To get his quarterback
"Tony!"
HotShingles.com
…I’ll see myself out.
Unfortunately they travelled in different circles.
I said 9mm.
I was in the city last night, and someone stole all four of my wheels!
I swear I will work tirelessly to find them. When I do, I'll make the rounds to seek their accomplices. I'm gonna let them know where the rubber meets the road. Im going to screech & squeal at them, burn them to the ground in a cloud of smoke!
Wednesday (14th) is the Ides of March. As in "beware the Ides of March" when Julius Caesar was stabbed by his rivals. "Et tu Brute" and all that.
I have a team meeting that day and the manager will be biting his tongue not to add a pun or two. (Good friendly team. It will go down well.) So I'm trying to think of a couple of low key phrases I could mention to hint at the day, or setting him up so he can't help it.
Any suggestions?
I have a few starting thoughts but don't want to poison the well of creativity by sharing first.
Edit. I wrote puns and then posted. I should simply have said jokes.
Now I have no idea who I drink with
This was not any ordinary bird however, as he was able to speak and understand English at a perfect level. For quite a while, he didn't use it much to his advantage. He was content simply fluttering around and living peacefully with his bird wife.
But one day, tragedy struck! Our bird one day woke up to an empty nest, no bird kids, no bird wife, just him and some twigs.
He starts asking around his bird community, and eventually pieces together that his bird wife got tired of him and his lack of ambition. She took the bird kids and flew off to stay with her bird Mother.
Our bird was left with an overwhelming sense of listlessness, realizing that everything he had worked towards in his bird life was now gone.
Our bird, now destitute and lonely, decided he was tired of bird life, and wanted to use his English speaking ability to try something new.
He decides to fly into the nearest human town, and observe for a bit. He perched himself on a tree overlooking the main street of the town, and simply watched.
After an hour or two, he noticed several people heading into a building, one labelled as "Bar". He decides that if he wants to truly utilize his prowess of the English language, the best place to start is with other English speakers, so he flies down to the building and hops his way inside.
Our bird makes his way over the bar, hops up on a stool, and says "Hey bartender, can I get a drink?" The bartender and a few other people nearby notice that these words came out of a bird and are immediately and completely enthralled and bewildered by this sight.
The bartender saunters over and asks "Did you just ask for a drink? But you're a bird! I've never seen anything like this before, but if you want a drink I'm happy to oblige".
The bartender pours the bird some water, places it in front of him, and they start chatting. After realizing what was happening, every patron at the bar is standing around the bird, eager to get another peek at this otherworldly phenomenon. People ask the bird some questions, and the bird happily responds, informing them all of his plight and his goal to take full advantage of his gift. More people make their way to him, snapping pictures and videos to share with their friends. The bird loves all the attention and is more than happy to indulge each and every customer who comes up to him.
After a few hours, closing time rolls around. Most people make their way out of the bar, ecstatic to share their newfound memories with family an
... keep reading on reddit ➡The marionberry
Turns out she was just going to the cat-holic church
Because he really likes log functions
This is a compilation from the internet, and a few I made or heard myself. Hope you laugh!
^((Elephant Jokes were a thing from the 1960s. You can read about them on Wikipedia.))
^((Each section should be read all at once, in order. Some sections also reference previous sections. ))
Mouse
Q: Why did the elephant run from the mouse?
A: Because it had a bazooka.
Q: Why did the mouse chase the elephant?
A: To steal the bazooka.
Toenails
Q: Why did the elephant paint its toenails red?
A: So it could hide in a cherry tree.
Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: Works, doesn't it?
Q: How can you tell if an elephant is hiding in a cherry tree?
A: Tickle the cherries and see if they laugh.
Q: What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
A: A giraffe eating cherries.
Q: How can you tell if there have been elephants in your fridge?
A: There are footprints in the custard.
Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails yellow?
A: That's not paint, it's custard.
Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red, blue, green, orange, yellow, and brown?
A: So they can hide in a bag of M&Ms.
Q: How did the mouse break his back?
A: He tried to carry a bag of M&Ms home from the store.
Oak Trees
Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.
Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?
A: Parachute him from an airplane.
Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 1 and 2 in the afternoon?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the oak tree?
A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the oak tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the oak tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
Q: And why did the oak tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
Q: Why is it dangerous to walk in the forest between 3 and 4 in the afternoon?
A: That's when the elephants fall out of the oak trees.
Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that crossed the woods at 3:30 in the afternoon.
Under the Bed
Q: How can you tell if there’s an elephant under your bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Q: How can you tell if there's an elephant in your bed?
A: He has a big 'E' on hi
... keep reading on reddit ➡He was sick of going to “board” meetings.
My dad, my mom and I were talking about going to look at tuxedos for my approaching nuptials...
Dad: Why don't y'all run up to [tuxedo store] and I'll leave in a while and meet you there.
TheMagnarOfNoww: Why are you going to wait a while to leave?
Dad: Well y'all are running there, I'm going to drive so it won't take me as long. [outright laughter]
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡My son wasn't doing well in the school he was in so my wife and I decided to pull him and try something else. I had a meeting with his new teacher to discuss curriculum and the things he will learn and I couldn't stop thinking about how attractive she was.
She caught me checking her out and seemed annoyed at first but then gave me a look that she liked it. I made my move and she responded positively. One thing lead to another and we ended up having sex. It was really good and I can't wait to have sex with her again.
So I would say that homeschooling is going pretty well so far.
(Joke's not original. But i thought this sub would like this}
Right after the guards turn out the lights in the block, it gets quiet for a second, then he hears a lone voice at the end say "27!" The whole block erupts in laughter. The new guy asks his cellmate what is going in.
The cellmate explained "The guards don't like us talking after lights out. But we love jokes. We know all the jokes by heart, so we number them. When one of us wants to tell a joke, one of us calls out the number and everyone gets a good laugh."
The new guy look skeptical, so the cellmate says "You can try it. You can call out any number, and we will know the joke." The new guys shrugs, then calls out "43!" The whole block meets him with dead silence, not a peep. The cellmate says "Well, I guess not everybody can tell a joke."
I played tennis in the morning before going in, I didn't change or anything, left the silly half hat and the entire outfit on. Showed up and introduced myself by saying "nice to meet you all, I'm Dan, your new super visor."
She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa. He asks her - why did you say that? I don't know, I just felt like saying it. The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence. A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma. Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath. The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents). Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night. The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable. He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled. His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day. His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps...
Hey everyone, not a dad yet, but Im getting ready for when the moment comes.
Earlier today we had a team meeting and one of my colleagues was telling us about her experience going to Pompeii the previous week, so I saw an opportunity and took it.
Me: While you were up there, did you close your eyes?
Her (visible confusion): N..no, why?
Me: Because, apparently, when you close your eyes it almost feels nothing changed at all.
Whole room: silent
10 seconds later: groans and laughter.
Felt amazing.
I saw a struggling crocodile alcoholic. I offered him to go to AA meetings but he didn't want to. He was being in the Nile.
Tunnel boring is kind of ... well, boring ... so the Eurotunnel publicity people thought it would be neat to show something on the surface when the tunnel opened. Because of the way the dual channel 'Chunnel' was excavated, with the tunnels meeting each other half-way, it was decided that two twin-hull ships should cross each other over the channel waters (one starting from Dover called "One Two Three - Go!" and once starting from Calais called "Un Duex Trois - Alles!").
The idea was for them to pass each other and set off confetti and so on for publicity reasons. Unfortunately the weather on the channel was so inclement to the catamarans that the Un Deux Trois cat' sank.
Puns for Educated Minds ...
-
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
-
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
-
She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
-
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
-
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
-
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
-
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
-
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
-
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.. The police are looking into it.
-
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
-
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12.. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
-
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
-
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
-
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
-
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
-
A backward poet writes inverse.
18.. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
-
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
-
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
-
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22.. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
23.. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24.. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
-
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
-
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
A single woman gives birth to twins but can’t keep them, so she gives them up for adoption. They are adopted out to separate families, a Mexican family, and an Arabic family. 15 years go by, the woman is now married and decides she’d like to meet her twins.
