Have you guys ever read "The Yellow Stream"?

It was written by I.P. Dailey

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SwordOfCheese
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2021
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Ya know, I saw superhero on the street once, he was in line for a hotdog, read this guys mind and saw that his head was in the clouds, and he just pushed in front of him!

If you ask me, that was pretty telepathetic of him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NukulerNicky
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
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Have you read any of this guy's books?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiggidytom
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2017
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Have you guys read the Iliad

it was epic

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timmyjaymes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
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I've got a few books you guys might like to read

~100 Yards to the Outhouse, the True Story of Willy Maket by Betty Dont

~One Legged Woman by Eileen Offtin

~The Yellow River by I.P. Freely

~Stripper Bliss by Ivana Taketoff

~Lines in the Sand by Dick Dragon

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πŸ‘€︎ u/steller24
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2017
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I read an article about the guy who sings "Blinding Lights." He has 2 publicists, 3 full-time stylists, a social media manager, and a limo driver all on his payroll.

Seems like everybody's working for The Weeknd.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tvkyle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2022
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Why do women like reading stories about guys in ancient Mesopotamian scrolls?

Because they love a man in cuneiform.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2022
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Apparently not a joke

I'm a son without a father... I lost him a few days ago to a heart attack and I just... can't stop crying

We both used to check out this sub daily for amazing dad jokes and laugh at them together... We'd try to form our own stupid stuff

I used to wake up for college early in the morning I'd cook some breakfast for him get ready and before leaving I'd wake him up and tell him a stupid dad joke... I'd want to see him start his day with a smile

I just want to thank you all in this sub for giving me and my dad happiness your jokes made us laugh at our worst times

Out of habit I keep getting up to go to his room with a dad joke... Only to see it empty

I'm never gonna get to mess around with my dad again... I'm never going to hang out with him again he's not going to be there to see me grow up and buy a house of my own ... He's not going to see me buy a car of own ... He's not going to see me get married... He's gone forever and I will never get to start my day with a smile again from a silly dad joke with him

He wasn't the greatest dad but he certainly was the best I could ever ask for ... I will miss you dad

Thank you r/dadjokes to all the amazing dads here and their funny and stupid jokes

Edit : thank you so much dad's for your overwhelming support I love you guys and I just want to take a moment to thank all the people here who shared their experiences as well of having lost a parent... Your story inspires me to continue forward with the torch

Also I'm seeing quite a few comments saying the post is not funny and that they came for a laugh... I'm truly sorry about that, I just really wanted to honor my dad in this sub since we spent so much time together here scrolling for jokes and I needed the push from you dads to get back on my feet

I'm never going to be the same that's for sure knowing a peice of me has been lost forever... The void will never be filled in my heart But your support is just what I needed, once again thank you dads I love you

Edit 2: thank you so much dads for your overwhelming support I know I haven't been able to respond to all the dms and messages here but I've been reading them all and it's just made me smile in the worst Thank you dads you guys are the best

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πŸ‘€︎ u/farzad6969
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2022
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A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
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Not a joke. But I wish it was.

I am not a dad. I am a daughter. For longer than I can remember, I have called my dad at "too early" times in the morning, woke him up, and told him a joke. This was a daily occurrence. Hence how I found this sub.

My dad died on Monday. You guys helped me wake him up with laughter so many times and I got to hear him laugh every day. Thank you r/dadjokes.

Edit: spelling

Wow I really did not expect so many people to see this post or to take the time to comment and reach out to me. Thank you all so much for your thoughts and kind words. It really means a lot. This is a great community and I'm so glad to have found it. As a mom to two beautiful little jokesters, I will absolutely continue pestering them with daily jokes and keep the tradition and the laughter alive.

For those asking, his favorite jokes were the really long ones that took forever to tell and had bad/ the best punchlines. The one that immediately sticks out was posted here either Sunday or Monday and was the last one I got to tell him. I will see if I can find it and figure out how to link. It was about a farmer who really loved tractors.

Thank you to the kind redditors who found it for me.

https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/slwg7y/bit_of_a_story_to_this_one_but_well_worth_the_read/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndiPandi92
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2022
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I read about this one guy who twisted his ankle 360 degrees.

What an amazing feat!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Derpvboii
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
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A whole load of corn and cheese

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeverPander
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2022
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A selfie stick

An older guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Check it out, I got a 'selfie' stick for my cellphone," he tells the bartender. "What the heck did you do that for? You're not a 12 year old girl," the bartender asks. "Because now I can finally hold my phone far enough away to actually be able to read my text messages....."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2022
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Has anyone read that best seller β€œThe Brown Spotted Wall” yet?

It’s written by a guy named Hu Phlung Pu. I haven’t read it yet either, but I heard it’s β€œThe Shit”!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FundsWhale
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2022
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I read the headline about that guy in Spain who died when he drank dishwasher detergent to my dad...

"You mean it never Dawned on him that he was drinking detergent?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArranMars
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2015
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The guy who stole my diary died yesterday.

My thoughts are with his family.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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Russian COVID-19 Vaccine

Quick PSA: I had the Russian Covid19 vaccination yesterday and can tell you there are absolutely no negative sideffski efectovski secundariosvki ΠšΡ‚ΠΎ ΠΌΠΎΠΆΠ΅Ρ‚ это ΠΏΡ€ΠΎΡ‡ΠΈΡ‚Π°Ρ‚ΡŒ, это ΡƒΡ€ΠΎΠ΄Π»ΠΈΠ²Ρ‹ΠΉ ΠΏΠ°Ρ€Π΅Π½ΡŒ. ОбоТаю Π’Π»Π°Π΄ΠΈΠΌΠΈΡ€Π° ΠŸΡƒΡ‚ΠΈΠ½Π°!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DamnRedhead
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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In spite of all our disagreements on Reddit, I’m glad about one thing.

