I offered to carpool with the security guy this week but I totally forgot to pick him up this morning. When he got to work later her was furious and punched me in the back of the head.

It’s my own fault, I’ll never let my guard down again.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eternal_Punshine
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
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Why did the CPU head up half an orchestra?

Because it's a semiconductor.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I was going crazy, looking around, trying to figure out who said "heads up"

And that's when it hit me...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/letsgetrandy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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Without a heads up in advance.
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Account_Priv
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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A British man decided to pick up a hitchhiker with no arms, 1 leg and 3 heads.

He says: " 'ello 'ello 'ello, you look 'armless, hop in!"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mozzatits
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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I can’t bake a pun that’ll crack you up because they’re all scrambled in my head

I’m such a egghead

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ashgallade
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Girlfriend, my dog and I went hiking today and on the way up the mountain there was a big bee buzzing around my head.

So I said β€œBee-gone” and my girlfriend shook her head. Best feeling ever.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vapingpigeon94
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog, bends down as if to pet it, then picks it up by the tail and begins spinning it over his head. It created quite the ruckus, so an employee ran over and asked the man if he needed help.

"No thanks, just looking around."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notagoodspelller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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The head of Big Cat Rescue and the female antagonist in the hit Netflix documentary has been arrested after holding up an ice cream shop.

Police are reporting that it was Baskin-Robbins.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cashmag3001
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Just a heads up.

If you get an email from the department of health saying not to eat tinned pork and ham because it contains COVID, ignore it. It's spam.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I was queuing up to get into the supermarket yesterday. Dwayne Johnson was in front of me. Behind me was a fish holding the trolley above his head!

I was between The Rock and a hard Plaice

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cyryoonake
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.

He said, β€œMaybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
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So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.

It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrEpicGamerMan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
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Heads up
πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timesuck47
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Invited my dad to play video games with me. He puts the controller up to the side of his head.

"What are you doing, dad?"

"I'm playing it by ear"

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarheel6793
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My longhaired friend showed up at my house yesterday with the sides of his head shaved and asked if he should keep it...

I told him to give it a few days and mullet over.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/egzavier
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Giving my one year old boy a shoulder ride when I lifted him up and put him on my head...

Turned to the wife and said "Do you like what I'm wearing?" (Lulling her into a false sense of security)
She smiles at me, blissfully unaware of my setup and thinking I'm just being cute.
"It's a son-hat." I say with a grin.
The groan she gave me told me I had done well.

πŸ‘︎ 429
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2016
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What did Mr. Potato Head do when his car started acting up?

Nothing, I️t was just a spudder.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VPoff
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Every morning I wake up to find hundreds of flowers without heads sitting on my front door.

I think I’m being stalked.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm sitting in traffic with my dad today when he scoffs, shakes his head, throws up his hand and says "look at THIS clown over here!"

I look over and there is literally a dude in full clown make-up driving a vw bettle next to us. Pop maintained a straight face through the whole thing.

πŸ‘︎ 323
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robinson217
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2014
🚨︎ report
When my boyfriend said this I played it back over in my head a thousand times wishing I had come up with it

::watching Bruce Lee documentary::

"....when we were young, Bruce was scrawny but constantly picking fight that he would always lose..."

Boyfriend: yea, we a, we called him Bruised Lee

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2013
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My son recently had a piece of clothing removed from his head after it accidentally went up his nose.

I told him it's good that he's no longer clothesd-minded.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdvantaJeous
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2017
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend should learn to buckle up when she gets in a head on collision with my dadjokes.

My girlfriend was shopping for a new vehicle when she messaged me and said, "I can't find a standard to test drive. It saddens me."

To which I replied, "You mean it sedans you?"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrizztDoUrdenZ
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2014
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My 3yr-old scratched up his head pretty badly in a fall the other day. Once he had finished crying he dad-joked "What's my favorite plant?"

A face-plant.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sectionV
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2015
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My co worker gave me a heads up as I was leaving about a deer outside the parking lot

I responded with "thanks for bucking up, but I don't think I will have to worry about it doe."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kitten_Factory
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2016
🚨︎ report
I can’t bake a good pun that will crack you up, they’re all just scrambled in my head

i’m such a egg head

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ashgallade
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report

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