A colleague's friend named Heidi can't do expressions due to botox...

I guess you could say the botox is Heidi-ing her expressions!

(I am not well liked at work today as I've been on form with terrible puns)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HadrasVorshoth
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2015
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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If you're here for the yodelling lesson....

Pleased form an orderly,orderly,orderly,orderly queue.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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Once upon a time in the jungle...

Once upon a time there were numerous tribes in a jungle. Each tribe struggled to survive, and over time and as skills evolved, tribes began to trade goods with each other. One tribe learned the skills of architecture, and traded designs for safe grass houses with neighboring tribes for other necessities, such as food. Over time, the tribe grew quite rich, and without the need for goods the chief of the tribe demanded payment in the form of a tribute, an ornate throne. Over time the number of thrones the chief owned grew more and more numerous, so he had a great multi-story grass house built to store all of his thrones. One day, the weight of the thrones became so much the house collapsed, killing the chief. The moral of the story is… wait for it…

He who lives in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pirate-Frog
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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What do sisters do for fun in the convent?

Nun of our business really, but I suspect it's habit-forming.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CIMMGW
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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Dad, what's that big flat hill over there?

Son that's called a Plateau, it's the highest form of flattery known to man.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlackJack3t
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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If you’re here for the yodeling lesson

Please form an orderly, orderly, orderly queue.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/butmuhfreedoms
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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Toasters,

were the first form of pop-up notifications

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Russell_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a coworker ask "How many burgers does a cow make?"

I look him dead in the eyes and reply, stonefaced

"None. Thier hooves can't form patties."

πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Epic_Mustache
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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Jokes about bipedalism are the best jokes to tell on stage.

They form the basis of standup comedy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/agsederq
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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If a speck of colour on your clothes is called a stain,

Is paintball a form of Enterstainment?

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nimmalt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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Why don't convents have trouble retaining seamstresses?

Because that work is habit forming.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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Why did the Army private's ghost possess an Officer?

He wanted to appear in Corporeal form!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CognitiveNerd1701
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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Never get caught behind Satan in line at the post office.

The Devil has many forms

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFishmanau
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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An Irishman finds a genie

All offenses aside, I’m originally from Britain and we make fun of the Irish ALL the time.

So an Irishman stumbles upon a genie’s lamp and says to himself β€œooh laddy what have we found here? I tink I’ll give it a rub to see if a genie appears!”

So he does, and lo, a puff of blue smoke comes pouring out of the spout, billows into the air and the genie’s form becomes solid. It speaks, β€œOh master of the lamp, I am your genie and I grant you three wishes.”

The Irishman’s eyes are wide open with glee, his cheeks and nose red with fire, he shouts β€œtree wishes?! That’s just brilliant!” For me first wish, I’ll have a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry.”

The genie, eyes rolling, clicks his fingers and POOF a nice big bottle of whiskey appears before the Irishman. β€œWell I tink we’ll have to put this to the test!” He snatches up the bottle, takes a long healthy swig, glug glug glug, and the bottle pops as he releases it from his lips, β€œAhhhhhhhh!!!” And to his amazement as soon as the liquid in the bottle settled, it gave a large burping β€œbulp!”, released a large bubble, and when the bubble popped the bottle was full again. β€œWELL I’LL BE! THAT’S THE MOST INCREDIBLE TING!”

The genie, steadfastly unimpressed, reminded the Irishman β€œMaster, I will bring you fortune, splendor, reputation, treasures beyond any imagination. You have two wishes remaining. What would master want for a wish?”

The Irishman looks to the genie and says β€œoh tat’s easy! I’ll have two more of these!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbacconnn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Hate it or love it...

That's how you form an opinion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DisplayTHEContent
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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What did the nun say as she sat down at the sewing machine?

This could be habit forming.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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I was playing Destroy All Humans

When I asked myself, β€œWhy don’t we just use our DNA to make online purchases? It’ll be a new form of Crypto’s Currency!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBatJ3w
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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The quality of education is so poor today that some people don't even know the difference between a checklist and a ticklist!

Checklist: a tool for ensuring coverage of a subject can be completed with a check mark of some form, for instance, a cross, a tick, etc.

Ticklist: someone who is tickling you.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jjoojjoojj
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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Obi wan and Anakin meet at a force ghost party.

