A german tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog. After he climbed out, he said, β€œhere is ze dog, dry him off and keep him warm, he vill be fine. I asked him, β€œare you a vet?”

He said, β€œvet? I’m fucking soaking”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rohanlahiri05
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
🚨︎ report
How to you make holy water?

Freeze it and drill the hell out of it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FrostlessIce
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
The no smoking with a child in the car law is rediculous.

I mean, Look at the poor fella freezing out there.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Got my SO's dad at commencement

After the commencement ceremony was over, we walk out and I say,

Me: "Man, it was getting toasty in there!"

SO's Dad: "What? That stadium was freezing! "

Me: "I thought it was hot! There must have been 500 degrees in there!"

I got headshakes from her sister and her mom, and a "Hey! I'm totally using that!" from her dad. I think I'm in!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PeterWins
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2015
🚨︎ report
I'm taking an improv class [shaggy dog]

and today, we were playing a game of "Yes, Let's!" If you're unfamiliar, that's a group improv exercise where one person says "Let's do a thing!" and everybody else replies "Yes, let's!" and then proceeds to act out the scene. After acting out said scene, somebody freezes, then everybody freezes, and then someone else starts one.

In this case, it was "Let's go to a Michael Jackson tribute concert!" Now, we'd just been coached to assume distinct roles in an attempt to construct a coherent narrative, and so I, as an awkward, scrawny, blond white man, slipped effortlessly into the role of a shitty Michael Jackson impersonator. And I must have been doing something right, because the rest of the group quickly formed a scene as the audience, security, and crew, and stupidity ensued as I sucked at being Michael Jackson for all I was worth.

A few people started heckling, and then one of the audience members barged past security and mimed punching me in the head, whereupon I dramatically spun and dropped to the floor with a resounding THUD (knowing how to fall is a useful skill). The reaction was about a third laughs, a third stage-gasps, and a third just confusion. But I did get a few compliments after the exercise on my impression and my theatrics.

So I'd say that was a pretty big hit.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/teuast
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2017
🚨︎ report
The air conditioning is too cold?

My classroom has air conditioning, but it only kicks in on warm days like today. When my fifth graders came in this morning, a couple immediately started complaining. "It's freezing in here!"

I had been waiting for this opportunity all year! I pointed to the corner of the room. "Well, if you're cold, you can go stand over there. The corner is 90ΒΊ!"

The best part was the chorus of incredulous students shouting "really?!" who then went over to investigate. It wasn't until they pointed out that the temperature was same over there that they realized they had been duped.

πŸ‘︎ 73
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spacecatapult
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2015
🚨︎ report
Working the Frozen ride at Epcot

Puns are my thing at Disney, and when the ride would stop working, I would say over the PA system "I'm sorry everybody, but our ride is Frozen at the moment. I know it's a bit of a fixer upper, but Elsa's giving us the cold shoulder right now, she's really freezing us out. (Or Olaf lost his cool and is having a melt down) Once we can have true love thaw out a Frozen ride, well be back up and running!

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the101wanderer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad joke at play practice

At play rehearsal we were blocking out a scene, the director explained during this particular scene the lights on one portion of the stage would dim to highlight the two with solos. One cast member asked, "When the lights go dim on us, do we freeze?" one of the older fellows in the cast cut in, "No, we'll still have the heat on." Loved it.

Edit: play rehearsal

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KaleDavid
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2013
🚨︎ report
My dad just dropped this on my sister

Sister: Dammit my computer keeps freezing Dad: put a little sweater on it Then her and I let out groans

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sam97233
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2015
🚨︎ report
One my Tata (grandfather) would be proud of.

I work at a workout shop called Sweat. It's bit of a janky chain store. Soon, after I started working there, I start dating a super cute kelpto who has too much fun stealing. Other than that she's perfect. Winter rolls around and she gets bored.

GF wants to rob my work.

It's like -10Β° out.

Stores closed so they don't have the heat on but, I have a set of keys. We get into an argument about it. She tells me to help her steal at least one thing from the freezing store or she'll split up with me.

I break into a cold sweat.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Matt-The-Mage
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2016
🚨︎ report
What do you call one of Santa's helpers who bosses around the reindeer?

Rude-elf.

When he found out Santa shouldn't have gotten mad, he only had his elf to blame.

Now Santa won't forgive him until elf freezes over.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFifthStep
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2016
🚨︎ report
I was hanging up laundry today...

My wife and I just moved in to an apartment with a washer, no dryer. So we hang our clothes on a line out the window.

She says "How are we going to dry them in winter?"

I say "We'll have to freeze-dry them."

Cue eye roll.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EmperorSexy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2014
🚨︎ report
Meet the Jack of all dadjokes!

I was asked to help chauffeur a carload of youth around town for a Christmas caroling activity last night. One of the names on the list was Jack, who lost his wife earlier this year. Jack is in his early 90's, stands about 5'2, and is quite possibly the king of all dad jokes.

So, the group of about 25 kids and 5 adults sneak up to his doorstep and begin singing a few short Christmas carols. Eventually, he opens the door and is thrilled to have visitors.

After we are finished singing and the kids are all running back to the vehicles to get out of the 15 degree weather, jack steps out of his doorway and on to his porch. He is wearing a light t-shirt and pajama pants... he was setting us up, and we took the bait, hook, line, and sinker.

Woman: Are you freezing?

Jack: No, I'm not freezing, I'm Jack (pause for laughter)

Jack: but if you hang on for just a minute, I can get freezing for you.

and then he just stood there smiling at us. It was precious. Come to find out, Jack is entering a retirement home in a few days because he is getting to the point that it is hard to take care of himself anymore.

Oh boy, those nurses are in for a treat once Jack gets settled in.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Happyazz84
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2013
🚨︎ report
Granddad joke at family get-together.

Some out of town relatives were in, so my family went to our grandparents house where they were staying. My parents were telling everyone about their Alaskan cruise they had just gotten back from:

Relative: How was the weather? It was freezing when I went.

Mother: It was actually quite nice. No rain at all. I remember when we were in Juneau I searched for the city on my weather app and got Juneau, Wisconsin and Juneau, Arkansas or something. I was like 'there's other cities named Juneau?' Isn't that weird?

Granddad: Oh yeah! Didn't Juneau?

[And no one heard but me]

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JRock792
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2014
🚨︎ report
Cooking dinner with my dad.

I was about to start getting things out of the fridge to start making dinner. As i grab the handle my dad yells, "Stop!" as loud as he could. I freeze and quickly look up at him as he just mutters, "Dinner time" and starts humming the 'Cant touch this' tune.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bananana69
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2014
🚨︎ report
"Wanna hear a dirty joke? Wanna know why they make toilet seats so freezing cold?"

"So it'll freeze the shit out of you."

Also,

"Here I sit all brokenhearted: tried to shit and only farted."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/getwronged
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2013
🚨︎ report
Finally used my father's favorite dad joke today

Earlier my pals and I wanted to have a heart attack for lunch so we go out and pick up some sonic

My buddy orders a blue raspberry freez-e and the server ask:

"Do you want nerds on that sweetie"

without hesitation "Will we have to raise them and feed them daily? "

moans and groans And all we hear over the speaker is" I'm so done with this fucking job"

"I'm sorry did I give you guys chills?

I'm still laughing about this, edit is for formatting I'm on mobile

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ResetsPls
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.