I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”
I said, “Yes please.”
Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”
Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.
Me: *Pointing* I hear that guy is a veteran. Friend: Which guy?
Ok hear me out
<GUTEN> should have been an HTML tag because it would be the guten tag.
How has nobody thought of this.
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, "NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" and I said, "That's Superman..."
"Thanks, man," he replied, "I've been practising a lot."
My wife said to me "you didn't hear a word I said did you?"
I thought to myself. That's a funny way to start a conversation.
My son asked me today what déjà vu meant as some bet. I pretended I didn't hear him to make him ask me again so I could teach him.
So he yelled, "Hey - ya new tent has come I bet!" as he ran to the door
Told to me by my father this morning. Did you hear about the pun that murdered ten people and then died in the standoff?
The headline was “pun and ten dead” (meant to sound like pun intended.)
Definitely not the best but it was kinda funny. He was definitely pleased with it
Soon just got me without this one: "Hey Dad, want to hear a construction joke?"
Give me a second I'm still working on it.
My wife just hit me with a dad joke: "Hey, you wanna hear a joke about pizza?"
"Sure"
"Nah, it's too cheesy..."
Dad: Did you hear the joke about farmer brown? Me: No
Dad: Well maybe I’ll tell you someday
hear me out: if sound is a wave
then I already know sine language!
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa...
I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping...
...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...
My wife turned and looked at me screaming, "Did you hear what I just said?!"
Seriously! Who starts a conversation like that?
A man suspected his wife was hard of hearing so he decided to do an experiment. The man snuck up behind his wife and said, “Honey, can you hear me?” No response. He went a little closer and said a little louder, “Honey, can you hear me?” Still no response. So he went right beside her ear, yelling,
“Honey, can you hear me!?” She turned around and shouted, “For the third time, yes I can hear you!”
My son told me couldn't hear people in normal conversation
So we got him a colloquial implant.
Me: Did you hear Reese ‘whats-her-name’ stabbed somebody?
Kids: Witherspoon?
Me: No, with a knife.
Me:wanna hear a joke about ghosts?
Person:yes
Me: thats the spirit!
Please hear me out. It’s not much, but it says a lot
Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.
All I got was 6 years for armed robbery
I tried to bargain with the grim reaper but he couldn't hear me
Me: Do you want to hear a ghost joke? Wife: Ugh. Fine. Go ahead.
Girlfriend called me last night. She wanted to talk, but I couldn't hear her voice because of the static noise
My daughter just dad-joked the shit out of me with "Did you hear about the kidnapping?"
"Everything was fine, he woke up a couple hours later."
I've said a lot of things I'm not proud of in my time, but there's one thing you'll *never* hear me say:
Did you hear about the Psych project that my teacher gave me? PSYCH!! Don’t have to do it.
"My dad got me with this one: 'Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.'”
My Friend asked me if I wanted to hear an interesting metaphor...
I told him ‘metaphors are shit’
A voice on the radio: Hello, anybody who can hear me please respond.
Me: Copy that, who is this?
Voice: Spider, working out.
Me: Spider who?
Voice: Radio active spider.
Listening to the video of 4 Russian girls singing beautifully. My wife hears and asks me if they are Russian.
I said no, they were taking their time.
My wife pretended she didn't hear me...
It's getting late, baby is napping, wife is starting to make dinner, I'm browsing Reddit in the other room. Suddenly from the other room I hear:
> Wife: "Can you pick up the dog poop before it gets dark?"
>
> Me: Pause. "But the poop is already dark!"
>
> Wife: Pretends not to hear.
>
> Me: "heh heh heh"
I thought it was funny.
I was so shocked to hear about George Michael. His death really hit me...
My dad still tells me this joke he use to hear from his grandfather.
He only does it when he asks you what you want to drink. He says...
"What do you want to drink, apple juice, orange juice, orthodox jews?"
Me: Did you hear about that actress getting stabbed to death last night? What's her name, Reese something or other?
Wife: Witherspoon?
Me: No, with a knife.
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practising it a lot.”
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practicing it a lot.”
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman.”
He said, “Thanks dad, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman!”
He replied, “Thanks dad! I’ve been practicing a lot!"
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.
...with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
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