weaponized nosk. sorry for the weird orange transparent thingy i couldnt get rid of it easily

https://preview.redd.it/u936i52q07e81.jpg?width=1920&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=09a9f38d882c8eb2908abf353ab1f31782b06138

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Maintenance times:

• Xbox: 02:00 – 05:00 AM Central / 07:00 – 10:00 AM UTC, January 31
• PlayStation: 02:00 – 05:00 AM Central / 07:00 – 10:00 AM UTC, January 31

Update size:

• Xbox One (S,X) ~3,300 MB
• Xbox Series S/X ~3,300 MB
• PS4 ~3,300 MB
• PS5 ~3,300 MB

Captains, the first update of 2022 is around the corner! A solid batch of new content, including ships of all sorts and colors, awaits you—let's check it out!

“Imagine reading those long texts though, ugh!”... If that’s what you're thinking, a fresh hot portion of TLDR is coming right up:

• Italian battleships arrive in Early Access with a new shell type to show off
• Azur Lane returns for wave III of the collaboration
• German BB Brandenburg of Tier VII representing the Kriegsmarine awaits at the end of the campaign
• Cross-platform Divisions & friend list, plus three n-e-w maps!
• Duel Ranked: Five seasons of 1v1 fights
• The first aircraft carrier rolls into the Bureau alongside HMS Minotaur
• Permanent cost decrease for some Tier VI Premium ships
• Lunar New Year celebrations bring some fascinating content
• ...and that’s not even everything!

Before proceeding, let's redeem 6VQN3EPSVH at https://wowslegends.com/code-redeemer to get 6x Regia Marina camouflages and 1x Common crate.

Italian Battleships in Early Access

https://preview.redd.it/lh1ed5dv07e81.png?width=1200&format=png&auto=webp&s=ee8f44575803c2b219aadde70cb0af2c0bfb448e

Are you brave? Because Early Access Italian battleships are only for courageous captains! You can get any of the four listed below in dedicated Italian Battleship regular and big crates (the guarantee system is active for the big ones—a ship drops at least once per every 20 containers). Tier IV Premium battleship Giulio Cesare is also available in the big crates to further expand your forces. Tier VII

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

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#Alien-Nation Chapter 80: Internal Strife

Bike rides were good for the soul. There was no other way to put it. After a hectic day, a wild ride to let off all the loose energy and disguise after I’d cloaked myself as…well, Elias.

The day had gone swimmingly for Emperor, and terribly for Elias. Nothing about it had bothered me, though, until we'd all been escorted home by a military escort. Watching my parents cook dinner after that, with their admittedly frayed nerves, had been...interesting. But then came dinner- and with it, an argument. I'd started calm, but soon, there was shouting- and I'd picked up and stormed out of the house.

I wasn't sure why- it felt all day like I'd been putting on an act, pretending to be someone who I wasn't anymore. So why did it still bother me? Was I too invested in the role? Or was Elias, that weak snivelling coward, still somewhere inside me?

As I coasted around a corner and felt the bike right itself, the cloak of 'Elias,' and all his troubles seemed to waft off of my body until there was nothing left but me. What a strange thought, all the ways I’d changed. I felt a wicked creature, some serpent, some wolf in sheep’s clothing enjoying ditching the wool at the end of a hot summer’s day as the pavement still bled heat into the night sky.

I heard a gunshot ring out in the far off distance, perhaps a mugging, perhaps a robbery, perhaps an ambush, or something more innocuous like hunting, or even a celebration.

I’d once thought about carrying a gun for myself, until I remembered that it was basically illegal for me as a minor to carry one, and that no one would sell to a minor. This limited me to unlicensed, unregistered guns. Carrying one of those, then, even a small one, would have re-categorised me from ‘takes their self-protection seriously,’ to ‘likely insurgent.’ Besides, I’d gotten out alive. But, now that I had the medal…

Then again, today, I was at my most vulnerable. I’d put my life and well-being completely in the hands of other people, yet lived through it. I felt invincible.

Invincible, that was, until I thought about the conversation I’d had before leaving home. Something about it, something about i

Alot of great jokes get posted here! However just because you have a joke, doesn't mean it's a dad joke.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT NSFW, THIS IS ABOUT LONG JOKES, BLONDE JOKES, SEXUAL JOKES, KNOCK KNOCK JOKES, POLITICAL JOKES, ETC BEING POSTED IN A DAD JOKE SUB

Try telling these sexual jokes that get posted here, to your kid and see how your spouse likes it.. if that goes well, Try telling one of your friends kid about your sex life being like Coca cola, first it was normal, than light and now zero , and see if the parents are OK with you telling their kid the "dad joke"

I'm not even referencing the NSFW, I'm saying Dad jokes are corny, and sometimes painful, not sexual

So check out r/jokes for all types of jokes

r/unclejokes for dirty jokes

r/3amjokes for real weird and alot of OC

r/cleandadjokes If your really sick of seeing not dad jokes in r/dadjokes

Punchline !

