Going to the People Puns

The title is "Two Wongs Make it Right"

I realise now that I was merely Polaroid.

It's a relatively untapped market

Toot Suite

I hope I get Doritos.

Bye then

But that’s another story.

Forest

I don’t have 2020 vision

Moses says, "NO WAY!" But God said, "YAHWEH!"

Scientists call it "car-pool tunnel syndrome"

MINNYY

I mean, he only had one Job.

... it's night.

But then we'd have to go to school every day.

My thots and players go out to him

I go Tuesdays and my wife takes Thursdays

Because all the winners are paid actors.

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

We're at the car rental place and they tell us it's going to be an hour long wait because they are short handed on people to wash the cars.

My dad says, "Why would you hire people with short hands to wash cars?"

...but I prefer to graze anatomy.

After the success of the 'K' car in the 1980s that revitalized Chrysler, Lee Iacocca brought in the design team to announce that he wanted to them to design a sports car line next. He then met with marketing and told them in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that the hood ornament of the car would be a snail and that this would be known as the S series of the Chrysler brand.

'Mr Iacocca, you've turned the company around so we trust you, but what is your thinking.'

'Well, I want people to see this new car passing them by and say...'Look at that S car go!'

Dave was bragging to his boss one day,

"You know, I know everyone famous there is to know"

"Go on - Just name someone, anyone, and I bet that know them"

Tired of his boasting, his boss decides to call Dave's bluff,

"OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"Not a problem boss"

"Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it"

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door.

Tom Cruise is at home and answers the door himself and shouts,

"Dave! What's happening?"

"Great to see you!"

"Come on in for a beer!

Although shocked and more than a little impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical and he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just pure luck.

"No, no, just name anyone else then"

Dave says.

"President Biden!"

His boss quickly retorts.

"Yup"

Dave says, "We're buddies from years ago"

"Let's fly out to Washington and I'll show you"

So they fly out to Washington and go on the Whitehouse tour"

"While walking through the White House, Biden himself appears, spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying,

"Dave, what a surprise,it's great to see you again after all this time"

"I was just on my way to a meeting but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up"

After they leave the White House grounds the boss tells Dave that he's still not entirely convinced.

Dave again implores him to name another famous person.

After thinking about it for a long timethe boss replies with,

"The Pope!"

"Sure thing!"

Says Dave,

"I've known the Pope for years - since before he became Pope in fact"

So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Saint Peter's Square at the Vatican.

Dave says,

"This will never work"

"I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people"

"Tell you what, I know all the Pope's guards here as well so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him,

"What happened?"

His boss looks up and says,

"It was the final straw"

"You and the Pope came out on the balcony and a Japanese tourist next to me said, to me... "

"Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?"

Imo, what makes a good dad joke is saying it so frequently that everyone almost expects it when the situation comes up, so I thought it would be fun to share some of our favourite go-to, day to day situational dad jokes. I'll start (most of these work better out loud):

Mine: Someone else: we'll be there around 8.30, 9. Me: that's very specific, not 8.38 or 8.40??

My dad's: Whenever we drive past a look out point he'll yell in a panicked kind of way "Lookout!!"

My husband's: Pretending not to see people dressed in camo, eg if someone dressed in camo is walking a dog "is that dog walking itself??" Bonus points if the other person doesn't realise what you're on about.

My sister's: Saying "hi, Drangea" whenever we walk past a hydrangea bush.

You'd think they were used to being stuck home

A Four chin teller

Tooth-hurtee

I said, "Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems from?"

Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan.

They just don't know how to act.

I've named it Jehovah's Fitness.

Because we need to be 18 to enter

My kid surprised me today with a handmade book with dad jokes. Each joke had an associated graphic too as a bonus! I'm so happy I wanted to share the joy with you guys.

These are the 26 jokes (some I've learned from here, but a few of them I've never heard):

1. I'm afraid for the calendar, its days are numbered.

2. My wide said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That's a big step forward!

3. What do a tick and the Eiffel tower have in common? They're both Paris sites.

4. What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

5. A skeleton walks into a bar and says - I'll have a beer and a mop please.

6. Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.

7. I don't trust trees, they're too shady.

8. I don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.

9. Did you hear the rumour about the butter? I did, but I'm not going to spread it!

10. Why couldn't the bicycle stand by itself? Because it was two-tired.

11. Why did Billy get fired from the banana packaging factory? He kept trowing away the bent ones.

12. Why was math so sad? Because of all its problems.

13. I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

14. A guy walks into a bar and got disqualified from the limbo contest.

15. Have you ever try to catch fog? I did once, but I mist.

16. Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because it was outstanding in its field.

17. What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.

18. I Was going to tell you guys a joke about time travel, but you guys didn't like it.

19. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

20. What do you call a belt made of watches? A waste of time.

21. Mountains aren't just funny, they're hill areas.

22. Why are piggy banks so wise? Because they're filled with common cents.

23. Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it's tearable.

24. You know, people say they pick their noses, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

25. What did zero said to eight? That belt looks great on you.

26. To whoever stole my Microsoft office, I will find you. You have my word.

I hope you find a few new ones too in this list.

Us.

(My 7-year-old daughter at the grocery store this morning).

It'll have 100% Swole Wheat.

My daughter and I have been trading these. Here is our current list - would love to hear more!

1. I lost my job at the chess factory. I couldn’t work knights.
2. I lost my job at the bank. A lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
3. I lost my job at the keyboard factory. I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
4. I lost my job at the calendar factory. I took too many days off.
5. I lost my job as a maze designed. I got lost in my work.
6. I lost my job as an electrician. I was shocked!
7. I lost my job as a psychic. I didn’t see it coming!
8. I lost my job at the funeral home. Apparently, the options are “cremation” or “burial,” not “smoking” or “non-smoking.”
9. I lost my job as an astronomer. I thought my work was looking up!
10. I lost my job as a cyber criminal. I couldn’t hack it.
11. I lost my job as a human cannonball. I got fired!
12. I lost my job as a garbage collector. I had no training but I thought I would pick it up as I go.
13. I lost my job as a math teacher, same job I’ve had since 2000. That’s 46 years down the drain!
14. I lost my job in pool maintenance. It was too draining.
15. I lost my job as a fisherman. I didn’t make enough net income.
16. I lost my job as a baker. I really kneaded the dough!
17. I lost my job as a historian. There was no future in it.
18. I lost my job as a tour guide in Australia. I did not have the right koalafications.
19. I lost my job at the upholstery repair shop. I may never recover.
20. I lost my job as a massage therapist. I rubbed people the wrong way.
21. I lost my job as a seamstress. And I tried sew hard.
22. I lost my job as a musician. I just wasn’t noteworthy.
23. I lost my job at the unemployment office. And I still need to go back there tomorrow.
24. I lost my job feeding giraffes. I just wasn’t up to it.
25. I lost my job as a water slide attendant. My career is going down the tubes.
26. I lost my job at the paper shredding factory. It was a tearable job.
27. I lost my job as a drummer. I’m sure there will be repercussions.
28. I lost my job as a pole vaulter. I'll never get over it.
29. I lost my job as a pet groomer. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.
30. I lost my job as a pastry tester. That job was a piece of cake.
31. I lost my job as a mirror inspector. I could see myself doing that for a long time.
32. I lost my job as a yoga instructor. I bent over backwards for them.
33. I lost my job at Dunkin. It’s ok, I was fed up wit

Are people just jealous? Go to the gym if you want arms like mine!