God Forgives... I Don't! Puns

I had a strong spiritual experience at one time when I was very suicidal, and it filled me with so much love that it pulled me out of that suicidal place. But all these things happened that were connected afterwards, and I can see now clearly that it was a test for me. Instead of listening and following and understanding, I got scared, ran away, and tried to hide from all of this. I just wanted life to be normal. Like other people. I was extremely foolish, and since then I have been punished repeatedly, over and again, with one health problem after another, for years. It's almost non-stop and I feel destroyed. I realize only now how kind God was to me so long ago, and how childish, foolish, and ungrateful I was. I wonder now why God doesn't guide me or help me, but when he was guiding me I abandoned all guidance? I actually hate myself now. I'm like Dr. Faustus, and I wonder how God could ever love me again.

I have always wondered what happens if you don't fast. I have not been able to find anywhere that answers my questions. The closest I could get was from my priest, which was on the lines of it being not a sacrament, but more of a spiritual discipline. I really butchered what he said, but I thought i'd mention what I remembered. Also, there's the quote in the bible that it isn't what goes into a man, but what he says.

I'm in a situation, due to living situations and medical situations, where it's hard to completely keep the fast, and I pray God forgives me. Either way, has there ever been an official church statement regarding this?

There is no god.

The way cahmella reacted made me laugh so hard. AJ having existential awakenings in high school English...

When I awakened in that psychedelic state of consciousness, I was dissipating all the thoughts that came at will, and I thought that I had the power to become whatever I wanted and to create whatever I wanted. Suddenly I had fear and eyes were appearing everywhere after watching a single white dot expanding and time felt like eternal.

When I asked for forgiveness to God I felt the places of Jesus Christ in which he was crucified and started bleeding there, when I saw myself on the mirror I saw that the shape of my face changed. I told “God” I didn’t want that yet and wanted something better to offer him because I felt miserable.

Since then I’ve only felt fear but somehow I know that all that I experienced was mostly the subconscious mind of men manifesting in me, and that I was extremely biased on my fear and reacted to it very strongly.

I meditate often and very often, and just recently I “discovered” my understanding about the “I” being just an illusion. I am traumatized though, that the experience I had will repeat itself again, because I feel like I created this God through my culture, and I often see things as good or bad and guide myself through this feeling.

I am also scared that if I reach a point of high spirituality, I will become “stuck” in the moment for eternity and I will cease existing and will never come back to this world again to this “I” that wants to achieve a great deal on the art field, specifically on performing arts. Anyone has any suggestion? I’ve been very involved in pursuing a spiritual path for the last year and I’m scared for losing my “ego” again after that LSD trip.

But I feel that lately I’m able to watch my thoughts objectively... ( trying to say this with the least bit of self-defining identity or whatever that is called... Or pride for being?). Many spiritual paths start with a desire to become better or achieve something, maybe, but I think that on that process we lose that motivation of the ego and being seeing things finally as they are. I’m still on that process, that’s what I suppose I know.

But. She has never loved me like I was her child.

This type of advice fucks with me because I totally agree with it. If I could forgive and forget, I would. People don’t realize that your body will literally shut down when you’re faced with your abuser. Your mind dissociates, panics, shuts off. My body made the decision to fight my abuser. I just finally started to listen to it.

Anyway....what do you think of advice like this?

First time posting here so sorry for any mistakes. The past couple of days have been a whirlwind and right now I'm really questioning everything and if I should even continue my relationship. My mom abandoned me with my dad when I was 3. She just up and left one night, never to give a crap about me again. My dad didn't know how to raise a little girl but he did his best. He drank a lot and smoked a lot but he never hit me or was abusive to me. He supported me no matter what I wanted to do and did his best to be a good father. I met my now boyfriend 2 years ago through mutual friends at a party. We hit it off instantly. 3 months into our relationship, he revealed me to he had a kid and it would be a dealbreaker if I couldn't handle that. I basically became a stepmom at 18 and didn;t mind it. He wanted me to move in with him and he would 'take care of me' and I was really dumb enough to believe it. My dad never said otherwise, he just supported me and even went as far as helping me pay to move to rhode island to be with my boyfriend and his kid.

