I offered to carpool with the security guy this week but I totally forgot to pick him up this morning. When he got to work later her was furious and punched me in the back of the head.
It’s my own fault, I’ll never let my guard down again.
Why did the CPU head up half an orchestra?
Because it's a semiconductor.
I was going crazy, looking around, trying to figure out who said "heads up"
And that's when it hit me...
Without a heads up in advance.
A British man decided to pick up a hitchhiker with no arms, 1 leg and 3 heads.
He says: " 'ello 'ello 'ello, you look 'armless, hop in!"
I can’t bake a pun that’ll crack you up because they’re all scrambled in my head
Girlfriend, my dog and I went hiking today and on the way up the mountain there was a big bee buzzing around my head.
So I said “Bee-gone” and my girlfriend shook her head. Best feeling ever.
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog, bends down as if to pet it, then picks it up by the tail and begins spinning it over his head. It created quite the ruckus, so an employee ran over and asked the man if he needed help.
"No thanks, just looking around."
The head of Big Cat Rescue and the female antagonist in the hit Netflix documentary has been arrested after holding up an ice cream shop.
Police are reporting that it was Baskin-Robbins.
Just a heads up.
If you get an email from the department of health saying not to eat tinned pork and ham because it contains COVID, ignore it. It's spam.
I was queuing up to get into the supermarket yesterday. Dwayne Johnson was in front of me. Behind me was a fish holding the trolley above his head!
I was between The Rock and a hard Plaice
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me!
Invited my dad to play video games with me. He puts the controller up to the side of his head.
"What are you doing, dad?"
"I'm playing it by ear"
My longhaired friend showed up at my house yesterday with the sides of his head shaved and asked if he should keep it...
I told him to give it a few days and mullet over.
Giving my one year old boy a shoulder ride when I lifted him up and put him on my head...
Turned to the wife and said "Do you like what I'm wearing?" (Lulling her into a false sense of security)
She smiles at me, blissfully unaware of my setup and thinking I'm just being cute.
"It's a son-hat." I say with a grin.
The groan she gave me told me I had done well.
What did Mr. Potato Head do when his car started acting up?
Nothing, I️t was just a spudder.
Every morning I wake up to find hundreds of flowers without heads sitting on my front door.
I think I’m being stalked.
I'm sitting in traffic with my dad today when he scoffs, shakes his head, throws up his hand and says "look at THIS clown over here!"
I look over and there is literally a dude in full clown make-up driving a vw bettle next to us. Pop maintained a straight face through the whole thing.
When my boyfriend said this I played it back over in my head a thousand times wishing I had come up with it
::watching Bruce Lee documentary::
"....when we were young, Bruce was scrawny but constantly picking fight that he would always lose..."
Boyfriend: yea, we a, we called him Bruised Lee
My son recently had a piece of clothing removed from his head after it accidentally went up his nose.
I told him it's good that he's no longer clothesd-minded.
My girlfriend should learn to buckle up when she gets in a head on collision with my dadjokes.
My girlfriend was shopping for a new vehicle when she messaged me and said, "I can't find a standard to test drive. It saddens me."
To which I replied, "You mean it sedans you?"
My 3yr-old scratched up his head pretty badly in a fall the other day. Once he had finished crying he dad-joked "What's my favorite plant?"
My co worker gave me a heads up as I was leaving about a deer outside the parking lot
I responded with "thanks for bucking up, but I don't think I will have to worry about it doe."
I can’t bake a good pun that will crack you up, they’re all just scrambled in my head
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