... but unfortunately nothing that jumped out at me.
You can go to a satisfactory.
Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.
Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.
- Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
- Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
- Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
- Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
- Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
- Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
- Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
- Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
- Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
- Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
- Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
- Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
- Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
- When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
- Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
- Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
- Always go straight home after work or school
- Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
- Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
- Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
"Yes." she replied.
"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, then whatever is left over, comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet! And that, is poo!"
She looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
My friends name is Paige. She asked me to help with names for her etsy store to sell paintings, crochet stuff, alcohol ink things, and pottery. Paige despises puns. Please help me with some good pun names for her shop.
I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. I was already running late, after my wife took my cheese this morning. Even after I told her it was Nacho cheese. She asked what time my dentist appointment was, I told her Tooth hurt-y. But I didn’t end up going, as there was stairs I had to ascend. I don’t trust them, they’re always up to something. Then my wife got really mad at me and said that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!
I went straight to the barber for a new look. He asked me if I wanted a haircut? I said no, I want them all cut. Puzzled he would ask such a silly question, I noticed the graveyard across the street looking overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there I thought. I picked up a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down! Shear amazement a barber would have a book like this! I told the barber I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me. He stopped cutting my hair when my ear fell off. He must of realised I was a leper at this point so I paid for his service and told him to keep the tip.
I received a call from my Eastern European mother in law, apparently my child was refusing to sleep during nap time. She told me he’s guilty of resisting a rest. Then she called me straight back to say there was a kidnapping. I rushed to her home to find my kid napping. I was angry by the miscommunication but that anger turned to joy when I realised it was the first day of spring. I got so excited I wet my plants. After which I realised I was late for soccer practice. I’m not a big fan of the sport but I was doing it for the kicks. I decided not to go as I was tired from the night before where I spent the night looking for the sun. Then it dawned on me. Unusual for me, as I’m usually a pretty good sleeper. I can do it with my eyes closed.
The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
So I was looking to get some weed the other day, and I asked my buddy if he had any recommendations since I wasn't really feeling like hitting a bong or joint. My buddy he suggests dabs, said he had a buddy named Yaba who sold good stuff. I wasn't convinced since I'm not a big user. But he assured me it would be great. He tells me "A Yaba-Dab-will-do-ya"
But it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I needed to run to Home Depot just a little while ago, and my eight year old son has been driving my wife insane, so he was sent with me. He asked a hundred questions about what tool does what and why I needed this or that. Despite my distracted supervision, he surely mixed up several loose nuts and bolts.
At the exit of the self checkout line, there's a massive gumball machine that holds massive gumballs. I rarely carry change, so he's out of luck.
Sonny Boy: Dad, can I have a quarter?
Me (checking out): Nope. Don't have one.
Sonny Boy: You don't have any cents?
Me: If I had any cents, I'd have left you at home tonight.
No, he didn't get it, and I'm shocked he set it up so well by saying cents. But, the dude in the line next to me let out a solid guffaw. We made the satisfying, knowing eye contact of two dad joke aficionados. I'm glad someone else heard it.
She said "You keep telling me to read this book. How about it?"
I said "It's a good book, though a bit arid."
This is my dad's favorite dad joke.
A teenage T-Rex named Maynard and his father were out looking for dinner.
"Oh hey, dad! Look! A stegosaurus! That'd be good!"
"My Maynard son, no. That would be so hard to chew. There's so much armor there."
A little while later:
"Dad, check it. A big old nest of Pteranadons! Chicken tonight!"
"No, my Maynard son. They would fly too fast, and we cannot reach up there with our arms."
Finally, "Dad! Dad! Check it out! A herd of brontosaurus! It'd be so easy!"
"No, my Maynard son. Brontosaurus ribs take a long time to properly age before they're good eating. Everyone knows this."
The teenage T-Rex stomped and roared, "Daaad, what are we doing? There's stuff right here to eat! What the hell are you looking for, anyway?"
The elder T-Rex shook his head and said, "Carrion, my Maynard son."
me: why have we been eating casserole so much recently?
mom: because it's winter! and winter is casserole weather!
me: I thought it was chili weather...
For our anniversary my wife requested a printer/scanner. After doing some research I tell her that Brother would be a good brand to get.
"The one I'm looking at is black. That's a little bit racists, right?" Her face doesn't change, an indication that the joke failed and just to move on.
So she asks me if the printer has cables.
"Nope! It works through the wifi so you won't have to worry about wires! You can even print stuff from your phone!"
"Oh. So doesn't that mean I can't hook a Brother up?"
I was so proud of her.
Like any good dad, I said "Of course I can sweety" before stuffing my toes into them.
After she said "NOOOOOOO DAAAAAADDY! On my feet!" I said "well why didn't you say so in the first place?"
[Helped her stuff her feet in]
"Daddy" she asked, "Can you pull on the tongue?"
......ike dthis?
I've been getting into cornography lately! Do y'all know of any good corn sites? I'm a big fan of hard core schucking, but I like the occasional slow stuff.
"Did I ever tell you about the asshole?"
"What?"