She’s able to track down the Mexican family and meets her boy. He’s doing great. All she has to go on is a first name for the other twin, but can’t seem to track him down. She gets frustrated, months go by eventually her husband has had enough and tries to reason with her.
He says “Dear, it’s going to be ok if you don’t meet both, they’re twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
Source: comment in an askreddit thread,credit: u/kingomtdew
4 Nuns have sinned and are meeting with a priest for forgiveness. Priest asks first nun what she had done, she says I touched a man with my left hand. Piest says wash your hand in this holy water and you'll be cleansed. Priest asks second nun what she had done. Nun says I touched a man with my right hand. Priest says wash your hand in this holy water and you'll be cleansed. Fourth Nun asks third Nun if she could go next. Third Nun says of course but why sister. Fourth Nun says, well sister I know you have to sit in that water and I have to drink it..
So this is a true story, and maybe I’ll go to hell for telling it, but I expect I’ll meet the actual perpetrator there:
At baseball practice last night, a coach asked if I’d seen the rabbit — the dead one. What? He had me look by a fence where there wasn’t a dead bunny, but HALF of one: Literally (and eerily) just the bottom half, with the top completely missing. Still shuddering over this.
Properly disposed of it and was feeling unsettled, but sprung right back to true dad form when he jokingly accused me of harming the rabbit. I told him that he knew it couldn’t have been me — I’ve never been one to split hares
My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people.
One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally.
Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?”
My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.”
Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is.
Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”
Edit (10/22/2014): Probably won't be seen or noticed by anyone, but my baby niece was just born today! She's on the opposite side of the country, but I can't wait to meet her!
The year is 2100, there is a fisherman who just finished dinner and he asks his grandson to go 'get the old bay' so his grandson goes into the pantry and gets the old bay seasoning
The old fisherman says
"boy! that's not the old bay! go and get the old bay!" so the grandson goes back into the pantry, and he looks everywhere, but he can't find anything marked "old bay"
So he goes back to the old fisherman and says, defeated
"I can't find the old bay"
The fisherman groans
and walks outside
a few minutes pass by
and then the old fisherman comes back inside with his wife
and says
"THAT'S not the old bay"
and then he points at his wife and says
"THIS is the 'Old Bae'"
note: I've told this joke at my job in two separate meetings. They are quite fond of "dad jokes" so I thought I would try to share it, and I gotta tell you. The silence was deafening both times. It's now evolving into an ironic joke we tell to make people cringe. So proud of it.
It was the perfect meet cute and we kept both copies even after getting married. It was sweet. Not all things are meant to last and when things got a bit rocky we decided to get divorced. I let her keep the apartment and moved my stuff out. Unfortunately, we live in one of those states that mail out ballots. She sent me a text a week after I had left to let me know my ballot had come to the apartment. We had ended things amicably, but neither of us wanted to see each other so soon. Committed to my civic duty, I dropped by after work the next day. When she opened the door she was in tears. She had me come in and I immediately saw it, I had forgotten to take my copy of the movie. Somehow, this felt more final than actually signing the divorce papers. I still cared about her, so I asked if she wanted to talk at all. She shook her head and said through tears, “Just take your Up, vote and go.”
So, we're going to a Fulham football match, my Dad is meeting me outside the ground but he's running late. I spoke to my Mum asking where he is and she says he's not far away but in a bad mood because he's got a cold, he left later than intended and the traffic was awful!
He arrives and we walk in about 10 mins late and as we walk through the turnstiles, Fulham score and we hear a massive cheer from the stands, we're below the stands at this moment and can't see.
We take our seats and a couple of minutes later I look over at my Dad's phone. My Mum has texted my Dad asking if he's arrived at the ground ok and his text that he'd written out was "Yes, everyone cheered when we walked in!".
Bloody love that man.
...since he is a megastar with lots of clout, Buckingham Palace agrees and a few days later he gets his meeting with her.
"Your Majesty, a couple of months ago you ennobled an eye scientist for his contributions to ophthalmology," said Cristiano. "I saw it on TV and was touched by his story, how he grew up in poverty but eventually became this great and learned man. He reminds me of myself a bit, how I grew up poor but managed to become a great footballer."