On Monday I got the call that my dad passed away. He was only 45. His girlfriend hadn't heard from him in a couple of days and went to check on him and she found him in his bed. She thinks it was a heart attack or aneurysm but it's still not 100 percent confirmed. She was the one who called me to tell me about him being gone. I feel so guilty because he called me on Sunday night and I didn't answer. I didn't get one last chance to talk to my dad.

My boyfriend didn't even try to comfort me or anything when I told him. He was busy playing a video game and I asked him to please stop because I was trying not to have a breakdown. His response to my dad's passing was "Well all that drinking and smoking finally caught up with him huh?" I asked him what the fuck was his problem, my dad just died. I needed his support and needed him to go home with me and help me plan my dad's funeral because I had no idea what I was doing. He told me under no circumstances can I go home and help my dad's girlfriend plan his funeral. I can't leave him with his kid for the weekend alone, he says. He literally said "You're not allowed to go unless I say so" which just enraged me. I asked him what his problem was and his answer was "I never liked your dad and I don't want you going to his funeral. I need you here to help me take care of my kid when I'm at work. You're not going, end of story"

I've been seeing red ever since. I have sacrificed

My youngest is 12. She's in that awful in between stage where everything is imminent and crucial. She tries to be so grown up, but at the same time I can still see my baby girl in there.

She's in choir and concert band. The other day, DH asked her what she wants for Christmas. Her answer? I didn't want any presents, I just want you to come to my Christmas concerts this year. Don't buy me anything, just show up.

His reply? You know I can't promise you that, I might have to work.

Edit: I appreciate all the words of support. This was simply a rant, because I hate to see the heartbreak in my daughters eyes. For anyone wondering, he's a tow driver/ heavy equipment hauler. I understand that he is on call a lot. The company doesn't always keep enough drivers to cover everything. His boss can be a grade -a dick about time off. And my husband uses his vacation time every year for hunting season. He does provide for us financially, although I still have to work full time as well.

Hi all. I'd started meditating for about a month, which i loved. After this time I saw my local Buddhist centre was giving free meditation classes. I went to one of these classes and loved most of it, except for the final meditation in which we were instructed to tell ourselves we loved ourselves. I had to try really hard to stop myself from bursting into tears as this is something I really struggle with.

I can't say I do love myself. I've done some bad things. I think about them most days. The people I've hurt. They were my friends, and I betrayed them. I wish only that they live full and brilliant lives, and one day they can feel complete despite the wrongs I've done into them. It tears me apart knowing I've caused pain to these people. But I think feeling this way helps keep myself in check. I know I'll never make the same mistakes again as I feel so strongly about this dislike for myself.

I haven't meditated properly since that session at the Buddhist centre. It's been nearly 2 months. Every time I think about trying, I can only think of having to tell myself I love myself. I dont. I want to meditate, to feel the peace I was beginning to feel, but I don't want to confront those feelings again.

I'm not looking to be told I'm deserving of peace, or to seek absolvement for my actions from a stranger. My judgement is already made.

I want to know, how can I have the courage to face myself so honestly? I think my self image as a bad person is my number 1 issue in my life. I know if I want to move forward I must address this but, I'm fearful.

Many people, including me mostly, will think I am not deserving of peace, and I understand that. But then sometimes I think if I could become a better person then I could do proper justice to myself, the world, and others around me.

Edit: Thank you everybody for your wonderful responses. I appreciate all the practical advice on how to approach my issue, and I can say I feel more hopeful about my future. I will try the different meditations that have been suggested to me. I'm sending love to all of you

Also, apologies for the delay responding to your comments. I've turned off notifications for reddit as I was scared to see the responses. I hope you understand.

Long rant, sorry, it is for my own therapy.

I was a normal good teenage boy when I found the Mormon church in high school. I was a “dry Mormon,” I didn’t drink, didn’t party, was raised by non-religious parents to be nice to everyone just cuz. My parents did nice things for the community, they taught me not to be an asshole because that’s what you should just do, and they taught me that sex had major emotions connected to it that were probably best saved for marriage, and that self discovery before that was normal, at least that was how much we had covered by high school.