"Well, the asshole was at a meeting with all of the other body parts, and they were deciding who should be in charge of the whole body, right? So first, the brain says, 'C'mon, obviously I should be the boss. I do all of the decisions, thinking--why is this even a question?'
'Well, good luck doing all of the thinking if you can't see where you're going,' say the eyes. 'We should be in charge.'
'What good is it going to do seeing, if you can't get anywhere?' asked the legs.
'Well, without us, you'd have no oxygen,' said the lungs.
'Are you serious?' said the stomach. 'How are you supposed to process energy and do any of this stuff, without me??'
'Well, what about me?' piped up the asshole. 'I'm important too..'
'You?!?' laughed the other parts. 'Shut up, asshole!'
So the asshole went on strike.
A week and a half later, the brain couldn't think straight. The eyes couldn't focus, the legs were asleep from sitting on the pot, and the stomach was so jammed up full of crap that the lungs could barely breathe.
Finally, they all went to the asshole and said, 'Look, we're sorry, we're sorry!! Just come back to work, you can be in charge!'
...and that's why all bosses are assholes."
Miss ya, Pops.
So I had a productive day at work coming up with these Capital City puns a year ago today. Thought they were too good not to share!
Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?
To book a rest!
Bob Mortimer was speaking to his comedy partner's wife saying he wanted to take him on a piss up to Iceland. When asked why he said:
I want to wreck ya vic!
Why should you never let a man go swimming in Finland with weights on his ankles?
Coz He'll sinky
What do people most commonly use toilet paper for in Bandar Seri Begawan?
Their Brunei
Catwoman bet her male counterpart he couldn't pronouce the capitol of Nepal. But cat man do.
Why was the Polish man rubbing his bollocks? Coz they warsaw.
I just came up with a cracking pun for Japan. Alas, all the wife could say was "What Tokyo so long?"
The ex Mrs McCartney got naked in East Germany in the 80s. She was known for years in the area as Bare-lin
Cheap flights to Russia still available! Book now! Everything Moscow!
The people of Bahamas think learning Capitol cities is Nassau important
The people of the Netherlands had a need to build a water driven power station as well as an overabundance of pork products. So they used 'Ams to Dam a river.
A husband and wife in the Phillipines were both very, very unwell. The woman was sick, but the man iller.
What's the average Senegalian's favoured mode of transport? Da car
Have you heard about the talking cat in Somalia that only throws insults? The Moggy Diss you
They are obsessed with John Cleese in Uruguay. They love a video of Fawlty towers almost as much as they love a Montevideo
People from Vietnam Hanoi the hell outta me
Rain storms are very rare in Zambia, but in Zimbabwe they Harera
Before you do a joke about Macedonia, let me Skopje right there
I've heard Swedish Ikea workers get stuff for free, they can just take Stockholm
If you are trying to eat Halal in Pakistan, Islamabad or good choice?
My fiancee and I were eating dinner at IHOP and she made a comment about getting full.
I told her there was no need to stuff herself just because she is pregnant.
She said, No. I think I can finish my plate and I'll be fine."
I responded with, "Sweetheart, I don't recommend eating plates they aren't good for the baby."
Her eyes rolled so hard I thought for sure they'd fall out. Needless to say I can't wait to be a father.
I asked my parents to bring my tennis stuff to me since I live 2 hours away and they were coming to town to see my sick uncle.
After we had a nice meal, they drove me back to my apartment and handed me the bag.
Dad: I bought some balls for you. I think there's two cans in there.
Me: Why would there be birds in my tennis bag?
We just stared at each other for a good 5-10 seconds. Then I hear my mother groan. He caught on not long after.
The topic is racism. My mom, sisters, and I are talking about how racism and stereotypes are not the same while my dad just quietly eats his food. We all give some examples of stereotypes for different cultures and how they might have come about. Then there is a break in the conversation.
A break for dad to casually throw in his two cents: "Many stereo types are from Japan."
I can imagine his thoughts before saying it. Oh, I've got one for this. Come on, set me up set me up . . . yes!
Good stuff, dad.
So I'm doing a health project on bullying and I need 3 good puns about bullying to put on posters I wouldn't be asking but I've looked almost everyone and let's face it, you guys are pretty damn good at this stuff so any help would be appreciated.
He didn’t want to get in trouble s o he stopped his truck got out and started to pick up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then he began fitting the pieces together. In less than 10 minutes, he had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. The toll manager came up to him, impressed and said, “Wow you fixed that fast! What was that stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?”
“Oh”, said the man, “just a bit of Tollgate booth paste“
Gf: "I can't find my concealer"
Me: "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then."
She was silent for like a solid five seconds before just saying "fuck off"
My wife and I were waiting in line at the pharmacy to get her some of the good stuff from behind the counter. When she's sick she can be a little overly dramatic.
Her: "I think I'm dying, do they make anything for that?"
Me: "Funerals"
Was trying to figure out if I had time to go grab lunch before a deployment at work:
Me: do I have time to grab lunch before this deployment?
Coworker: Yeah definitely, go eat.
Me: Okay, cool, I was just trying to see if I could eat something more than a bag of almonds today.