"So," says Cristiano, "I decided to write a play about him, all about the study of eyes and how they work as well as the scientist's life story. I have brought the manuscript to you, so that you can deliver it to him in person."
Cristiano hands the Queen the manuscript that he is carrying. The Queen squints at his handwriting on the front page of the manuscript..."I'm going a little blind," she says, "please could you tell me what it says here?"
Cristiano replies, "Eye Play for Man You Knighted."
"Yes I know that, you idiot," replies the Queen.
So it was my first time meeting my girlfriend's family and it was a holiday so I had assumed it would go like how it is in the movies, the guy being constantly criticized by the girl's family and told he's not good enough but I must have lucked out as they absolutely loved me, after we had the traditional thanksgiving meal at around 4, her family and I went to the porch to drink and joke around. On the way out to the porch, buzzed me thought it would be hilarious to take someone's ukelele with me and hide it on the porch, I promised myself that before the day is over, I'd use that ukelele as a joke piece and get everyone to love me even more. So the evening is going great, everyone's drunk, laughing, telling funny family stories when all of a sudden, I stand up, get everyone's attention and I grab the ukelele, picked it up and said
"I like to play a little guitar"
The hysterical, drunken laughs of everyone on the porch was the highlight of the best Thanksgiving I've ever had.
So last night, i proposed to my girlfriend of 7 years. We went to go watch Boyz ii Men out here in Las Vegas. I had purchased the meet and greet package to which the entire show staff and Boyz ii Men were completely aware about what I was about to do.
After I had popped the question, there was silence, Wanya turns over to my girlfriend, and says, "You can say, he's On Bended Knee." I heard my girlfriend silently groan under her breath, before she said YES!
I'm notorious for puns in our relationship, so after he came through with that punchline, she knew that they were in on it too. What an honorable night for a dadjoke!
Photos of the moment here!
http://imgur.com/a/pIO0h
"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"
"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."
Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."
"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...
Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.
"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.
Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T
... keep reading on reddit ➡After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.
Many years passed by like that.
At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.
With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:
-
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:
-
Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.
A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:
-
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:
-
Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:
-
Thank you
I'm asking for a friend.
He meets Peter at the Pearly Gates and says to Peter “I want to meet the Lord”. Peter tells him to wait and he goes to the Lord and says “There’s a guy who wants to meet you. What do I tell him?” The Lord says “Ask him what he has done”. Peter returns and asks him. The guy says “I gave a man a dollar once”. Peter tells the Lord this. The Lord says “Ask him what else”. The man says this time “I gave a woman a dollar too”. Peter tells the Lord this and asked the Lord again “What should I do?” The Lord said “ Give him back his 2 bucks and tell him to go to hell”.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
Did you sea what I did there?
Aw come on, I'm shore you laughed at that one.
I promise you there's nothing fishy going on here.
I hope my puns meet up to your scales.
The first be says, "How's it going?"
The 2nd be responds, "Terrible, I've been flying all over and I can find any flowers with nectar, no pollen, nothing!"
Bee #1 says, "Look here, there's a bar mitzvah about 4 blocks over. They have flowers everywhere."
Bee #2 says, "Thanks, I'll check it out!"
Later that afternoon they meet again...
Bee #2, "Man, that was awesome! It was just like you said! Thanks a bunch!"
Bee #1, "No problem! But what's that on your head?"
Bee #2, "It's a yarmulke. I didn't want them to think I was a WASP."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He notices that a large group of people are gathered in the bar's banquet room. "What's going on in there?" he asks the bartender. "It's the annual meeting of Rolled Up Newspaper Enthusiasts," the bartender replies. "Oh, interesting," the guy says. "I'd love to be a fly on the wall in there.... ..... no... wait...."
I am a construction manager, and a couple years ago my boss asked me to go meet a new subcontractor who we had never worked with before. When he arrived to the site he had a younger guy with him. He walks over and says "Hi, my name is Ron Anderson, and this is my son, Ron". I couldn't stop myself. I looked this stranger dead in the eye and said "Well, you know, two Ron's don't make a right!".
Neither he nor his son were amused. But they still did the work. Honestly, though, how many times in your life are you actually going to get the chance to say that. Carpe diem.