Edit: this is not a post about NSFW , This is about jokes, knock knock jokes, blonde jokes, political jokes etc being posted in a dad joke sub

Edit 2: don't touch the thermostat

Déjà vu.

Noun.

A feeling of already experiencing the present situation.

“A feeling of Déjà vu”

I suppose you could call it that.

There’s no other word I can use to describe the sensation. It was like waking up from a trance; waves of crushing water knocking the breath from my lungs, bringing along the realization that I’d already been through this. What I was seeing—what was blurred in my vision – was red. It was dripping, wet and cold on my skin, staining the tips of my fingers. When I risked a look down, it was spattered on the smooth white porcelain of the faucet—droplets spotting the ground at my feet. It was the most mesmerizing shade, one that I could barely believe existed. I love all shades of red. They each bare a part of me, bringing me back to memories of my childhood, of sticky candy apples glued to a stick and paint staining the tips of my fingers. This one wasn’t quite candy-apple red, or even fingerpaint red.

The color was sharp, attacking my senses and sending them into overdrive. I took two steady breaths and held out my palms in front of me, staring down at gory decoration that could be likened to a surgeon’s gloves mid-operation. I wasn’t wearing gloves though. In my rush I’d stupidly forgotten to put them on.  So my hands had paid the price. The girl’s bathroom had momentarily become my own personal canvas in my trance and I was starting to realize I’d made a mistake. Maybe even a suspension level mistake. I wasn’t thinking about the possibility of getting suspended, or anything trivial, really.

I was thinking about how familiar the red had felt on my hands. Like it had been there before—and in that so-called before it hadn’t been quite so cold, dancing across my fingertips.

I could feel it, practically sense it. The red had been warm.

It had felt so real, almost like it belonged, like it was part of me, slicking my palms sticky and wet.

I didn’t hear the door to the girl’s bathroom open.

If I did, I might have had a chance to try ducking into a stall. Instead, I was staring down at the faucet filled to the brim in front of me—red tinged water lapping around sparkling porcelain. I had to wash off the red—that was my first thought. I had to get it off my hands, and fast. And yet, my body was still frozen. Part of me liked the way it painted me. I was its canvas. Not just the mirror and the faucet and the marble tiles sticking to my bare soles—me. I’d never grown out of my liking for the color and that was evident when Mrs Jar

One of the biggest conversations when the Pro Bowl rosters are revealed are who the biggest snubs are, and who should've been removed from the list instead. So I thought I'd make a comprehensive list of the biggest snub for each position in each conference within the NFL. If I think the Pro Bowl selections were perfect, than I'll skip that position/conference, maybe throw out an HM if someone deserves it.

AFC

QB - Obviously to everyone except NFL coaches/media, Lamar Jackson shouldn't have been the selection here. The real question is which of Joe Burrow or Josh Allen should take his place. On one hand, Allen leads the more successful offense and looking at Football Outsiders' DVOA (who I should mention would've selected Carr based off just their stats), Allen has performed better given his opponents and the situations in which he's passing. And that's not even mentioning his premier rushing ability. However, Burrow has been better in standard passing metrics, while also being better in PFF's grading system both by pure grade, and having a higher rate of big time throws, and a lower rate of turnover worthy throws. All of this while having a noticeably worse offensive line than Allen (and similarly talented weapons between the two). I'll give Joe Burrow the edge, but could easily give it to Josh Allen as well.

RB - Another obvious one here, Austin Ekeler deserved to be in the Pro Bowl after 16 TDs and being the best receiving back in the league (after Cordarrelle Patterson, but that's a little unfair of a comparison). What I've been surprised at however, is the consensus at which Nick Chubb should be the one dropped from the roster, seemingly primarily due to his missing 3 games and having half as many TDs as Joe Mixon. I would say however, with Chubb averaging almost 10 more yards from scrimmage per game, more than 1.3 yards extra per carry (almost 1.0 more yards after contact), and being far ahead of Mixon via DVOA (9th vs 29th in rushing DVOA), Joe Mixon should be the one off the roster. While he does have the worse OL, according to PFF, the team's run blocking is fairly average, which isn't so much lower than Chubb's top 5 run blocking unit that it makes up for Mixon's statistical deficiencies, not to mention his ability to run in a much better passing offense.