Coworker: Aw but almonds are so good! They're full of protein and good stuff.
Me: Yeah, but almonds for lunch? That's nuts.
groans throughout the office
My mom, dad and I were out at dinner and the three of us got Caesar salads. My dad gets up and grabs a pepper grinder, which is a long, waiter style grinder. He puts pepper on my mother's salad as I stuff my mouth with bread. He then asks like waiters do, "would you like some pepper, sir?". My mouth is full so I nod my head, yes. He says, "just say when", as he grinds pepper onto my salad.
At this point, I'm chewing rapidly so I can say something without choking.
"That's good"
"Just say when, just say WHEN!"
"Uh when"
Good thing I like pepper
I'm thinking of opening a shopping center which specializes in only the stores you can never seem to find when you want them. For instance:
- New Navy
- Half Foods
- Over Armor
- Paper Clips
- 49 Cent Store
- Seniors R Us (really old stuff like antiques)
- Tom & Harry's Sporting Goods
- Pier 99 Exports
- Yankee Light Bulb
- O.M.G. Monday's
- Due Pizza (It's Italian, not Spanish)
- Rhode Island Closets (they are very small)
- Open Space (think about it)
Just days after my dad made some tri-tip my family had another get together which my brother-in-law brought some ridiculously good tri-tip. Definitely blew the my dad's stuff out of the water.
Me: "I have to tell you, your tri-tip was good but Nick's (brother-in-law) is next level"
Dad: "Well that may be true but I helped him by giving him advice. In fact, I gave him three pieces of advice. Thats why they call it tri-tip!"
Why are music and candy the same?
Because you keep the good stuff and throw away the wrapper!
So my dad and I are trying a pomelo for the first time. He's cutting the peel off and it's quite thick. I ask:
"What's that kind of, fluffy white stuff on the inside of the peel called."
"It's called the pith." He responds
"Oh ok."
"Oh pith off!"
We stare at each other and just burst out laughing.
Good times.
I work at the public library, doing some phone answering, office work, n stuff.
Anyways this lady calls
"Hello, I am searching for some material, and was wondering do you have two books?"
me "I can guarantee you that we have two books here"
Uncontrollable laughter in the other end for a good while, before she manages to specify what books she's searching for
My wife woke up late. So she asked me to help her with her morning routine, things like making her a lunch and stuff like that. When she was ready for work, she said, "Thanks, Husband. Sorry you had to pick up the slack. I got a little behind."
I teasingly said, "Is it under the rest of it?" ^^Oh ^^man, ^^I ^^hope ^^she ^^finds ^^this ^^funny.
Thankfully, she got a good laugh out of it.
Was complaining to a newly married buddy about how a couple of other dudes were using fairly cheap equipment for a particular job when he starts going on the defensive-
"Hey! Some people can only afford the goodwill stuff."
"I guess.."
"You can get some nice deals there. You hear about the sale at the farewell store?"
"No..?"
"There were a lot of good buys."
-____-
So my Pops asks if I could help him get the Christmas "stuff" down from the loft with him. We have a loft above the garage where we store seasonal decorations.
He'll go up in the loft and I'll stand on the middle of the ladder, where he hands me the plastic containers, which I'll place on the floor.
As soon as he gets up there I see that the most accessible and logical box to take down first is the one with the wrapping paper. I reach for it and he shoos me away coming up with an excuse to leave it up there for the time being.
Right then and there I knew exactly what he was doing and I couldn't stop it.
We get the absurd amount of containers down until there's only the one left. He hands it too me and says, "Whelp.. that about wraps it up. Haha."
It's not even that good and I knew it was coming for the whole half-hour, but never the less I rolled my eyes and gave him his moment of glory. He deserves it.
I went to the convenience store on my college campus because I needed to get some nail clippers. A girl I knew walked in and this exchange was had after we had started talking:
Me: The only good clippers they had were in this pack with this other body care stuff, do you want any of it?
Girl: Sure, but those are toenail clippers. There are some fingernail clippers over there (very small ones).
Me: I have very thick nails, so those won't cut it.
The look she gave me told me how close she was to groaning.
Edit: Spelling
Little bit of context to start out. Had just dadjoked my wife mere seconds earlier about me being nervous to turn on the baby monitor since it is displaying c4 for channel 4 and the relation between explosives, what not etc. (you see where that was going)
Anyways, now that her guard is down (I don't think she was expecting a twofer) I pulled out this weird deli crab salad concoction she had just bought at the store, showed it to her and said with a look of disgust on my face, (she knows I don't like the stuff)
Me: "Seriously though, I just have one question for you."
Her: "I know you don't like the stuff I just got enough for me it was on a good sale!"
Me: "What the crab is this?"
Those precious few milliseconds where her expression transitions from confused to eye roll is my favorite part.
(Yes these jokes were all shamelessly planned)
I was telling my parents how my friend Adam was showing me all the stuff he bought for his new apartment and he turns to me with a sly grin on his face and said "Did you see Adam's apple?" My mom just shook her head/groaned while me and my Dad shared a good Dad laugh.