Every one reading this is on the same page.

Edit: Thanks guys. This is way too much love.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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What does Wonder Woman do before she goes to bed?

She puts her pajamazon

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pappajay2001
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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Why is there 2 d's in 'Reddit'?

Because one is a repost.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZZiyan_11
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
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What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?

A mathemachicken

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
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Prepping to be a good dad

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and settles down to study a book. "What are you reading?" the bartender asks. "It's a guide to learning to speak Russian," the guy replies. "I've been studying hard because I really want to get fluent." "Well good for you. What made you decide to learn Russian?" the bartender asks. "Well the wife and I just adopted a baby from Russia," the guy replies. "And I figure he's going to start talking in about a year, and we just want to be able to understand him."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2022
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This is unbearable
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bagel76
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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A Jelly Bean, Skittle and an M&M go to a party

But at the door there was a sign saying no chocolate allowed. M&M hesitates.

"Hey guys, I might skip this one. I'm a chocolate. I'll catch you guys later" Skittle and Jelly Bean protest. "Nah man, you'll be fine, you're candy on the outside. Come in with us, it'll be fun!" Says his cousin Skittle. "Yeah, if anyone has a problem with you, we'll look after you" says Jelly Bean.

M&M decides he will go in, encouraged by his friends. They all have a good time, and no one mentions anything about M&M being chocolate on the inside.

The night is going well then suddenly the front door bangs open and in walks Vick and his gang of vapour drops. The party goes quiet as Vick surveys the room. His eyes stop on M&M.

"What the fuck are you doing M&M? Can't fucking read the sign? No chocolate allowed."

"But I'm candy on the outside, it's OK, right guys?" Protests M&M weakly. Jelly Bean and Skittle back off into the shadows, leaving M&M by himself.

" I think we need to teach this smart ass chocolate a fucking lesson, let's take this outside." Says Vick.

The vapor drops grab M&M and drag him outside and start beating him up, cracking his shell through to his chocolate. The gang walk away leaving M&M barely conscious on the lawn.

The next day in hospital, Jelly Bean and Skittle come to visit their friend, feeling bad for him. "Why didn't you guys stick up for me?" Asks M&M. "Man, you know Vick, there was nothing we could do, he's fucking menthol."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sellywin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2021
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It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JSC_SLP
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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I've been accused of stealing other people's jokes

This post says otherwise

Edit: Wow someone gave me my first plat! As thanks, I'd steal make a post that says it all but this has already been posted before

Edit 2: thank you for the gold and silver!

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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The peak moment of high school

This actually happened, probably close to 20 years ago now. In my high school chemistry class, the teacher asked if anyone knew what nitrates were.

It was a once in a lifetime opportunity.

"I don't know," I replied, "but I bet they are better than day rates."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SaryuSaryu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2017
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Bigamist…

What an Italian calls very thick fog

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2017
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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When you buy a bigger bed, you have more bed room but less bedroom

That's a very important fact I just read and wanted to share with you guys. Buying beds is a serious topic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FattySuperCute
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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What skill does a herb farmer need to perfect?

Thyme management

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lepantswizzard
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2016
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reddit

guys

GUYS

GUYS

I HAVE A REALIZATION

Reddit.

*inhales*

^(IT'S BECAUSE YOU)

READ IT

THIS ENTIRE WEBSITE IS A PUN

HOW BLIND WE ARE

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePastelCactus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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I read an article about the guy who sings "Blinding Lights." He has 2 publicists, 3 full-time stylists, a social media manager, and a limo driver all on his payroll.

I guess everybody's working for The Weeknd.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tvkyle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2022
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I was just reading this story about a guy who went through several tough breaks in life and couldn’t get ahead. One day he just stopped talking and his only way of communicating was through hand and body motion.......

Poor guy turned to a life of mime.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mjleak72
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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I was reading about the guy who invented contract hits?

He made a killing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/potatosgalore
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
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So I hired this dude to count people in the Bible for me. How many Noah's are there. How many Moseses. That sort of thing. Well, today, he stopped about halfway through. I'm sad to say that I had to let him go.

I mean, he only had one Job.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gaudiocomplex
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2021
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I just read about that guy who was arrested for hiding drugs in his wig.

Looks like there will be hell toupΓ©e

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordJimsicle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
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I read a story where the bad guy was trying to get rifles banned.

He was the anti-gunist.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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I read a Shower Thought today that said that if I get a Bachelor's Degree in Science, then I'm techinally science guy like Bill Nye

But I call B.S. on that

*a

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πŸ‘€︎ u/giraffe_kick
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2018
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a Polish man goes in for an eye test. they ask him if he can read the bottom row. the bottom row reads JLOWZXKY

He replies "read it? I know the guy!"

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2022
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My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so

A subreddit.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Such-Fig-3879
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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a Santa at NASA

A guy with a newspaper walks into a bar, orders a beer and begins reading the paper. "What's new?" the bartender asks. "Well it says here," the guy replies, "a Santa at Nasa won top prize in the national palindrome awards."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2021
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My wife is threatening to leave me because I’m addicted to wearing a new T-shirt every half an hour.

I said, β€œWait! I can change!”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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"Hey dad, I'm taking a shower"

"Alright, make sure to bring it back"

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Themajesticbear2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2018
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People ask me,”where do you get your jokes from?”

I said β€œI reddit from somewhere”

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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