A man doesn't know what true happiness is until he's had children.

But then it's too late.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/growlingbear
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
The happiness chemical is the coolest one...

Or as the kids say, "dope I mean..."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lv_InSaNe_vL
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
🚨︎ report
There is a way for atheists to find happiness.

They just need to have faith.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cebulki
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Bonheur is French for happiness. Boner is English for a good time. Coincidence?
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/electricdog
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2017
🚨︎ report
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
"A happy man is one who has found meaning in life"
πŸ‘︎ 132
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RichKestrel
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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If a cowboy is happy,

Does that make him a Jollyrancher?

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
How can you tell if a cyclist is happy?

All the bugs in his teeth

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pablo_woo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does Waldo always wear stripes?

Because he doesn't want to be spotted.

πŸ‘︎ 634
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person who is happy on Mondays?

Unemployed

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/farrukhsshah
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Every meal is a Happy Meal....

.....if you leave your kids at home.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeastπŸ™πŸ»β€οΈ

Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!😁

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iLoveRaviolis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why Is Everyone Happy When The Mushroom Shows Up At The Party?

Because He's A Real Fungi.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/baronvb1123
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife gave birth to our child today. Everything went well, the baby is healthy and I'm very happy

If you're here looking for a punchline, you probably won't find it. This was just about the delivery

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chadnav
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I hpe he is happy (credits given in the post)
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MEMESTER_BOIIII
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What do blind people do when they get sick?

No, seriously.

It's not like they can go see a doctor

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invisible_being
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
🚨︎ report
There are 70 ways to be happy 1 is coffee and the rest is

69

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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My girlfriend was sad, so I asked her who my favorite singer is and then placed my head on her chest

I told her Michael Boob-lay

She wasn’t as sad anymore (or much sadder since she realized how dumb the person she’s dating is). Happy new year everybody

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drumdude92
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My son told me he didn't understand cloning.

I told him, 'that makes two of us'.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/26326312
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2019
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
If you’re happy right now as an electrician, your passion is current
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tigreye007
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila Mockingbird

My dad told me this a few months ago. And he loves to remind me of it every week. It is his dadiest dad joke. It makes him so happy and that makes me happy. Hope it made some of you smile!

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Spring is here! I’m so happy I wet my plants!
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eve-Potter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad told me this one last night

Alright so yesterday at dinner my mom and dad told me and my sister that they decided that we would indeed drive to Florida and stay there and rent a place for a few months. The home they picked out is in the same community as my grandparents, I am all happy about this except for the part where we have to drive 1000 miles over 15 hours of driving. So anyway after my sister and I ask some questions about the place he says β€œdid you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet, but most have four”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
That couple is so happy to go to the gym every day.

Looks like their marriage is working out.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keychainoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Why is a mathbook always happy?

Because someone solves all its problems

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sou1_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
🚨︎ report
If a cowboy is happy

Does that make him a jolly rancher?

πŸ‘︎ 119
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrCleetus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m so happy, my 3 year old daughter is learning Dad Jokes! Went to our local Zoo today and 1/2 way around there is a cafe so I asked her if she wanted an ice cream... and she said...

I Scream - aaaarrrhhhhh...

Even better when actually a true story!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DannyGere
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
🚨︎ report
What is a happy Australian's favourite emoji?

πŸ™ƒ

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trinos
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Why is the tailor so happy at his job?

It suits him.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VikingLord17
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
🚨︎ report
What is a happy Cowboys favorite candy?

A Jolly Rancher

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AVeryLONGPotato
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2018
🚨︎ report
In the latest news... the Seven Dwarves have been advised that as of today, they can only meet in groups of six.

One of them is not Happy.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Social Distancing Pickup Lines
  • If Covid-19 doesn't take you out, can I?
  • Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket are you happy to be within 6 ft of me?
  • Can't spell virus without U and I.
  • Do you need toilet paper cuz I can be your Prince Charmin.
  • I saw you checking me out from across the bar, stay there.
  • Hey Baby! Can I ship you a drink?
  • Can't spell quarantine without U R A Q T.

credit: some facebook post i saw.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shamblingman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My transformation is almost complete

So my wife is currently working from home and her employer decided to send her a hamper package in the mail. It was quite nice but pretty standard stuff. Wine, some cookies, crackers and also a bottle extra virgin olive oil (came with a cheese platter kit)

Wife was pretty happy about the fancy packaging and showed it to me saying "look they even sent extra virgin olive oil in this little fancy bottle for cheese platters!"

My response? "Aww that poor olive oil bottle never had sex? So sad!"

...Pls send help

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hyperpuma
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
TIL God is a Mortgage-free man (Happy 80th to him, too)
πŸ‘︎ 714
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr-gem-524
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2017
🚨︎ report
I was told to play Magic to be happy

But Happiness is just not in the cards

Came up with this one myself. I learned today there is not a single card in Magic the Gathering named Happiness.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dimir_Frost_Mage
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
And I'm not even a dad!

This actually just happened!!!

I was driving my 14yo home, and I was complaining because I recently hurt my shoulder.

Me: Ow, my shoulder is trash

Him: Maybe you'll have to amputate your arm

Me: That wouldn't help because I'd still have a stump to waive around. They'd have to amputate it at the shoulder.

Him: They wouldn't really do that, would they?

Me: Yep

Him: Baloney

Me: No, that would be down here and pointed to my shin

Then he started crying :-) I can die happy now!!!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/impostershop
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
The word punny is punny and that makes me happy
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/toasty-toes
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Daughters day

Why is everyone saying happy daughters day today ?

Isn't it son-day ?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/how2crtaccount
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Because of the pandemic the 7 dwarves have been told they can only meet in groups of 6...

One of them is not Happy!

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sjdiver2001
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Accidental Dad Joke

Story time:

So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house.

Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?"

Me: "Yes mom."

Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice"

Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice..."

Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ehrivei
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I learned something inspirational today. You should always try to be happy. Because β€œsad” spelled backwards is β€œdas”.

And.....das not good.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2018
🚨︎ report
The Letdown

A high schooler wants to ask his best female friend to prom. Because they’ve been friends for so long, he really wants to make his β€œpromposal” special. He talks to his friends, he talks to her friends, and spends days planning the perfect moment. Happily, she says yes!

Over the next couple of months, she sends him different styles and colors of ideas for her dress. He tells honestly that she’s always been beautiful to him, and privately to himself, he is now realizing he has strong feelings for her. He knows he needs to tell her.

The night of the prom, he’s extremely anxious. What if he says something stupid? What if she laughs at him or doesn’t return his feelings? What if she thinks he’s a terrible dancer? All of these thoughts are swirling around in his mind as both their parents fuss over them and make them pose for a million photos.

They get to the prom and he’s even more anxious. It’s dark, it’s loud, it’s crowded. They have to shout to be heard. But she grabs his hand, leads him to the dance floor, and they forget everything and everyone around them. A while later, as the songs have gotten slower, he can feel his heart pounding. He thinks it’s finally the right time. He leans down and whispers the truth in her ear, the truth about having loved her since they met in second grade. She starts to cry happy tears, saying she’s always loved him too, and they kiss. As the song ends and changes to something fast again, he asks her if she’d like to sit and have a drink. She says yes, could he please get her some punch?

He feels like he’s walking on clouds as he goes over to where the drinks and food are laid out. He wants to get back to her right away and hopes he doesn’t have to wait too long at the refreshments table.

He makes his way through the crowd, and is able to get their drinks and return to his waiting love within just a couple of minutes. Because, would you believe it?

There was no punch line.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrsBunnyPants26
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and said, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
How tall is a happy person?

Yay high.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Faoroth
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report

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