A Scotsman visits his doctor. He pulls his kilt up and says doctor you have to help me I'm going crazy
The doctor says I can clearly see your nuts
If you're going to take up Cross Country skiing...
It's best to start with a small Country.
I was going to get up...
But then I put my foot down and decided there will be no more of that around here.
My kid asked me if I’m going to put the Christmas tree up myself.
I said I was gonna put it up in the living room.
What’s the new FedEx and UPS merger going to be called?
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him is that a Fret!
I saw a man going up a hill with a trolley full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit's feet...
I thought, “Well he's pushing his luck!”
I was going crazy, looking around, trying to figure out who said "heads up"
And that's when it hit me...
I’m going to pick up a pack of smokes
Alright listen up, because I’m only going to say this once
My school going son throws a tantrum everytime I bring up maths and numbers in ordinary conversations
Well, what can i say, kids his age are irrational
Do you know why the cost of balloons is going up?
“Now how’s he going to read that newspaper all rolled up like that!?"
I woke up on top of my house this morning, and the last thing I remember was going to the bar...
I’m afraid someone roofied me
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
We were going to have chicken for supper, but ended up having rabbit.
UPS says my book on evergreen herbs from the mint family lamiaceae is going to be delivered tomorrow by end of day.
My friend likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly.
It was a little drum attic.
In ~9 moths, there's going to be a baby boom. These babies will be known as "Coronials" and will grow up to become a quaranteen.
At the therapist’s office, I asked my wife, “You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, won’t you?”
We’re going to pick up my glasses from the optometrist
What are we doing next? We’ll see.
A college kid finished up his spring semester and is going back home to see his parents.
Son: Hey Dad! It’s great to see you again, I like your new beard.
Dad: Thanks son. When I first stopped shaving I didn’t like it, but then it grew on me.
Me to my 4 year old: "What are you going to be when you grow up?"
I was in an elevator with my wife when a couple entered with their kids. I went out of my way to ask what floor they were going up to so I could push the button for them.
I wanted to prove to my wife that I was serious about raising a family.
Why does the price of balloons keep going up?
My Friend is going to a fancy dress party and said he's going to dress up as a small island off the coast of italy...
Son: That's a big Christmas tree, Dad. Are you going to put it up yourself?
Dad: No, son. I'm going to put it in the living room.
My daughter is going to be a great dad..I came up stairs into the kitchen like a zombie...
she turned to me holding a bag of rice....."Graaaiiinsss"
I was going to wake up early to watch the sun rise.
But then it dawned on me that I should sleep in.
He is going to be chained up
I'm thinking about going into day trading. If anyone is interested, hit me up.
I have a Monday or Wednesday I can trade you for an extra Saturday or Sunday.
Dad brings home a nice framed photo. Me: Hey dad, are you going to put it up yourself?
Dad: No, I'm going to put it up on that wall
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
What's the worst part about going up an eye ladder?
Last christmas we bought a fake christmas tree and the man behind the counter said, "Are you going to put it up yourself?"
Disgusted, Dad replied, "Don't be silly, I'm putting it in the living room!"
Wow, that’s really high up there. I’m going to need either a ladder or a step stool.
A sheepdog tells the farmer he's going to round up the sheep and comes back with 50 sheep and the farmer says "We only have 48 sheep."
The dog replies "I said I was going to round them up,"
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My wife asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I said: “Of course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.”
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
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