I moved in high school and needed friends. The Mormons made me feel special and loved, and it was so convenient that they didn’t pressure me to drink, and they were just silly fun people to hang out with. When I first heard about Joseph Smith and a current prophet I thought it was silly. But I wanted so badly to believe like everyone else, and if you want it long enough and try hard enough and put yourself in emotional enough situations, you get emotional confirmation and call that a testimony. Brad Wilcox came and spoke and made me feel the feels. He told us to never swear again, so I didn’t swear out loud even to myself alone for the next 20+ years. The YW of the ward fully executed the “Flirt to Convert” plan and it worked.

Timing worked that I next went straight to BYU and then on a mission, as a recent convert. I was taught in detail how to manipulate people, and that results were all that mattered. I felt sick inside at these teachings, and wanted to scream that none of this felt right, and none of it would have worked for me in my conversion, I would have run away. But I was being taught by priesthood leaders that this was South America and this is how it is here and you need to have faith in God and do it this way. I was told to feel ashamed if a month went by with no baptisms, that never happens to righteous missionaries there. I learned that the ends justify the means, and had great results and became a leader. I fully believed I needed to obey everything I was asked to do. I was obedient to every rule. For Christ’s sake, I didn’t masturbate for two years from age 19-21, what the hell? I thought everyone obeyed that, I was afraid I’d be sent home otherwise. Come to find out on this sub that while there were others like me, there were also plenty that ignored that one!

I came home and married in the temple. My wonderful parents weren’t able to come insid

Let me tell ya folks, it pisses my hobo ass off to the ends of this Earth when some of these hyper-sensitive new lurkin' greenhorns are calling me a fucking Gatekeeper, or tell me that I shouldn't remove posts that have ABSOLUTELY ZERO FUCKS to do with this ACTUAL FUCKING SUBREDDIT. I've gotten multiple comments and even 2 direct messages in which I was criticized for being a fucking "gatekeeper" today.

Are you goddamn kidding me? That is LITERALLY my fucking job, as a moderator, on ANY subreddit whatsoever! Alright...so, by me moderating my subreddit to remove completely irrelevant content, I'm now a Gatekeeper? Oh get the fuck out of here. Are you goddamn delusional, are you completely new to Reddit, or what? *shakes you by your fucking shoulders*

You know what, I'm just going to take you on a grand goddamn tour of r/Vagabond, and just fuck it, do it in a completely pissed off and condescending way that SOME of you fucktwads completely goddamn deserve. Step righhhhhhhht this way...

Well hey there! Welcome to r-fucking-vagabond! Pretty cool little squat huh? Well it used to actually be A LOT better before it was spammed with SHITPOSTS from people who don't know wtf subreddit they are on or where to post appropiate shit to the ACTUAL appropriate subreddits.

Posts of elderly couples wearing cutesy-wutsey shirts? NO. Videos of some jackass pissing on a passed-out old homebums face? Fucking NO. Pictures of going to some Google corporate appoinment because you have a hipster purse? GODAMMIT NO!

NO, NO, NO, AND *wags his finger* NOOOOOOOOO!

And what the fuck were some of you thinking voting the post of the elderly couple with the r/aww shirts on to 1.2k upvotes? WHAT THE FUCK? Jesus fucking christ now come on here, you gotta help a hobo out here a little bit, for fucks sake. Voting that shit to the frontpage of Reddit, before I could even wake up, fuckin-a y'all, good job. Fantastic. Fuck.

Let's just get on with the grand tour. Alright folks, see that right up there? *points towards the far right corner*...Yep, that says, repeat after me, r/Vagabond. Nopppppe doesnt say r/wtf, or r/aww, or r/hipster.....nope it says V-A-G-A-B-O-N-D.

