I'm a teacher and every day I write a Dad Joke from this sub on the board. Today a student said this to me... I was about to go off... before I got the Dad Joke.
Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"
Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*
Me: "Well played."
The prosecutor offered the ballet dancer two choices after she did not pay her mountain of parking tickets. A) Say guilty, pay them off, and get probation for 6 months or B) Say Not Guilty and go to trial and perhaps serve 6 months in jail.
Where do veggies go after they get off the airplane?
The bomb didn't want to go off.
Where do lizards go when their tails come off?
i went to a restaurant and the waitress threw a piece of meat on the ceiling. she offered me $100 to go and get it off and i replied:
No, the steaks are too high!
What do you call an alarm that doesn’t go off ?
Where do birds go to show off their skills?
Why did the gun go off on someone?
I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him go faster. If anything it made him more sluggish.
A man went into a toy store and ripped the arms off of every teddy bear in the store. Why did the judge let him go free?
He had the right to bear arms.
A joke from my daughter: Where does a tongue go to drop off its old clothes?
My dad said jerking off will make you go blind.
Hey dad, why are you telling that mannequin not to jerk off?
Did you hear about the young BDSM member that had to go to court for abuse, but was let off on a technicality?
The judge said he was just a whippersnapper.
If you ever see money jumping off a cliff, don't go after it. Everyone says, it is very hard to save money.
My friend takes time off work to go dig for water in drought stricken areas.
He has a well paying job.
People have a misconception that if you take the shell off snails, it will go faster...
But they just end up being sluggish.
Edit: Don't thank me, the wife laid this one on me just now. I told her was going to post this on reddit, she said we've run out of stamps.
Why did the architect turn around, switch the light off, and go to bed?
His erection failed on him.
Isn't a bit odd that you have to go completely off the grid to get away and recharge yourself?
My wife keeps waking me up to go turn off the computer and then turn it back on again.
I hate these late night rebooty calls.
Didja hear about the brewer who put off his deliveries to go to a vineyard?
He was sittin' on the bock of the day, tastin' wine.
If a dogs tail falls off, where does it go to get a new one?
The Egyptian sun god asked me why I go to work each morning. I told him it's primarily to pay off the loan I took out on dried grapes.
"It's my raisin debt, Ra."
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
I once decided to go off meat for a while.
Me and my father were looking for something too keep the wind off us whilst we go camping.
Dad said mother was the best windbreaker he knew
Credit: my dad- 5mins ago
Where do animals go when their tails fall off?
Took the shell off my racing snail to see if I could make it go faster...
Just made it a bit sluggish.
I took the shell off my pet snail to make him go faster
But now he’s even more sluggish than before
I took off the shell of my snail to make him go faster...
but now he is more sluggish.
I took the shell off my racing snail to make it go faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.
A snail was told he would go faster if he took his shell off.........
...... but it just made him more sluggish!
Where do dogs go when their tails fall off?
Where do animals go when their tails fall off?
I took the shell off my racing snail to make him go faster...
...It just made him more sluggish
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