I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, β€œDo you want to hear today’s special?”

I said, β€œYes please.”

Waiter: β€œNo problem sir. Today is special.”

Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Me: *Pointing* I hear that guy is a veteran. Friend: Which guy?

Me: Major Look!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Ok hear me out

<GUTEN> should have been an HTML tag because it would be the guten tag. How has nobody thought of this.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kanupriya_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, "NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" and I said, "That's Superman..."

"Thanks, man," he replied, "I've been practising a lot."

πŸ‘︎ 403
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lafuss_tent
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said to me "you didn't hear a word I said did you?"

I thought to myself. That's a funny way to start a conversation.

πŸ‘︎ 230
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gwailo27
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My son asked me today what dΓ©jΓ  vu meant as some bet. I pretended I didn't hear him to make him ask me again so I could teach him.

So he yelled, "Hey - ya new tent has come I bet!" as he ran to the door

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Told to me by my father this morning. Did you hear about the pun that murdered ten people and then died in the standoff?

The headline was β€œpun and ten dead” (meant to sound like pun intended.)

Definitely not the best but it was kinda funny. He was definitely pleased with it

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DragonRider7710
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Soon just got me without this one: "Hey Dad, want to hear a construction joke?"

Give me a second I'm still working on it.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wheezy360
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife just hit me with a dad joke: "Hey, you wanna hear a joke about pizza?"

"Sure"

"Nah, it's too cheesy..."

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mahbows
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad: Did you hear the joke about farmer brown? Me: No

Dad: Well maybe I’ll tell you someday

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PublicThinker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
hear me out: if sound is a wave

then I already know sine language!

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/berninicaco3
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?

Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.

Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa...

I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping...

...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife turned and looked at me screaming, "Did you hear what I just said?!"

Seriously! Who starts a conversation like that?

πŸ‘︎ 612
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RyanHoar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
🚨︎ report
A man suspected his wife was hard of hearing so he decided to do an experiment. The man snuck up behind his wife and said, β€œHoney, can you hear me?” No response. He went a little closer and said a little louder, β€œHoney, can you hear me?” Still no response. So he went right beside her ear, yelling,

β€œHoney, can you hear me!?” She turned around and shouted, β€œFor the third time, yes I can hear you!”

πŸ‘︎ 81
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gho5ly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My son told me couldn't hear people in normal conversation

So we got him a colloquial implant.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/riversquid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Me: Did you hear Reese β€˜whats-her-name’ stabbed somebody?

Kids: Witherspoon? Me: No, with a knife.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RoryK00
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2017
🚨︎ report
Me:wanna hear a joke about ghosts?

Person:yes Me: thats the spirit!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Please hear me out. It’s not much, but it says a lot

A lot

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrGhostBerg
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Halo, can you hear me?
πŸ‘︎ 62
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Looper711
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.

All I got was 6 years for armed robbery

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I tried to bargain with the grim reaper but he couldn't hear me

Apparently he's death

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Alt_Alpha9
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: Do you want to hear a ghost joke? Wife: Ugh. Fine. Go ahead.

Me: That’s the spirit.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Girlfriend called me last night. She wanted to talk, but I couldn't hear her voice because of the static noise

She was breaking up.

πŸ‘︎ 53
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thebubno
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
🚨︎ report
My daughter just dad-joked the shit out of me with "Did you hear about the kidnapping?"

"Everything was fine, he woke up a couple hours later."

πŸ‘︎ 489
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/god-of-the-arcade
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2015
🚨︎ report
I've said a lot of things I'm not proud of in my time, but there's one thing you'll *never* hear me say:
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/trsrogue
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Psych project that my teacher gave me? PSYCH!! Don’t have to do it.
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RyanRebalkin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2018
🚨︎ report
"My dad got me with this one: 'Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.'”
πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AshleyJack
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2017
🚨︎ report
My Friend asked me if I wanted to hear an interesting metaphor...

I told him β€˜metaphors are shit’

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
🚨︎ report
A voice on the radio: Hello, anybody who can hear me please respond.

Me: Copy that, who is this?

Voice: Spider, working out.

Me: Spider who?

Voice: Radio active spider.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dudecancode
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Listening to the video of 4 Russian girls singing beautifully. My wife hears and asks me if they are Russian.

I said no, they were taking their time.

πŸ‘︎ 98
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/designatedjohnny
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2015
🚨︎ report
My wife pretended she didn't hear me...

It's getting late, baby is napping, wife is starting to make dinner, I'm browsing Reddit in the other room. Suddenly from the other room I hear:

> Wife: "Can you pick up the dog poop before it gets dark?" > > Me: Pause. "But the poop is already dark!" > > Wife: Pretends not to hear. > > Me: "heh heh heh"

I thought it was funny.

πŸ‘︎ 90
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cyborgcommando0
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2014
🚨︎ report
I was so shocked to hear about George Michael. His death really hit me...

...like, wham.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AssDewlap
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad still tells me this joke he use to hear from his grandfather.

He only does it when he asks you what you want to drink. He says...

"What do you want to drink, apple juice, orange juice, orthodox jews?"

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ajwerth
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
🚨︎ report
Me: Did you hear about that actress getting stabbed to death last night? What's her name, Reese something or other?

Wife: Witherspoon? Me: No, with a knife.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gunzerks
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2017
🚨︎ report
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, β€œNOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, β€œThat’s Superman…”

β€œThanks, man, ” he replied, β€œI’ve been practising it a lot.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DarkSideDweller
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, β€œNOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, β€œThat’s Superman…”

β€œThanks, man, ” he replied, β€œI’ve been practicing it a lot.”

πŸ‘︎ 21k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GhostPotency
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My son asked me, β€œDo you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, β€œGo on, then.” He shouted, β€œNOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, β€œThat’s Superman.”

He said, β€œThanks dad, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My son asked me, β€œDo you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, β€œGo on, then.” He shouted, β€œNOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, β€œThat’s Superman!”

He replied, β€œThanks dad! I’ve been practicing a lot!"

πŸ‘︎ 747
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
🚨︎ report
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000

her: sure

me: K

πŸ‘︎ 148
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rocketshoe21
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?

Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.

Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.

πŸ‘︎ 97
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?

Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.

Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?

Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.

Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.

πŸ‘︎ 53
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.

...with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

πŸ‘︎ 111
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?

Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.

Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?

Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.

Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Please, just hear me out

I can see myself out.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crayish
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2017
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.