And see right below that? That's called our subreddit description. Here I'll read it outloud to you to save you the obvious effort of apparently not EVER FUCKING READING IT BEFORE:

"A digital community created by vagabonds, for vagabonds! Hitchhikers, Trainhoppers, Rubbertramps, Backpackers, and more

Where we have the sahabi Hatib (r) forgiven by the Prophet (saw) for aiding the disbelievers against the Muslims, some silly online redditors rant about criticizing someone for making humane mistakes, who is a scribe of revelation itself whose greatness was testified by Ibn Abbas (r) himself.

They act as if they are infallible themselves who's reached a status high enough to make judgements on the sahaba while most of them can't even recite the Qur'an properly!

(one of them whose name I shall not mention even sent me tampered translations of the verses of the Quran! And he frequently lurks on this subreddit going around denying ahadith from even Bukhari)

What times we live in!

 

Finally, a reminder:

Ibn Hajr al-Asqalani (r):

>Ahl as-Sunnah are unanimously agreed that it is obligatory not to slander any of the Sahabah because of what happened between them because of disputes, even if one knows which group among them was right, because they did not fight in those wars except on the basis of what they thought was right (ijtihad), and Allah, may He be Exalted, has forgiven the one who is mistaken in his ijtihad. Indeed it is proven that he will be given one reward, and the one who gets it right will be given two rewards

This is a long story.

I guess it's safe to say my father was (is?) an asshole. Thanks to him: 1) my mother got cervical cancer bc he cheated her a lot and give her HPV 2) my mother has no friends. She used to, I remember that when I was little and my father wasn't around, her friends would come and chat, have a few drinks and stuff. But he always got angry if he found out. Eventually, my mom stopped seeing her friends and I believe was lonely for a long time until she got into the neocatechumenal way and started believing that with love and prays you can change someone, or so she was told by a priest. So, even though my father give her a fatal STD, she forgave him. Even though her biological sisters told her that he was getting out of hand.

There's other stuff too: A) my dad used to be an alcoholic. I remember nights when he got home screaming and demanding stuff. Mornings seeing his body covered in blood. B) He has a bad temper, like really bad. She didn't talk to us, he screamed at us. He used to say that fear is the only way of learning, so when we (my brothers and I) did something wrong, he made us kneel down and beg for forgiveness. The stuff we did that was bad could go from being too weak to lift something to break a glass. C) He got into a fight with my brother about a year and a half ago bc he tried to hit my mom. D) He made us feel like a burden. I was, and still am, afraid of asking for money or things I needed for school or similar. When we did, bc we had to and our mom made us, we said thanks as a child should be but he always answered with "what's a thanks good for me?". It made us feel worse that he does give money to friends or his side of the family. A friend ask for $100 in a casual encounter in the street, here you go; my cousin want money? Shoot, here's double the amount. E) My mother always have his back. No matter what terrible thing he does, she made sure to look at the bright side (at least he's not a junkie, at least he isn't cheating anymore, at least he stopped drinking, at least our family doesn't suffer economically)

I'm sure there's more stuff, but that's what I can remember rn.

So anyway around 2019 I decided to try for the last time to fix the family, because we don't get around. I can't remember the last time I smiled in front of them (mom and dad) and I honestly can't look at them.

So I got my shit together and had a little chat with him, about how I feel, how I'm scared of him, how I do

I just finished the Ted talk titled No More Drama With Mama. It’s basically this woman talking about how she had to forgive her mom in order to be happy. I agree a hundred percent that forgiveness is completely necessary to heal. But, I just can’t bring myself to forgive my mother.

I’ve endured so much hurt from her just this past year alone and I feel it’s unfair for me to just let that go. I know it’s also unfair to myself to hold onto it. I guess really, what I feel is that I’m tired of just swallowing my feelings and having to be fake with her because I live in her house.

The fact is I’m very angry with her, and I’ve lost trust and respect for her. In a way that can never be restored. I looked at her with so much admiration as a young kid but she changed and now as an adult I’m seeing abusive/narc tendencies that were always there (getting mad if you disagree/correct her, being snarky for no reason, grandiosity). And I’m disillusioned. So for now, as crazy as it sounds, I guess I want to stay mad at her.