WR - Everything looks good here, honorable mention to Tee Higgins who is arguably the best WR2 in the league, and arguably the next best WR in the conferenc

Do your worst!

How the hell am I suppose to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

Mathematical puns makes me number

Ants don’t even have the concept fathers, let alone a good dad joke. Keep r/ants out of my r/dadjokes.

But no, seriously. I understand rule 7 is great to have intelligent discussion, but sometimes it feels like 1 in 10 posts here is someone getting upset about the jokes on this sub. Let the mods deal with it, they regulate the sub.

We told her she can lean on us for support. Although, we are going to have to change her driver's license, her height is going down by a foot. I don't want to go too far out on a limb here but it better not be a hack job.

They were cooked in Greece.

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

He lost May

Now that I listen to albums, I hardly ever leave the house.

Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"

Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?

The doctor says it terminal.

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

It really does, I swear!

I haven't slept in 36 hours.
oops.

First | Next

 

My back is in agony.
 

cracking my eyes open I stare up at the ceiling above.
 

This is not my room. Rolling over I realise I'm lying on the hard cold deck.
 

Why?
 

Memories of what happened before I blacked out return.
 

Ah, right.
 

I'm apparently five hundred and twenty something years in the future.
 

Fuck.
 

Sighing I force myself up and back into my seat, still not comfortable but better than the deck.
 

Although my back screams at me the entire time I'm moving.
 

Glancing at Bronte's display, its dark. I call out. "Bronte? You around?"
 

After a moment she reappears frowning down at me. "Ah, Lieutenant, awake at last I see."
 

I grunt at her, see I can be just as eloquent.
 

Don't give me that look.
 

Anyway.
 

Rolling her eyes at my response she continues.
 

"I have taken the liberty of moving the ship into this systems asteroid belt. Partially for cover and partially so I can send what remains of our drone swarm out to hunt for any resources we are in desperate need of."
 

Leaning back in my chair I tap at the screen in front of me.
 

"Right, can you show me what we need." I try to be commanding but the yawn at the end kind of ruined the image. I need an issue to work on, take my mind off the current situation.
 

Flicking her fingers a report springs up before me. Taking a moment to read over it. Oof, we are in trouble.
 

Our primary issue is Titanium Alloy, it’s what makes up the ships armour, superstructure as well as a number of interior sections. Most of the rear half of the ship is intact, it’s the front half that's the issue.
 

It'd be better to list the compartments that can still hold atmo.
 

There's four.
 

Four compartments that can hold air, out of almost a hundred.
 

Wonderful.
 

Still the old gal made it out, goes to show how well these ships are built.
 

Honeycombed superstructures may be exorbitantly expensive, but damn are they effective.
 

So, we need to replace all that hull plati

Because she wanted to see the task manager.

And boy are my arms legs.

But that’s comparing apples to oranges

Top Traditional Card Games For Just Two Players

I love modern games, and own a large collection of them. But I also love traditional games played with a standard deck of playing cards. The excitement of card games explains why playing cards spread rapidly throughout Europe after they first arrived there in the late 14th century.

And across the centuries, card games with a standard deck are still as popular as ever. Casual poker tournaments are found around the world, and the game is even played professionally and gets TV coverage. While classic card games like Bridge may be waning in popularity, many wonderful new card games have emerged over the last century, and added to the diverse options for great games that can be played with a traditional deck. The choices are many: classic trick-taking games like Pinochle or Whist, modern trick-taking games like Hearts or Spades, partnership games like Canasta or 500, social games like President or Palace, and children's games like Slap Jack or Go Fish.

But what if you only have two players? Suddenly the options become more limited. A lot of card games can be played with two players, like Canasta. But in many instances the game experience is inferior to the same game played with more people at the table. Fortunately there are a lot of fantastic card games that are terrific with exactly two players.

Here is a carefully curated list of popular two-player games played with standard playing cards. I have focused especially on traditional games that have proven themselves, and are most loved and well-known. There are some contemporary two-player card games that are very good, but these still need to stand the test of time. I've consulted a lot of sources in making this list, and have also drawn on my own extensive experience in playing card games. But it is a subjective choice, so I've included a longer list of "Honorable Mentions" at the end, as well as a "What next" section following each game, to point to other strong contenders that are worth looking at. To keep things simple, games are listed in alphabetical order. So find yourself a friend or companion, grab a deck of cards, and see what fun can be had playing these fantastic two-player card games!

Cribbage

Cribbage is instantly recognizable due to the iconic board used for scoring. It's a classic card game that goes back to the 1600s, and despite some quirky rules,

Put it on my bill

Heard they've been doing some shady business.

but then I remembered it was ground this morning.

Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale

Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments

And now I’m cannelloni