Jewish, btw.
So when I was younger I used to have a belly shirt that I would wear similar to this and whenever I wore it this conversation would ensue
Dad: Hey, where'd you get that shirt?
Me: Probably Walmart or K-mart? Why?
Dad: Well you should go back and ask for the other half!
My friend (a girl) was texting her BF (who plays the trombone). This is the conversation:
Her: Hey, wanna come over tonight ;)
Him: Shall I bring my music knowledge?
Her: Why would that matter?
Him: Because I know how to bone in 7 different positions ;)
My buddy's on a dating app and says out loud "hey two hot girls back to back!"
and our other buddy chimes in "i'd prefer them front to front!"
God damnit.
So the person's profile only talks about airplanes. I wanted to send a message totally jammed packed with airplane puns but I don't have that many. It's probably a fake profile but I still think it would be fun.
Here's what I have so far. Hey Girl. Most of the girls on this website are so 'plane' but you're the exception. I have a 'terminal' illness and hope to meet my copilot before I go. Just kidding. My health is 'A oK47'. I was just 'play'n' around. Just to let you know I have some baggage from some 'turbulence' in a previous relationship but Shirley I can get past it. My previous relationship taught me that two wrongs don't make a right. However, two Wrights made an airplane. I hope a new relationship can 'takeoff' with you though. I would be a great boyfriend. I have financial 'security' and could buy you anything you want with my 'visa'. Have you seen the movie, "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles"? It's really good, except for the train and automobile parts.
