Girls Talk Puns

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

GRETA

I wasn’t impressed.

I guess you could say things are getting pretty Siri-us.

He has a tiara, a mood ring, a special locket and an unhealthy infatuation with a famous teenage boy!

She works at JP Morgan doing data entry. They're all putting jokes in a box, and the best one wins a prize. What do y'all got?

I received a few jabs in the ribs for that one.

P.s. We aren't expecting, just being sickly.

So she says, “You are a great grandma. “

And her grandma replies…

“YOU’RE PREGNANT?!?!?”

But my wife is totally cool with it. She trusts me. I love her.

Because it has nervous tissues

She had Acapulco-lips.

I said no, the cars are much faster

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

I met this amazing girl in class a few months ago. I really wanted to impress her and went to my high school friend for advice. He asked me to talk everyday and try to build a connection. I've been calling and talking to him everyday to this day but it hasn't improved my chances with the girl whatsoever.

I nearly fell out of my tree.

Her: What can I do for you?

Me: I'm looking for a date.

Her: Oh, what kind of dates?

Me: Uhmm, just dinner and a movie :)

I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...

So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got to the bar. When we arrived at the bar, she turned and asked if she could have my number. I was flattered because she was so pretty, but I told her I was happily engaged.

She smiled at me and said, "That's a shame, you really caught my eye."

... she said it was good to talk abou tit

So I was on a first date last night with this girl I met on tinder. It was going great. We got to talking about our jobs and she said she’s a software developer. I was reaching over to grab the salt and ended up getting my hand in the pot of garlic Mayo. I then said to her “damn! I didn’t realise that was open sauce”.

She keeps refusing to meat up.

It started out as just one dress, but she enjoyed it so much that she started making more. She told us that she is now fully embracing her hobby, and had decided to wear corsets for a week to prove that they can be comfortable and not torture devices. To which I replied: "So I guess you could say that your hobby is fully embracing you!"

Bonus: About 10 minutes previous, I had told one of the other people in the conversation that I'd been practicing my dad jokes for years before my daughter was born.

Greetings Reddit. This isn't your classical dad joke, but I bet that this sub definitely has some memers versed in this particular art. I have an odd but noble request. A request that will probably involve you abandoning some of your morals and going to lengths that you never thought possible. Some of you may not survive this, others will be scared for life. For those of you who do survive, all I can promise is an absolute abundance of vicarious comedic climaxing.

I am looking for the most complex, well-executed, strategically sound, stealthy, and grandiose ligma joke of all time, one that my friend will not see c(u)oming. He is very, very well-versed in ligma jokes, so this will be a difficult task. For example, just today I tried to get him with a Europe joke (Europe on this dick), but he caught it right away, didn't even flinch. I got him with a Samir joke a few weeks ago (Samiring these nuts on your face), but that's the only recent success I've had (really had to tee that one up too). I even asked him if he wants to hear about the new girl I'm talking to named Wilma (Wilma dick fit in yo ass) AND HE DIDN'T EVEN RESPOND.

As you can see, I'm at war with an absolute psychopath who is extremely well-versed and capable in this particular style of warfare. I'm looking for a complex ligma joke that he will never see coming. I will go to great lengths to achieve this sweet comedic release. I am talking about some pepe silva level shit. I am talking fake my own death just to jump out of my casket at the funeral type shit. So, please send any recommendations. Before you call me a normie, this war is based on layers and layers of irony.

But she wasn't really Inuit

She was talking about the different parts of her body that got burnt, and then:

Her: "For some reason only my left boob got burnt."

Me: "Well, that's just not right."

She called me dumb. Worth it.

One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.

He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.

"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.

"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"

"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.

"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".

"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"

"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"

"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.

"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.

"I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.

"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"

"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"

"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.

"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"

"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"

The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -

The date is the only one that would talk to me after I blew it with the raisin and the cranberry

But all jokes not aside, I'm seeing a girl tomorrow and need your groaniest/growniest dad-jokes

I didn't approach her. She was totally out of my league.

We just clicked

We just clicked.. -- Jimmy Carr

I was teasing her about how short she was and she says "I know I hate it. I have really bad genes from my grandma." "Do they at least fit well?"

So, we had been texting, when I get a call from her, only to realize that it was an unintentional call.

>Me: I think you just butt-dialed me..

>Her: Are you insinuating that I booty called you?

I died laughing. I think this could go somewhere...

She was telling a story about how her luggage got stopped on its way to Europe because her vibrator that had been acting up turned on in her suitcase.

Halfway out the door, I peeked back in and asked.."oh, was it giving you a hard time?"

Mom: "I know, I'm sitting right here."

My brain is so aligned towards punning, I do it automatically when I'm talking to people. Usually I get eye rolls. One time I asked a girl I worked with, who I had always been friends with, if she could give me a hand with something

She said "give me a sec"

I said "take all the secs you want" (now try saying that out loud)

It was a crowded room, and she looked at me like I'd grown antlers or something, and I froze on the spot in embarrassment

Anyway, thought you might find that funny

She sent me a picture of a card she had in 'Cards Against Humanity.'

It said, "Getting abducted by Peter Pan."

I told her it looks like things just didn't pan out.

Queue groans.

I hear it's a great way to connect.

I was the oldest dude there. I'm 34. I dunno why that matters, but yeah.

Group of girls and guys standing around in his backyard, talking about crap.

One of his mates discovers a #4 shaver bit in the grass and picks it up, confused. He says, with the whole group noticing, "Why the hell is this shaver thing on your lawn?"

My cousin kinda shrugs, and the group doesn't really know how to react.

I chime in.

I said, "Hey... He's putting that toward his shavings..."

The group laughs. I'm cool again.

Sounds like bullshit but it just happened. Maybe I'm cool.

Cheers.

Now i know this usually isnt the subreddit to post this, but I met this dude here and i don’t know how else to reach him. We talked for a small bit and he told me he wanted to kill himself over a girl that left him, so if you’re reading this please know that if you still need to get over her: use a ladder

The girlfriend and I were in the car yesterday with her two young kids in the backseat. They were talking about what sort of "bender" they wanted to be.

Girl: "I would be an airbender!"

Boy: "I'm a waterbender."

Just then a truck passes us, driving a bit wildly.

Me: "That guy wants to be a fenderbender."

Cue evil glare from girlfriend.

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

but girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta

But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.