My wife asked me when I thought I was going to get out of bed
Told her I would sleep on it
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
I was going to get a head transplant
I was going to get a face tattoo but decided to get a neck tattoo instead.
I guess I’ll have to work my way up to it.
A drunk dude decided to drive and get more beer. After being pulled over and questioned by the cop, the cop said “ sir I’m going to have to put you under arrest.” The guy then said
Somebody get the Captain! There’s been a hull breach! We’re going down!
WARNING: There is an email going around offering processed pork, Gelatin and salt in a can. If you get this email DO NOT OPEN
Told my wife I was going with the kids to get glasses. She asked what we'll be doing afterward.
Son: Dad what are you going to do today? Dad: Well first I'm going to get a pair of glasses. Son: And after that?
I'm going to my Jamaican chiropractor to get some joint relief.
I was going to get a Pizza delivered
Then I realized Pizzas don't have livers.
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes”
I’m glad he still has his sense of humor through these tough times
After going back to college to get yet another degree, some of my friends made fun of me for it.
They were some real 3rd degree burns.
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
My wife told me she was going out to get some joggers.
I was surprised when she came home with two sweaty men.
My pregnant wife just asked me if I think her tummy is going to get bigger for the next time she gets pregnant.
Me: "Of course it will get bigger"
Her: "Oh, why do you think that?"
Me: "Because, your body will upgrade from a queen size womb to a king size womb"
I'm bald and im going to get a head tattoo of multiple rabbits
So from a distance it looks like hares
I was going to make a joke about sodium but then I thought.....Na, no one will get it
When I finally get a dog, I'm going to name him Peeve.
That way he will be my pet, Peeve.
I was going to get a tattoo in Madrid, but the tattoo artist I wanted to go to got in trouble for making some anti government tattoo art, which was quite a surprise
No one expects the Spanish ink sedition
I was going to get 'God' tattooed on my arteries
But I remembered you shouldn't use the Lords name in vein
When Hurricane Dorian hits Florida, I'm going to check out my window for the clouds to get really grey. When they're at peak greyness I'll take a picture. That way Ill always have The Picture of Dorian Grey.
I am going to get a tattoo on my wrist that says "Terror"
So I can say to people "hey look, it's a terrorwrist".
I asked my dad when he was going to get his haircut. He said shortly.
I wasn't sure when I was going to have to get on the freeway but then I realized
The turning point for me was the onramp
I was going to get a brain transplant
But the idea of opening up your head really changes your mind.
I’m just going to get some cigarettes
My daughter is 14 and dating. Her boyfriend’s name is Braden, I think..so I just use any B name that comes to mind to annoy her. Braden, Brody, Bradley, Brandon, Bruce, Bryce, etc. Looking for more suggestions! I also talk gangster to her all the time to get her going. Being a ‘Dad Joke’ Dad is fun!
My son's getting older and worried about going bald, so I advised him to get a tattoo of a rabbit on his head. He just stared at me confused, so I said...
"Yeah, because from a distance, it'll look like hare!"
Canadian guy says to his wife get your coat on I’m going to the pub.
Wife says ooh am I coming too?
No I’m turning the heating off !
I'm going to get LASIK surgery done next year
I'm looking forward to 2020 vision.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
I'm going to get a job as a valet attendant, come dressed up as Spider-Man, and introduce myself as "Peter the Parker"
Chow down on the food that’s served, you’re going to get a good dessert
I'm going to shoplift from Williams Sonoma. Hope I don't get caught.
It's a whisk I'm willing to take.
So if ISIS gets destroyed, are we going to call it WASWAS?
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant...
...but then I changed my mind.
I wasn't going to get a brain transplant
But then I changed my mind.
If I go bald, I'm going to get rabbits tattooed all over my head.
Because, from a distance, they'll look like hares.
I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind
I wasn't going to get a brain transplant
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant...
But then I changed my mind.
I wasn't going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
(Repost to edit spelling)
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant,
but then I changed my mind.
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but...
There's an email going around offering free processed pork gelatin and salt in a can, if you get this email, do not open it!
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