He knitted his hands behind his head.
It is kneadless, to say.
Which was handy.
I recently purchased a pair of gloves and found out that they are both lefts... Which on one hand is ok.. but on the other it's just not right..
My daughter is having surgery on her knees today, and they are going to be inserting some cadaver parts into her knees. Looking for some good dad jokes.
So far, I've used, "bad weather's a comin', I can feel it in these old bones", "They aren't second-hand bones, they're second-knee bones", and "The knee bone's connected to...someone else's bone".
Ra ra ah ah ah, ro ma ro ma ma, ga ga ooh la la, want yo bad romance.
He didn't carrot all
They use sign language.
It was very time consuming.
Who would actually want to watch that?
But on the other hand, there's five fingers
It was a severe winter, and this particular night was bitterly cold. There was a loud knocking at the door which was opened to find Quasimodo shivering.
He was brought in, fed warm food and given a warm place to sleep. The next morning, at breakfast, Quasimodo very diffidently approached the Archbishop to thank him for sheltering him.
"Your Grace," he added, "please give me some work to do so I can earn my keep. I am very good at bell ringing."
"My son," replied the Archbishop, "that is indeed fortuitous timing, as our campanologist is leaving on a pilgrimage to Lourdes. I am wondering, though, with your gnarled hands, if you will not have some difficulty ringing the bells."
"Your Grace, I do not use my hands," Quasimodo explained. "Allow me to demonstrate."
They all went to the belfry, shooed away the bats, and Quasimodo started to ring the bells - with his head.
Everyone was impressed and he got the job. He would ring the bells every day at the appointed time.
For Christmas, he decided to play a symphony as a way to thank everyone. He played so beautifully that everyone was moved to tears.
For the grand finale, he decided to end with a crescendo, so as the last chimes were ringing out on the other nine bells, he drew back to the end of the belfry, ran to the tenth bell and took a flying leap at the bell.
And missed.
He couldn't stop himself, and flew straight out of the belfry to go splat on the pavement below, dead.
People gathered, the gendarmes were summoned, and they started asking if anyone knew who this poor fellow was.
Someone around spoke up, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."
(to be continued)
100% of the people in the tent were upset.
It went back for seconds
And I just donβt know how to deal with it.
On the other hand Iβm OK.
She visited the famous Prince of the East: Prince Merling.
As soon as she arrived, Prince Merling dropped to one knee and kissed her hand.
"Franklina! No one is as beautiful as you!"
The woman looked down at him and said, "Prince Merling, everyone calls me Frankly. Please call me that."
"Yes, my dear. Whatever you want. I wish to marry you! What would you like, anything in the world I will give it to you."
She paused, completely taken aback by the caring nature of the prince.
"Well the one thing I'd like is a massive area of water. I want it to be built by man. I want it to keep all this water together so it can be drunk by millions of people."
The Prince's face turned from excitement to disappointment.
βWhatβs wrong? Donβt you think this is a good idea?β she asked.
He stood slowly to his feet. Finally, with tears in his eyes he told her softly:
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a dam."
In fact, Iβm not even a person. Iβm merely a hand, in a furry glove, pretending to be a dogβs foot.
You guessed it, Iβm a faux paw.
They cost an arm or a leg.
They're a bit H-acidic
For instance, as we are getting ready to leave, my 4 year old handed me his coat and said, "Put it on, please."
So.... I put it on. It achieved a very satisfactory eye roll from my wife and got him laughing. I'd say it's just as good as a dad joke.
Personally, I use toilet paper.
It turned out to be a waist of time.
Go study abroad.
Because Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
I wanted things to end on a positive note.
Theyβre transgander.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit theyβre bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. βIβd like some wings and a pint of beer, please,β it says. βSorry, but I canβt serve you,β the bartender replies. βYouβre out of your head.β
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. βWe donβt serve your kind here,β the bartender says. βWhy not?β one yogurt asks. βWeβre cultured.β
A friend of mine didnβt pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. Heβs an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and thereβs a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, βWhat are you staring at? Havenβt you ever seen a horse tending bar before?β The guy says, βItβs not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.β
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, βWhatβs with the paper towel?β The pirate says, βArrr! Iβve got a Bounty on me head!β
A turtle is crossing the road when heβs mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, βI donβt know. It all happened so fast.β
Armed robbersβsome say theyβre a drain on society, but youβve got to give it to them.
Barbersβ¦you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Donβt forget the pickle. Itβs kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. Thereβs Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewisβ¦ Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit β‘Damn near poked my eyes out!
No Idea, she still hasnβt opened it
Rumor has it he was framed.
To get to the other slide
No idea but his face rings a bell.
It ends in a fight.
If you have a problem they'll put their finger right on it.
βRa Ra Ah Ah Ah Ro Ma Ro Ma Ma Ga Ga Ohh La Laβ (Lady Gaga)
Because a toothbrush works better.
cuz heβs never heard it before.
Took the family to the Grand Canyon today, on the drive out we passed a wind farm, and I said to the boy to check it out. He casually looks up from his iPad, looks out the window, then back to me, and straight faced says, βIβm a big fanβ.
So proud.
European
Safe to say I locked up my kitchen.
