My wife keeps getting mad at me for kicking ice cubes under our appliances.
But now it's all water under the fridge...
My wife keeps yelling at me for only eating German sausages
I mean, what is the wurst that can happen?
I cut lumber for a living, but I keep sleeping on the job.
As you can tell, I'm a slumberjack.
For a temp job I had to conduct surveys on the street and often times people would reluctantly comply disclaiming to "Keep it short please!"
So my question was: What do you know about dwarves?
People keep bothering me at work, while I dig for gold
I'm just mining my own business
I am trying to get tornado insurance for my campsite, but the companies keep denying my application.
They told me, “If your tent gets blown away, you won’t be covered.”
For the upcoming NFL season, players will not be allowed to keep chicken as pets.
That would be considered a personal fowl.
How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
I am a little confused about why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday
I don't know what to make of it
Why did you keep working for mail service when everyone was isolating?
It's not the money, it's about the message.
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
I keep asking people what LGBTQ stands for
Bur I never get a straight answer
I can't take my dog to the pond for exercise because the ducks keep attacking him
That's what you get for buying a pure bread dog
Our pet duck keeps biting everyone, so I bought a cheap muzzle for it.
Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.
I keep asking what LGBTQ+ stands for...
...and as of yet, nobody's ever given me a straight answer.
I always keep a Bieber container nearby for emergencies
Baby Humpback: Dad. If you keep eating all the food and not saving any for me, I'm going to starve to death!
Dad Humpback: Nah. Whatever doesn't krill you makes you stronger.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
The cops are looking for a guy in my town who keeps stealing futons from furniture stores.
They suspect he’s lying low.
Thoughts while washing a coffee cup I gave my dad and deciding to keep it for myself.
I am not an Indian giver...
...I take that back.
My golf course gave me an award and sign for my own place to park, but people keep taking my spot.
It just doesn’t pay to be the Par King.
Just trying to keep people safe (bad cropping for anonymity)
I hope my friends know that for every horrible pun I inflict on them there's a minimum of 8 I decided to keep to myself.
They should be greightful.
My daughter keeps pestering me to check her hair for lice
I think it’s just all in her head
(I can’t believe it took me this long to find this subreddit, I love it! BTW first attempt at a dad joke!)
My dog keeps shaking for no apparent reason
I'm afraid he might have... Barkinson's...
I have a friend who keeps giving me colanders for every birthday and Christmas...
It is really putting a strain on our relationship.
Why did the inmate keep smuggling in Indian food for corrections officers?
He wanted to curry favor with the guards.
For some reason, my employees keep thinking I'm Mike Rowe.
They're always telling me to "stop Mike Rowe managing" them.
I don't even look like him.
My landlord keeps yelling at me for not turning down the music in my apartment
I guess he’s got a sound argument.
At work, I keep extra cough drops in my desk for anyone that needs it.
I guess I’m the halls monitor.
Me: "Hey John, people keep thinking I'm going to purchase beef for them."
John: "Buy me steak?"
Me: "Not you too."
Jerry Seinfeld keeps looking for bargains.
What’s the deal with that?
My doctor keeps losing my urine samples and asking for more
He’s really taking the piss
If your Mother doesn’t give you a gift in return today, you’re allowed to take yours back and keep it for yourself.
After all, it is Sunday, too.
People keep telling me to buy one of those fancy rocks for my gravesite.
But a tombstone is the last thing I'll need.
The waiting lists for surgeries keep getting longer and longer. My sister had to wait 2 years to correct her scoliosis
She had to line up for the line-up.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
I keep asking what LGBT stands for
But I never get a straight answer.
I keep asking what LGBTQ stands for..
But I never get a straight answer.
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
I keep asking what LGBT+ stands for,
but no one will give me a straight answer.
I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them…
He asked, “By mistake?”
I said, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I said, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I said, “Oh come on! Not you too?!”
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