Obi wan: Okay Anakin, answer this. Imagine, I am on a planet, very far away from yours. And I was out of range of all forms of communication.

Anakin: Okay...and?

Obi wan: And there was an urgent message, that you had to send me. How would you send it, when no messaging service would get to me?

Anakin: Simple. I would send it with sand. It gets everywhere.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clone_Writer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Wonder no more !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualisticbird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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What happened when Einstein smoked pot for the first time?

Mankind attained its highest form of intelligence.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asurarkt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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How many cats does it take to change a lightbulb

Really, you expect to much form cats

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/seatheous
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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When my kids are grounded I read them jokes from this sub.

I think it's an effective form of pun-ishment

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2017
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Hot and fresh, made to order puns!

Do you need a pun? Just ask!

I can do puns with just one subject, puns that connect two subjects, pun pickup lines, and pun-chlines for jokes of the form "____ walks into a bar."

Just comment on this post with the subject you need a pun on, and I will get back to you as soon as possible.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrAcurite
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
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Math?

(12 + 144 + 20 + 3√4)/7 + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0

Well measured.

>!The expression evaluates true, but it also forms a limmerick when read out loud (click it to read a spoken version).!<

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/barwhack
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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What do you get after playing a lute for 10 hours straight?

Minstrel cramps.

Edit: (I'm sorry. Feminine hygiene jokes are the lowest form of humor. Period.)

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MookieV
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
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Watch out! r/puns is in danger

r/punpatrol

r/punKGB

r/Pun_Internal_Affairs

r/punspecialforces

These are the names of our oppressors! There may be more, but they are our greatest threat. They are currently amassing an army to try to end puns as we know it.

If we are to save this beautiful form of our language, than we must unite! We must not divide ourselves by titles, but unite ourselves as punners!

They plan on eradicating all puns by going to the source, the pun user. Are we to let ourselves be undermined by those who think they are better than us? Are we to let ourselves and all future generations be banned from puns? If you say no, then join in the revolt

##VIVA LA R/PUNS

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyThunderStorm22
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
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Why not.

So a few days ago, during school my friend sitting next to me (in Social Studies) was reading off a few of the Generals form WW2. So I lean over and say, "I think that list should be on the main page under... General... Information". He hated it. Them I say " what you wanted a... colonel... Of hope." And he said " why me".

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Havefun887
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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I've just invented a new Canadian beer

It's a form of I.P.Eh

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coop0606
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
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The Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up...

They formed an alloy-ence

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andrewtl271
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
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Four women...

...who work together in a French restaurant, making sauces, decided to form a 90s tribute band. They're calling it Bernaise Ladies.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zu-den-sternen
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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A Joke for the Hard of Hearing

A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. Where did he come from?" The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. The man rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice the genie tells the man he has but one wish. The man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks." All of a sudden the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and the windows, standing on top of the bar, dunking their heads into people’s drinks. β€œWhat just happened?!” the guy asks. His friend replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cool-kid103
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad has just discovered memes...

He said to me:

What's Dat Boi's favourite form of social media?

Oh shit, WhatsApp.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/domlyttle
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2016
🚨︎ report
Who is Dr. Bird?

A patient came into the hospital today, and had filled out an online form. He wasn't able to find his regular GP on the system, so he picked a random one near the top of the list, Dr. Bird.

His wife asked "Who is Dr. Bird?" and the guy replied "I dunno, some quack"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/super_bison
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
A Frog Walks into a Bank

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
"KermitΒ Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/josephlied
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
If you’re all here for the yodelling class...

You’ll have to form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/reverse_mango
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Toasters

Were the first form of pop up notifications

πŸ‘︎ 176
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GamingGod07770
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
🚨︎ report
If you’re here for the yodelling lessons...

Please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/f-a-c-e
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
The other day a man called me β€œa plateau”.

I took it a a compliment because a plateau is the highest form of flattery.

πŸ‘︎ 187
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TTVYaBoyMrYoung
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
🚨︎ report
A frog walked into a bank...

... and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone".

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mellon_coliee
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad jokes

Toasters

were the first form of pop-up notifications

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/QWERLATY
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to my first yodeling lesson last week.

The receptionist said, "If you're here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue".

πŸ‘︎ 140
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ocbrad
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
🚨︎ report

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