What do you call an amish man with his hand up a horse's a**?
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was not worth the trip.
How many hands am I holding up?
If you ever accidentally smack your kid in the face and they say ow my eyes is blurry, or if they bump their face etc
Say “ah buddy u ok? Can u see? How many hands am I holding up?
Then proceed to hold up one hand with four fingers.
The kid will most often say 4. Then you make the dad face.
“4 hands!?!? Yah we might have a problem!”
My wife broke up with me at the star wars celebration. An anakin cosplayer came up to me, put his hand on my shoulder, and said...
My mom needed help standing up after cleaning the bathroom, so she asked my dad for a hand.
He started clapping.
(Obligatory: actually happened today, my mom messaged me to complain about his bad joke. I thought it was fucking hilarious.)
A scientist walks into a lab to pick up a dozen beakers for a new experiment he’s been working on, and the lab clerk hands him 13 upon his arrival. “13?”, the scientist asks, “I wanted a dozen!”
The lab clerk says “I thought you wanted a beakers dozen!”
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...
..it's a brand-new Rolex."
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
If you ask for a high five while holding up both hands and they hit both...
Slap them and say "Here's your change"
Today I went up to my coworker with a sample jar in each hand
And I said hey check this out, jar jar clinks and I clinked them together.
I checked into a motel and the clerk told me I had the second room on the second floor. He picked up the key to hand to me, but hesitated and took it back.
I said, “Well? 2B or not 2B?”
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
So if I set up touch ID on my phone for the same finger on both hands
Does that make it ambitextrous?
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
My friend threw his hands up over this joke
My friend: you’re loading
Me: you’re loading!
Friend: you want to say that again?
Me: no...I was going to make a computer joke, but I froze.
I woke up this morning, looked down at my hands, and heard a voice yell, “Death to America!”
I think I might have terror wrists.
With trembling hands, my doctor looked up from my x-ray and stammered, "This is exactly what I was afraid of." Gripping my chest, I rasped, "What?"
Eyes wide, he whispered, "Skeletons!"
Johnny is in class learning about animals and the teacher asks, “can anyone tell me what other name for dwarf goats go by?” Johnny’s hand shot up:
You have to hand it to the person who thought up the "I'd give my right hand to be ambidextrous" joke ...
And I imagine you wouldn't have much left if you'd foot the bill for infringement of copy'right'.
An innocent father was prosecuted for lining his kids up and beating them with his bare hands.
"There was no punchline, your honor."
My someday sister-in-law is getting hand surgery tomorrow, and is looking for some cheering up. Looking to add to my pun repertoire!
I woke up in the hospital and my hand was gone.
As to what happened, I'm stumped.
A man is filling up his car with gas and accidentally gets some on his hand...
He doesn’t notice it and when he gets into his car, he lights a cigarette.
His arm instantly catches on fire.
The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around, attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve.
A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot...for an unlicensed firearm.
my 6yo son asked to use the treadmill. (okay, weirdo) while on it, the dog’s ball rolled underneath. he got off - the treadmill is still on - and STUCK HIS GD HAND UNDERNEATH IT TO GET THE GD BALL. so i clean his skinned up hand and arm, get him calmed down, and ask what lesson we learned tonight...
“never put your hand in a running machine”
signed,
the single mom who may have went too far picking up bio dad’s slack
How did George Michael end up with chocolate all over his hands?
He was careless with his Whisper
The Hour Minute and Second hands on a clock all lined up for a race. Everyone was expecting the Second had to win because it was the fastest, but they were all surprised when the Minute hand won.
It came in Seconds place.
I just have so much thyme on my hands lately that I keep thinking up really lame jokes.
I'm sitting in traffic with my dad today when he scoffs, shakes his head, throws up his hand and says "look at THIS clown over here!"
I look over and there is literally a dude in full clown make-up driving a vw bettle next to us. Pop maintained a straight face through the whole thing.
I made a purchase at a second-hand store that added up to $20.16
I complained to the lady that that was last year's price.
She laughed after a few moments of confusion. Was nice to see the smile on her face.
Happy Monday!
Moses was a terrible actor. He only ever got one part. That bush, on the other hand, was straight up lit.
After all the hand-wringing, criticism and 24-hour coverage, Anthony Scaramucci ended up only holding his new job in the White House for a single week...
...It was Mooch ado about nothing.
I sewed my dad's hand up after a glass related incident. After an hour or two and a couple drinks, I hear him yelling downstairs, "I FOUND AN IPAD IN THE MEDICINE CABINET!"
m.imgur.com/QUpaMIC
The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.
My wife asked me to go pick up some second-hand baby clothes she bought on-line, tomorrow night.
"It's in the Heisenberg-street.", she said, "Do you know where that is?"
"No," I said, "but I know how fast you can go there."
She didn't get it.
I was assembling some steel trusses at work solo on Thursday and my production manager came up to me and said "Do you need a hand?"
I said "no, I've already got two"
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...
..it's a brand new Rolex."
So if I set up touch ID on my phone for the same finger on both hands
Does it make it ambitextrous?
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