I'm a teacher and every day I write a Dad Joke from this sub on the board. Today a student said this to me... I was about to go off... before I got the Dad Joke.

Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"

Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*

Me: "Well played."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Plane_Garbage
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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The prosecutor offered the ballet dancer two choices after she did not pay her mountain of parking tickets. A) Say guilty, pay them off, and get probation for 6 months or B) Say Not Guilty and go to trial and perhaps serve 6 months in jail.

She took plea A.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Where do veggies go after they get off the airplane?

To Cabbage Claim!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oatli
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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The bomb didn't want to go off.

So it refused.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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Where do lizards go when their tails come off?

The retail store

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twunts
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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i went to a restaurant and the waitress threw a piece of meat on the ceiling. she offered me $100 to go and get it off and i replied:

No, the steaks are too high!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mferrari24
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
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What do you call an alarm that doesn’t go off ?

A dumbbell.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kaelp667
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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Where do birds go to show off their skills?

Talon shows

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cornelius_M
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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Why did the gun go off on someone?

It was triggered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewZabar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him go faster. If anything it made him more sluggish.
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trispir
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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A man went into a toy store and ripped the arms off of every teddy bear in the store. Why did the judge let him go free?

He had the right to bear arms.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roivas14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
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A joke from my daughter: Where does a tongue go to drop off its old clothes?

The Salivation Army

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KidRadicchio
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
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My dad said jerking off will make you go blind.

Hey dad, why are you telling that mannequin not to jerk off?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gointobeathell
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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Did you hear about the young BDSM member that had to go to court for abuse, but was let off on a technicality?

The judge said he was just a whippersnapper.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
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If you ever see money jumping off a cliff, don't go after it. Everyone says, it is very hard to save money.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shagminer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
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My friend takes time off work to go dig for water in drought stricken areas.

He has a well paying job.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
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People have a misconception that if you take the shell off snails, it will go faster...

But they just end up being sluggish.

Edit: Don't thank me, the wife laid this one on me just now. I told her was going to post this on reddit, she said we've run out of stamps.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bthefreeman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2015
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Why did the architect turn around, switch the light off, and go to bed?

His erection failed on him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pd_conradie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
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Isn't a bit odd that you have to go completely off the grid to get away and recharge yourself?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
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My wife keeps waking me up to go turn off the computer and then turn it back on again.

I hate these late night rebooty calls.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2018
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Didja hear about the brewer who put off his deliveries to go to a vineyard?

He was sittin' on the bock of the day, tastin' wine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spacefiddle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2018
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If a dogs tail falls off, where does it go to get a new one?

The Re-Tail Store

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PyroWolfi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
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The Egyptian sun god asked me why I go to work each morning. I told him it's primarily to pay off the loan I took out on dried grapes.

"It's my raisin debt, Ra."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mimicgogo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2014
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How does a bomb choose not to go off?

It refuses.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2015
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I once decided to go off meat for a while.

What a huge miss steak.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoureAMuenster
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2017
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Me and my father were looking for something too keep the wind off us whilst we go camping.

Dad said mother was the best windbreaker he knew

Credit: my dad- 5mins ago

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2016
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Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

The Retail store

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HANZ06
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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Took the shell off my racing snail to see if I could make it go faster...

Just made it a bit sluggish.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
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I took the shell off my pet snail to make him go faster

But now he’s even more sluggish than before

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpittingCake
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
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I took off the shell of my snail to make him go faster...

but now he is more sluggish.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/valdes2011
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
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I took the shell off my racing snail to make it go faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AcousticHigh
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
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A snail was told he would go faster if he took his shell off.........

...... but it just made him more sluggish!

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WoodChopperDaz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
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Where do dogs go when their tails fall off?

The re-tail store.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imsickwithupdog
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2017
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Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

The retail store

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/i-right-i
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2017
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I took the shell off my racing snail to make him go faster...

...It just made him more sluggish

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheJohny182
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2014
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